Dreaming Of Jackals

A purpose.

2011-12-18T00:31:00.000-08:00

A purpose.

We all have one.

Or at least we have some idea of what we -think- we should be doing. Whether or not that's true is up to the individual, I suppose.

I was thinking about this lately when I found out that a friend of mine found out she was pregnant. Of course, the whole situation was a "mistake". It just upsets me because these people can have children by mistake and yet, I can't have one even if I try. I guess that's the way life is going to work for me.

Of all things when I was growing up, I wanted to be a mother. I thought that was going to be my -purpose-. Like most women, I have a relatively strong maternal instinct which, apparently, won't be able to come into play with me. At least, not with any biological children. I was destined to have an inhospitable womb. Lacking the proper functions to facilitate a new life inside of me.

For awhile, I was totally okay with this. It hurt, but it didn't really affect me.

Now that I'm in a permanent sort of relationship, it's starting to really upset me. It just seems unfair that people who are unfit to be parents, are capable of accidentally bringing new life into the world; and I can't seem to do the same.

We've talked about adoption and we've looked into it casually. It seems like a really good option but it is a very expensive one. We'll do what we have to to have a family. It comforts me to have someone in my life who will stay with me despite this setback, no matter how major it seems right now. It'll also give us a bit more time to get ready for a commitment like having children. Instead of having a child as an accident, we can welcome a baby into a home that is prepared, braced and ready. I think that will make me a better mother than a woman who stumbles into pregnancy.

Adam keeps telling me that no matter where our child comes from, it will still be -our- child.

I know that he's right but, it doesn't stop me from wanting to experience that for myself.

- Dhani

Strangeness.

2011-10-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I haven't talked to you in person in a year.

It feels weird to do that now, even though we've been in contact pretty frequently over Skype or messaging.

You know how there's certain people in your life that you feel as if you know on an instinctual level?

I had always felt that way with you. Even after we broke up. Sometimes I even referred to you as my "best friend" when I was talking about you with others.

The person I sat with at that busy truck stop Tim Horton's we met at didn't feel like you anymore.

And that broke my heart more than anything you did to me in the past.

I expected to be sitting with the same man who had been so full of laughter, life and warmth. Instead, the feeling I got from you was cold, hollow and meaningless.

You talked about how much you had learned about yourself by being away. They were things that I had known about you from the beginning. That you were capable of taking care of yourself, that life was hard and that you could accomplish anything you wanted if you just tried.

I was so angry that you never listened to me.

That it took you leaving me behind to find that out about yourself. These things that I'd been telling you all along.

Maybe my voice was always too quiet over that stubborn determination raging in your head. I wish, now, that I had tried to speak a little louder. At the same time, though, I wish I had said those things to myself instead.

When you left me behind, I had to learn that I was capable of taking care of myself, that life was hard and that I could accomplish anything I wanted if I just tried. These were things that you had told me all along.

I wish I had listened to you.

I had this stubborn determination raging in my head that was so focused on making you stay.

In the end, I guess I gave up on myself. It took a lot of hard work to get me back to where I am now. I think I did it but it's just strange to know that I did it without you. I didn't think I would be able to.

It bothers me that it took you leaving to figure out what everyone already knew. But I think it bothers me to know that you can sit there and look at me and tell me that you regret nothing about going. It makes me wonder if you were just pretending the entire time.

I never wanted to be the sort of person that was easy to take advantage of, but I guess I was that person when I was with you. It feels now as if I was just holding a place until someone or something better came along to take it. I wonder what our relationship would have been like had you never left. You spoke often about marrying me and having children with me, so it seemed to hurt even more when I had to say goodbye to you that day.

I often wonder if you ever think about that day too. I can remember every detail as if were happening right now. Even down to the exact shade of blue that your eyes were in the early morning sunlight. I don't know why I run through it every now and again. It just makes my chest hurt and my mind wonder what the hell I'm doing. Why do people even remember all those small details of a tragedy? Like how breakfast tasted, or how the last bit of warmth felt as I left your last embrace.

But I know now that while those details are extremely important and that I'm going to remember them for the rest of my life; they aren't going to change. Every moment I spent with you is one that I'm always going to cherish. I also know, that with time, those memories are going to become hazy and fade into the back parts of my mind. That's okay too.

Even though I'm hurting because I haven't seen you in a year, and because you're a different person than I remember; I have something else to look forward to. I can't help but hope that all along we were better as friends. So maybe, when I feel a little better, and when the painful memories don't feel quite so fresh, we could try to be friends.

For now, I'm going to just look forward to what I do have.

Love,
Dhani

This.

2011-09-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

This.

I've been here all along.
Where are you?
I have to hide this away
Before it becomes me.
The train has left the station
I'm screaming at the gate
still grasping tickets
breeze blowing
whispering how you're gone.

Met you at midnight
when I felt like nothing mattered
but the needles roughly stitching
these fraying edges
together together.
When the dawn painted
bold stripes of gold
red, pink and blue
you were long gone.

Mirrors line my hallways
telling me things I don't see
wondering what I did
to be so much less
than I used to be.
So fickle and filled with
emptiness.
Do you remember how I was?
Now just pressing fingertips
against cold glass
No more wonder, laughter
not imagining what's past that
reflection.

Have you forgotten what went wrong
stains on the wallpaper
that never seem to fade
with coats of black paint and
star stickers.
I close my eyes and step into
that train that was waiting
not sure where it's going.
Cringing at the dawn that took
away all of this beautiful moonlight.
Stepping away from the mirror
turning my back on the reflection
of everything I could be.

Settling for this black paint
masking a blemish that was
a masterpiece and not the stain
it was assumed to be.

- Dhani.

For everything that I gave up to be who I am now. For settling for the person I am now instead of being the person who could have been better than this.

And it's because there's a lot of things that used to be appreciated by others but isn't really anymore.

For laughter that won't be heard again.

When it gets too confusing...

2011-07-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

I lay on the floor with my eyes closed. Starfish style with my arms and legs splayed out in either direction. Usually there's a headphone in each ear and John Lennon is calling me to another world. This time it's Fleetwood Mac, singing to me about the pains of growing up and of love.

I think about how unfair life is but realize that this is how it's supposed to be. I struggle to understand why I'm alive in a world that's just so... awful. It really defies description. I just don't get how good people can get hurt, starve and get sick. How the people who really deserve the pains don't get them.

I realize that I'm scared.

I wonder what it would be like if Adam got sick and died. It breaks me down to my very soul to think about it. If this man whom I love so deeply were to just wither his way out of my life. Again, the pain defies description and I have no idea how other people can deal with that. When a girl I work with tells a story about how her brother died in a car crash that she and her mother survived, I cry. She shows me the scars that it left on her head but she says the scars on her heart are deeper. I cry harder and realize that life thus far has been pretty good to me.

I realize that I'm not very brave.

But I put on a good show of it. I go to book off time from work to attend an event back home for someone I love very much and I explain the reason straight-faced. My supervisor says that's really tough and asks if I'd like to take today off work. I tell him that it's no big deal but I'm secretly so touched by his kindness. No one else has asked if I want to talk but that's okay. Chantal has always shouldered everything and soldiered on. Besides, I know that nothing bad is going to happen. In my heart I know that right now everything is okay. It just seems different this time so I falter every once and awhile.

I realize that I'm pretty strong.

For a girl. The type of person that used to tumble at the smallest push. Now I'm capable of holding my head up high and facing the world. That's something to be proud of, at the very least. I can still be sensitive and emotional but with a spine. I am the product of my raising and my environment; positive and negative. When I trip, I've got a great group of friends who can pick me up, brush me off and set me on my way. Most of the time I can get up on my own and keep going.

I realize that I'm growing up.

And that's a little confusing sometimes.

I wonder if it gets better.

- Dhani

Rain.

2011-06-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

...

I'd like to stand in the rain and feel it soak me down to the bone.

I want to feel the weight of it pulling my clothes tight against my body.

To feel the salt of my tears mingling with it.

Rain is sorrow.

Rain is joy.

Rain is life.

Nothing is more energizing and beautiful to me.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time in the rain. I would drive my car to the middle of nowhere and sit on the hood in the pouring rain. I would only leave when I became so cold I was shaking. Till my teeth were chattering and I had to wrap my arms around myself for warmth.

At home in my bed, the sound of the rain pattering on my roof would be the lullaby I needed to sleep through another night. In my world of turmoil, the rain reminded me that life was still breathing, living, dying and expanding all around me. No matter what was happening, it made me realize that there would always be new life after a rainstorm. I hoped that one day the rain would bless me with new life as well.

Just wanted to share that.

- Dhani

New Job.

2011-05-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

Got a new job finally. Don't have to work at Zellers any longer. Effing score.

I finish out the rest of my weekend with them and then I start my new job at Value Village on the 23rd of May. So, about a week and a half away.

One of the reasons I'm most excited is because my two supervisors are huge geeks like myself. During the interview, we spent more time talking about Dungeons and Dragons then actually conducting a proper interview. And then when I called to say when I could start, the guy asked me who my favourite Doctor from Doctor Who was and we had a discussion about that. So awesome.

I'm getting hired on for less pay than what I was making at Zellers but this time I'm actually getting full time hours. So in the end I'll be raking in more cash than I was at my old job. And there will be benefits, a 50% off discount and etc. I'm pretty stoked. Because that means I'll get a discount on clothing, shoes and more importantly My Little Ponies that come through those doors.

I'll also be working a real work week. 8am to 4:30pm Monday through Friday. So that means I get weekends off with my boyfriend and so I can actually hang out with my friends more often. I think it'll be a healthy thing to have a coherent, daily schedule. Makes it easier to have a life that way and gives me more time with my significant other, which I really appreciate.

Things are really looking up for me. All the stress of working in a poisonous environment are gone! It all got really bad when I started working in the Cash Office. Getting talked down to, told that I would never excell at anything in or out of the company. At one point I even got called into the office and told that I needed to "work on my hygiene", which insulted me to no end. I think they were really trying to push me into quitting and look, they certainly got their wish!

I'll be hitting up Moose Jaw from the 17th to the 20th of May. I'll be going with my mom but I'll probably ask to stay with my dad. How weird is that? I guess it's cheaper if I stay with my family and mom stays with the friends she has there. And it's a relatively short visit but that's fine. I'll probably inquire about bringing my own car so that I can drive up to Regina to see my bestie Brad and to visit a couple furs I've been talking to online. Only in a public place an with an escort of course.

We don't want to revisit the Fiery incident. *shudders*

Love,
Dhani

Drowning.

2011-04-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hey.

So, I jumped off the cliff awhile ago. Found myself really struggling again. But then I got pulled onto this boat by this really awesome guy.

It's been a good adventure so far. We've seen a lot of things, learned a bunch of lessons. It's been honestly rather exciting. I enjoy being on this boat most of the time. Much better than an island.

Unfortunately, it seems as though since I got on this boat, most of the work has been dropped squarely into my hands. So often, the boat rocks wildly out of control and every once and awhile I get tossed over the side.

I think it's because the man hasn't really had to grow up before this point. He was living on a huge cruise ship before and everything was basically taken care of for him. But he decided to strike out on his own boat with me. I thought it was a great decision. I had certainly taken care of my own little islands before, so I could definitely handle being on this boat with this man.

But the man is really messy. He lets the ropes hang off the boat, sometimes he drops the anchor and forgets to pull it back up. Often, I come home from fishing to see a huge pile of wet driftwood laying around on the deck for no reason at all. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me that I'm being unfair and that this is "new to him". We've been living on this houseboat together for three months now. It stopped being "new" a long time ago.

Still, I tell him it's alright and that he needs to improve. But the same things happen and eventually it gets so bad that I sit in the middle of the deck and cry for hours because I have no idea how to make it better. Soon, the man decides that he'd rather spend all his time fighting giant sea squids then pay any attention to me whatsoever. So I'm not sure if I'm actually ugly, worthless and stupid. All I know is that I want this to change.

I approach him and we end up fighting. He apologizes over and over again. Promises to pick up his messes and promises to spend more time with me. It gets worked out for now but in the back of my mind I wonder if this is going to be like every other time where he promises me that things are going to change and then they never do.

I really can't handle it if it doesn't change.

So I tell him that I'm going to jump off and start swimming if they don't.

I hate giving ultimatums.

- Dhani.

"What about your little sister?"

2011-03-02T12:14:00.001-08:00

Hey,

I found this by following a couple comments on Youtube. I had to share it.

I wish I had listened to this when I was 13 years old.

I start bawling less than halfway through.

Also, 100 entries.

Don't have much to celebrate with. XD

- Dhani

Voicemail.

2011-02-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Today I went to Postsecret, which I hadn't done in quite awhile. What I heard on there really shook me today and hit close to home.

It was a voicemail that a man's girlfriend had left him just before she took her own life.

It reminded me of a phone call that I had made to my own ex-boyfriend when I was in high school. I felt so guilty about it today even though the phone call had ultimately saved my life. No one deserves to get a call like that. There's nothing that will ever wipe the memory of that call, I'm sure. "I'm so sorry. It isn't your fault. I love you." If he hadn't answered or hadn't taken me seriously, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead.

I was thinking about how people always say "I wish I could have reached out ten minutes sooner, then they might be alive." In my case, that wasn't really true. My friends reached out to me often but I was in a dark place that just couldn't be found. There was also times that I was back in that dark place but no one was aware. I think that's the case for a lot of these situations where people end their own life.

People say that committing suicide is the "weaklings way out" but I don't see it that way. How much courage do you think it takes to end your own life? To go against every screaming instinct, everything nature teaches us about survival. You have to be in a pretty empty place to get to the point where killing yourself seems like the only option. If Chris hadn't been in my life at that moment, it would have seemed like my only option. It scares me to think about it. It's terrifying to think about how much I would have missed out on. It also seems sort of surreal that I was once at that point.

I'm planning my wedding now and looking forward to having children. All of those things I would have never had. It's weird to look back at my past and realize that I've come out stronger and better despite my childhood. There's still a lot of that which really bothers me and I just try not to bring it up. I've been told that I should try Al-Anon or try talking to a professional but neither of those things has done me any good. They just make excuses for the people involved that fucked up what should have been a happy period in my life. "They're sick and they don't know what they're doing" doesn't excuse the moments where they were completely aware of what was going on.

I believe in second, third and fourth chances. I believe in gritting your teeth and forgetting the past for the benefit of the future. So, as a result, I've shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Things are great now for me. Parts of it aren't ideal since I've cut myself out of some things. I had a long talk with Adam last night and he held me and told me that he understood why I was sad. That's all I really needed to hear but I wish someone could give me some real advice sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about little things.

Who is going to walk me down the aisle next October?

- Dhani

Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

I'm currently sitting in my apartment in a towel.

I'm sure you wanted to know that.

You know those things you do for the people you love that you think they'll appreciate? This is one of them. Who doesn't want to come home to the woman they love; soaking wet and only in a towel? I'm sure Mormons don't but that's beside the point.

Either way, I was looking in the mirror beforehand and puzzling how I gained so much weight as of late. Hey, I know I'm a fat chick and generally I don't really give a fuck. Well, I give a fuck in the health way but it usually doesn't effect my self-esteem any. Especially when a man comes home to me every day. I must be doing something right, nyah?

I recently started this exercise and diet regimen. It sort of sucks but I'm easing myself into it. Allowing myself to fall off the wagon a couple times and etc. I'm watching my portions and tracking my calories and while doing this, I realized that while I'm eating below the amount of calories I should be... I'm consuming WAY too many carbs and fats. And my protein consumption is in the malnourished regions. I realized that I was eating the carbs and the fats too much but the level of protein to be that low is sort of scary to me.

The protein incident made me wonder what was wrong with me to begin with. When I was growing up, I never really liked steak, pork chops and etc. I find that I now consume little to no red meat at all in a weekly basis. I hate the way beef steak and pork is so chewy and ugh... I can only handle such meat when it's in cutlet form. Completely tenderized. I guess it's from growing up eating deer meat as my only main red meat consumption. This has petered away completely and the only meat I really eat is chicken and fish. Throw in the rare pork cutlet in there. Yeah... not so great. Hamburger isn't exactly the healthiest thing either.

It's tough to find ways to boost my protein consumption without eating more red meat. So far, what I've been doing is just doubling the amount of canned tuna I eat in a week. It's pretty good because it has absolutely no fat and very very minimal carbs. That way I can take in a shitload of protein without all the other gross parts that meat usually brings. I even thought of changing to a relatively vegetarian diet but then decided that I would miss bacon too much to handle that.

On the dairy front, my mom has constantly reminded me of the threats of osteoporosis now that I'm slowly getting older and nearing the age where I would be considering having children. For a couple years now, I haven't been able to handle drinking any milk without getting really sick after wards. That has since extended into ice cream, cheese and a few kinds of yogurt. I'm not sure what's really going on in that area but I've switched a couple things to soy regardless. I now live on a diet of soy milk, soy yogurt, a couple sorts of cheese (which includes marble, oddly enough) and eating ice cream very very rarely. Thus, I've ceased having muscle pains of death and still get my calcium intake. Huzzah.

We eat salad all the time now.

And shitloads of celery with Cheez Whiz. Omg. Yeah.

Anyway.

For exercise, it's mainly a healthy dose of Dance Dance Revolution mixed with some nifty strength and toning exercises off of a website called Sparkpeople (which is also where I track all my calories and meals on a daily basis). I know that you might scoff and go, "Well, Dhani! How is Dance Dance Revolution exercise? It's a fucking video game!". And I'll answer with this, "HOLY SHIT CARDIO YOU FUCK!" and then backhand you.

If you've never played DDR, then you have no idea how beneficial it can be. It gets you moving around, jumping and gets your heart racing. It can be either high or low impact, depending on the difficulty scale. I like to mix up the songs a little so I do a couple fast ones and then a slow one and then more fast. Mix it up and then mix it down so I'm not completely tired out after the first few songs. I do that for a half hour straight and I'm sweating by the end of it. Depending on the song mix, I can end up burning anywhere from 250 to 400 calories in a go. I know that it doesn't seem like much but it's really tough to do at my weight and health level. I'm proud of myself when I push to that 30 minute mark and take down my calorie count for the day. Once I get a bit more in shape and shed a few pounds, I'll up that to 45 minutes and then an hour, right? Gotta take it one step at a time.

I've found a pretty great support in my boyfriend, which brings me back to the towel thing. He's been so excellent through this whole thing. Dealing with my bitching, pushing me to keep going and reminding me about how beautiful I am inside and out. He doesn't really give a fuck about how I look now. He thinks I'm amazing. But he points out that if I need to do this, then I should work as hard as I can at it and give it 110%. It's nice to know that even if I try my hardest and don't lose the inches, someone will still love me for how I look now.

Valentine's Day is just a day, but the whole thing comes back to Adam and how much I love his supportive, kind nature. What would I do without him? Probably sink into a monotonous, boring life of playing video games and work. Pretty much what I do now, but without the cuddles, sex, support and love. Or the messy apartment :3

Counting down the days until the fall of 2012, baby <3

- Dhani

Holy Jesus.

2011-01-31T16:25:00.000-08:00

I moved on Saturday.

I'm so tired right now I can hardly move from a long day of moving heavy furniture around at work and then coming home and unpacking. It's starting to look like an actual apartment now, rather than just random groupings of boxes and things. Probably a good two handfuls of boxes to unpack, some totes and a couple more things to set up and we're good. I'll most likely put some posters and things up tonight too. It'll be nice to put that huge Beatles picture up in a place of honor in the living room. I'd take pictures if my camera hadn't completely ceased working altogether.

Living with someone non-family is interesting. Though I find that I'm reminding myself of my mother more and more as days pass by. For one, I've realized that I absolutely HATE the kitchen being messy in any way. Right now, the counters are completely bare except for the things that are needed to cook, ie: the container of utensils, some cutting boards and etc. Also, a random bunch of bananas that I can't find a place for. Unsure if they last longer in the fridge or not but I doubt it. Strange how I hadn't thought of such things when I lived on my own before. So far, the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen have been labeled "Dhani's Domains". I guess that's because of the amount of stuff I brought with me for the bedroom and bathroom. The kitchen is obviously because I'm so anal about it. I think one of my parental units once mentioned how I'll appreciate cleanliness when I have my own areas. Yeah, they were right. Pisses me off to see shit lying around.

Unfortunately, my future husband is a little messy. And by a little, I mean a lot. Could be the mixture of never living by himself and never living with someone like me. I mean, clutter and stuff is okay; especially since we're still in the midst of unpacking. But man, you should see our bedroom. Clothing all over the floor, shit everywhere. It's insanity. Every time I go in there, I tear up and have to walk out again. In fact, I avoid it if at all possible now except when I have to go in there to sleep. Even then, I have to suppress the urge to pick up his clothes, fold them and neaty put them away. Shit! I'm channeling my inner mom! I'm too young to dieeeee!

Either way, things are alright. We've got internet (obviously), a good smattering of channels on TV (but not Animal Planet until I talk Adam into letting me pay the $2.95 a month to get it), and our own home phone (that no one ever calls us on so I don't even know if it works). It's really nice to be able to cook stuff in my own kitchen and plan meals as well. We're doing this "healthy choices" thing, you may have heard of it. So our snack food is non-existent and there's actually this weird leafy green plant in our produce drawer. Salad. Man, I missed salad. The food situation is going well, we just lack a huge freezer to buy bulk stuff. This is a blessing and a curse. The curse is that bulk food from Costco can be split up into freezer bags and is really cheap but the blessing is that we can't buy frozen dinners and things! They're brutal on the diet.

Speaking of diet, I stepped on a scale today and noticed I'd gained 10lbs. A whole 10lbs! Man, what have I been shoving into my craw now? I guess the days leading up to the move were filled with quick food because we were trying to get so much done in the short amount of time between working full time and going to sleep in order to go back to work. I'm paying the price now but I'll work it off. Adam is going to download me some fun dance work-outs and I'm going to do them when no one else is around. Luckily I'm on the fourth floor so the neighbours can't see me doing nude yoga at 3'oclock in the afternoon. Or maybe not luckily, if you're into that sort of things.

The view we have is really lovely. Again, I wish I had a camera. We overlook this nifty ravine filled with trees and a little river as well. It'll be gorgeous in the summer. I might even brave the balcony to sit out there and enjoy the sun.

I'm getting a cat with Adam in March.

Tonight I'm getting a fish.

I got the "on my way" text, so I'm off to make dinner like a good little wife.

By the way, I forgive you.

Love,
Dhani

Questions I Can Answer

2011-01-18T11:44:00.001-08:00

Hello again,

I've been talking about having a children a lot lately. It probably came about when I realized that I was really serious about Adam. We're moving in together in two weeks and I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Everything seems right.

But back to the children bit.

I was thinking about my own upbringing and the parts of it I wanted to share with my own children. How do you look down at your child and tell them about things that happened to you without poisoning them? I'm afraid of poisoning them to their grandparents, to their great grandparents and to relatives in general. I don't really register in the mind of my extended family on either side. I got labeled the "black sheep" by my mom's side of the family when I chose to live with my father after the divorce. Then, after a family visit when I was still in my teens, I realized that I'm not really going to be registered by my dad's side either since I'm no longer a small child.

It really hurt me to watch my relatives and grandparents fawning over the little ones while I sat in the background. I tried to make conversation but I'm just so different. I don't think or act the same. I don't fit in there and my individuality isn't made to feel welcome. It makes me miss being six years old when I was exciting and entertaining to be with. I guess growing up makes you less important. I never want my kids to feel unimportant just because they're grown out of a certain stage of life. Maybe I'm just bitter because there's no contact there. Because they know my number; and if they don't, they could call someone who does.

I know it's just going to be switched around into the, "well, you could call them" thing. But what would I say? "Thank you for not acknowledging me now that I'm over the age of ten."? Because I think that's the only thing that would come out. And when I have children of my own, I know that I'm suddenly going to become important again. Part of me wants to hold that back from them. From all of my extended family. Does that make me any better than them? Not really. But why would I want my grandchildren to suffer when they grow too old to be important any longer?

My mom's side of the family is just as distant. My Nana has these loose lips that cruel things slip out from between all the time. How I'm never going to amount to anything because I haven't gone to school like my cousin. How much better my cousins are. She always forgets my birthday or calls my mom and tells her to wish me a happy birthday. Not that people forgetting my birthday is a new thing to me. And it's so sad that my brother and I get the shove off just because we were children in a divorce we had no control over. My Papa is cold and distant like he's always been. I feel like a barely know him and there might never be a chance for me to know him. And it makes me so fucking angry that the only relative I really got to know died before she should have. Some days I miss her a lot when I think about it. I wish there were more people in my life that I could just cry to.

And now, every time I call one of the people in my life who I thought would never judge me, never talk down to me and would always love me; changes the subject every time I bring up my boyfriend. I am pretty sure that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Adam. I'm sorry that you loved Ian so much that you would completely cut me out of your life when we broke up. I just don't understand why you're being this way to me. I sat down on Adam's bed at Christmas and just cried. I cried because I just don't get why you would be so cold to me for loving someone. Adam treats me like a goddess. That's why I don't call anymore. That's why I cut you out. Because I'm really tired of feeling so guilty over things that I didn't do.

In the end, I'm tired of trying SO hard to make you proud of me but never reaching that point you want me to reach. Because I will never be what you want me to be. I'm so sorry for that.

I want my brother to give me away at my wedding because he loves me no matter what.

And... this song sums it all up.

Love,
Dhani

Thinking

2010-12-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

Hello

It seems like I never have enough time to do anything when I know in reality I have a lot of time. I guess lately it's just become more clear that I'm becoming a different sort of person. Some of it is really good and some of it is something I'm still unsure about.

I can already see some really huge changes coming in the near future and even more in the distant one. On the outside looking in, it seems really quick and strange even to me. But from the inside view, it just seems completely natural. Either way, it's nice to not have to fight so hard for something. I think I did enough of that.

The inspiration for this particular entry was receiving a message from someone who I hadn't heard from in over a month. It wasn't a particularily exciting message, other than accusing me of something that I didn't do. What really struck me is that it seemed as though my opinion suddenly mattered. Since I'm not really sure if it ever mattered before. At least, it didn't really appear to. There's just so much self-doubt in my life now because I was essentially told that my company didn't really matter. I think when you try so hard at something and then so utterly fail, you're stuck in this sort of purgatory where you second guess every word that comes out of your mouth and every action that you take.

Instead of striding purposefully forward like I had been doing a year ago, I simply take the smallest baby steps I can muster and constantly stare down at the ground. It worries me that I might be missing the world around me but my growth as a person has been somehow stunted. Hanging out with my friends feels awkward and trying to make new ones is even more difficult. Only a handful of people are around that I can really talk to but I feel like I'd just be burdening them with some long-dead issue that really doesn't need to be talked about anymore. Even now in my blog I'm censoring things that I wouldn't have censored before.

Maybe part of me is just tired of being told that I'm stupid, selfish and incapable of making my own decisions. People who were dear to me have told me that I need to get my priorities straight or better yet; have told me that I need to seek professional help. For the moment, I'd just like to be told that it's okay to feel happy where I am. It's going to take me awhile before I can be who I was before everything happened. This situation that I'm in now; the one where I sit with a boy who I love and do quiet things, it makes me feel better. Bit by bit, I'm reopening doors and dismantling the temporary walls. I'd like to feel safe.

The fact that some of you feel very slighted by the fact I haven't been around, or I haven't been in constant contact like I used to be, really bothers me. Especially since I've reached out to a couple of you and even apologized for the way I've been behaving. Only to get shut down and closed out from you. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now but it's only making me want to crawl back into the bubble I've made.

I sat on Adam's bed the other day and asked him why I was so easy to abandon. Not just by the past boyfriend that ran off to another country, but lately, by a lot of people in my life. So easily set off to the side and forgotten about. I asked by no one ever bothered to contact me, and why it always had to be me that picked up the phone and said, "Hey, I haven't talked to you in awhile. How are things going?"

I suppose it's just residual pain from being run off on; or maybe it's a point that needs to be made. I don't know.

I just want to know why.

Because I don't think I'm going to feel like much of a person until I do know. Even if there are some people who will never tell me.

- Dhani

\

2010-11-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

You know,

I woke up this morning and for once I didn't look in the mirror and see my flaws.

Know what I saw?

How fucking awesome I am.

I can do anything, be anything. I can go out of this house in a costume, with a parasol, take the stares and be happy with who I am.

This is who I'm going to be.

100% me. All the time.

Fuck the shame. I'm not going to let someone call me a whore when I wear low cut shirts, I'm not going to be afraid to show off my legs because someone told me that showing a little skin is slutty. Fuck buying a new sweater because I'm not allowed to be myself around your friends.

Because your friends... they like me more.

I won.

You lost out on the best fucking woman you could have ever gotten.

And I'm happier than I've been in months.

Leigh said that this day would eventually happen. That I'd wake up and realize that I'm done.

I'm done :3

But a lot of it was because other people made me feel like a person again.

Thank you thank you~

- Dhani

For A Boy

2010-11-04T13:00:00.001-07:00

For A Boy

I'm so cold now.
In this late afternoon chill.
No snow outside,
ice in my heart.
Keeping you out
keeping it out.
Keeping him out.

All of these secrets
which are not at all
hidden
I'm watching the time
pass me by
slowly quickly
beauty
obliterated
by this simple act
defiance.

The wind in the leaves
love me love me
Early May flowers
taunting me here
laying in the grass
cloud
shapeless
blue eyes seeing
what are you seeing now?

Questions
you have the answers
I wonder
aimlessly
wander
Where are the stars
glowing
there in that azure
warming me
solidifying the cement
walls up

Want to break
all those down
afraid
petrified
by the thought of
something real
Believing
False confessions
circles in the sand
coaxing
these quiet words
from my bitter
soul

Told me
you thought
I was a special
individual
something
creative unique
destructive selfish
wanted to see
if you saw
a spirit in me that
was as beautiful
as that sapphire gaze
holding me

Forgive me
this pathless
meandering
I am nothing without
the solid weight
of your arms
around my
fragile shaking broken
heart

- Dhani

Lights!

2010-10-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to nothing but this artist for about two weeks now.

You know, just to disprove this "emo music" theory.

We all find out happiness in different ways. Maybe mine is different. Maybe I find mine laying on a bed with someone who loves me talking about the merits of Rush and deciding what sort of armor would work best for the Night Elf Priestess.

Perhaps I found something beautiful. Something that makes me feel important. Someone who thinks it's cool for me to wander the streets in a pair of kitty ears and goggles. Who takes me places and talks me into trying new things.

Way better than sporadic messages insulting everything about me and then blaming everything on me :3

I dunno.

Just a thought.

- Dhani

Time.

2010-10-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I haven't done a proper update in a long time because I've just been so busy. Life has changed pretty drastically for me in the last couple weeks. Things have been really overwhelming for me and it's making me pretty busy.

I remember talking about jumping off the cliff in the end and how I wasn't sure if I really wanted to swim. I'm still not exactly swimming, but someone has at least thrown me into a little rubber boat. It's really confusing for me because I can see the island coming closer, I just don't know if I really want it to. I'm terrified of what's there right now. I'd rather just float here and think about how I may or may not have fucked up something that used to be really amazing. It's like breaking an already broken toy and then thinking about all the good times you used to have with it. You regret it but in a way know that what you did was the best thing you could do in the situation.

I'm seeing someone else and it seems to be going really well, so far. Even if I'm digging in my feet and refusing to like him anymore than I already do. Even though he's telling me that I'm everything he's been looking for. I make it so difficult for this relationship to proceed normally because I'm still in love with Ian. I still wanted things to work with Ian and I. I've hinted to him that I would try again. I've tried to open lines of communication between us. I got shut down. That's fine. It just means I've stopped trying and started pining. Not exactly a good thing but I think it's a step towards not being utterly fucked up about this breakup for the rest of my life.

Time heals all wounds.

I'm starting to realize that's true. I no longer wake up in the morning sobbing into my pillow over some dream or nightmare from the night before. I don't look at his pictures for hours and imagine what life could have been like for us. Well, I'm guilty of doing both still... but not as often. I have a vase full of flowers from my new sort-of boyfriend to remind me that I'm beautiful and I'm worth more than I think. I'm not worthless, ugly or unintelligent. I've felt that way since July 18th and it's nice to look at myself in the mirror and say "No, I'm -way- more than good enough for him. He's an idiot for not realizing that." Feeling human is nice, it's a step towards recovery, right?

I just want to hear that.

That I was more than good enough.

I'm never going to hear it. That's fine. I know it's the truth regardless.

During that whole period where I felt like the world was falling apart and I was so insignificant that it didn't matter, there was one bright point in my life. Well, there were a couple but I'm talking about the biggest one. The person who was like a sun shining through the clouds. I felt warm. And for once, I felt like I was important and loved. Feeling loved was one of the hugest things I missed. I didn't feel loved even though I knew that I was. Yeah, Ian loved me. I know that he did. I just didn't feel it as much anymore when he boldly stepped out of my life.

I know, logically, that it's time to stop standing here with my arms open, head tilted and waiting for him to come home to me. I know, intellectually, that it's a ridiculous plan to try and rekindle our romance with facebook messages filled with half-apologies and talking about how much I still kindasorta am in love with him a lot. Because I know that it's not going to work. A close friend said that I should read "He's Just Not That Into You". I know that it's the truth but I'm too stubborn and thick-headed to believe it yet.

I'm going to start walking away now, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to look over my shoulder every five minutes to see if he's finally following me.

And that doesn't mean I'm not going to be heart broken when I realize that he's never going to be.

But at least I have someone holding my hand and leading me forward regardless.

Love always,
Dhani

Fuck.

2010-10-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish you'd ask to try again.

Love,
Dhani

2010-10-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

...

I miss you like there's a huge gaping hole in my chest.

Sometimes you have to do what's "healthy" even though it makes you feel like you're dying.

Remember that cliff I always talk about jumping off of?

I jumped.

This water is really really hard to swim in.

All the cold and current.

I'm not even trying to find the island anymore.

I wanted you to come home more than anything. I wanted you to actually give a shit about my feelings and what I was saying. I wanted you to care. I just wanted you.

Not a quarter of you that I sometimes got.

You fed yourself to me like crumbs to pidgeons in the park.

So why can't I stop being so fucking in love with you?

- Dhani

I think I might be done.

2010-09-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

/ragequit

I wish I knew if you still loved me.

- Dhani

Addict.

2010-09-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

Ian,

I'm an addict.

To your voice, your eyes, your smile and your body.

The way you call me "pet" and stroke my hair.

That perfect spot on your shoulder that my head can lay against so easily. "We just fit so well together, don't we?"

Your hand in mine even though you call it silly all the time. The reassuring squeeze when you know I'm nervous about something.

The sparkle in your blue eyes when you're about to do something mischievous. Or that dark, smoldering fire as you press me up against the wall to kiss me.

Nights were I thought I was literally going to die with passion. When your touch was the only thing that was holding me together. Explosions of color, electricity, chemistry as you ran your hands along my body.

The morning after with your hair still messed up from the night before. The first kiss of the day that's always a promise of many more to come. A gentle hand spread across my side, running to my lower back.

"I love you."

How you make me feel beautiful even with my hair in shambles and my makeup running. The confidence and self-esteem boost that I'll always be thankful for. "You're so beautiful."

Taking care of me even when I'm being stupid and frustrating. Refusing to eat, sleep or drink. Patience even when I've hit the bottom and can do nothing but sob in your arms. Wiping away my tears. Telling me that everything will turn out alright.

When you tell me that you can see us together in the long run. When you tell me to be patient and listen to you when everyone else around me is telling me that it died a long time ago. The way you promise me that you want this thing to work out and that your love is real.

I can't quit this addiction. No rehab. No cure.

I don't mind so much.

The highs are always worth the lows.

So I'm going to curl up with the clothes that still smell like you and imagine you're here.

- Dhani

Moo

2010-08-31T13:27:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update before I rush off to play WoW.

I had a boy promise me everything.

Shoes, jewelry, video games, affection, love, and a shoulder to cry on.

I still said no.

And chose Ian.

I'll always choose Ian.

An incident happened where I thought I had lost him forever. I thought that we had finally had a big enough fight where he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was a mess for the next day. Unsure of what was going on, hurt, sad and completely inconsolable.

I realized then that no matter what, he's the one I really want. Everyone has been telling me that I deserve better, that it isn't worth the wait, that I could do so much better with my life. But what more could I ever want? When this all sorts itself out, we're going to have a good life together. Whether or not he makes it into the military, I don't want to miss out on the chance to share my life with him.

Yeah, I'd marry his stupid British ass.

Dhani + Limey

Hey, Dad.

Patience <3

Right?

Love,
Dhani Jackal

Hacking Death Cough

2010-08-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

Hey guise.

I'm still pretty sick. I developed some hideous, death cough sometime during the last couple days of my trip to Moose Jaw. Even though I get a tiny bit better every day, I just can't seem to shake it. A couple people reckon it's because I've been stressed out and that might be true enough. I haven't exactly been sleeping great after all.

I've been having some good conversations with Leigh and Jon about things. Mostly Ian though. Sort of worried about that area of my life but I decided some things over the last couple of days.
After a long while of thinking, I decided that I probably need to just shut my brain off and pretend it doesn't hurt so much. Maybe then I can just ease into this life filled with waiting periods and the long moments of unknowing. I don't know. I keep getting told I deserve better.

But in the end, I just want Ian.

He's all I've wanted for a really long time.

- Dhani

PS: But does he feel the same way?

...

2010-08-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

Unsure.

So... here is a song.

Yeah.

Feelings into song.

- Dhani

PS: I can't stop loving you. Even if I try. Please please come home... you know, before you can't anymore.

Sunday - Postsecret, or something :3

2010-08-22T09:46:00.001-07:00

So,
As I said before I left on my vacation, I have this intention of updating my blog on a fairly regular basis. The webcomic will be posted on Fridays once I have a means of getting my art on the internet. I think at first it'll be mainly through the use of a digital camera. Taking a picture of the page itself and then uploading it. Pretty shitty quality but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. I'll probably reupload them with a scanner at a later date anyways.

I used to have a pretty rigid schedule back in the day but I don't know if I really want that sort of thing again. It sucked to have to think of something every day for a really specific subject and it didn't leave a whole lot of room to just rant and etc.

However, I did like the idea of using Sunday to talk about a postcard secret I either found on LJ Secrets or Postsecret. I check both pages religiously and usually find something that makes me wonder who is stalking me and posting things based on my life. Or maybe a lot of people just share the same secrets that I do. Or are going through the same thing. Who knows. Either way, I'm going to do that today. I'll pick out two, as was the usual back then. So, here we go:

Not sure what to say.

I just wish for a certain boy every time this comes around. Well, usually it's every time something happens that you can make a wish on. A leaf falling, going through a tunnel, stars, the clock... etc etc. It seems silly but I hope that if I can combine all the power of those individual wishes into one giant wish, then maybe it'll come true.

Apparently you can :3

Anyway, that's everything for today.

Love,
Dhani

2010-08-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm home from Moose Jaw.

It was good times.

Came home and got a package from Ian.

Wished I was back in Moose Jaw.

Installed and played some WoW.

Wished I was back in Moose Jaw.

Posted in this blog.

Wished I was back in Moose Jaw.

You see the theme here?

I miss Brad and Kain. I miss knowing that people can love me without all of that flaky "I'm not going to tell you what's going on or how I really feel" bullshit.

All I can think of... is this song.

Love,
Dhani

PS - I think it might be time for that message, Leigh.

Cliff.

2010-08-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

When you're standing at the edge of a cliff, and the only way to go is to jump... do you jump? Or do you stand there and hope that things change?

"Sometimes you might get pushed off even if you don't want to." - Kain

I don't want to be pushed.

I don't know what's wrong with me either. I'm usually just so calm in these situations. Collected, radiating strength for everyone else around me. Is anything wrong with Chantal? God no. Gotta pretend that everything is cool for the sake of other people. Because that makes things so much easier. I agree. It does. If I'm taking care of other people, it helps me to forget when everything else in my own life is going terribly wrong.

Generally, I would be typing out this whole thing to one of the two people in the world who just "get me" without even thinking about it. Either Ian or Colby. And since neither of them are currently present, this becomes the next best thing. Only Colby will read this though because Ian just can't. Besides, it would probably piss him off even more than he probably already is at me. I just can't stop fucking up everything I touch, can I? I'm even fucking up things when I'm an ocean apart from the other person. Literally, a bloody OCEAN.

I've had many moments in time where I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. Below there's nothing but miles and miles of endless churning ocean. And behind me there's a big empty space. I know I can't go back. The only thing to do is to just jump. At this point, I know that eventually in that ocean there might be some kind of island that I can drag myself up on and start this whole process again. Life is nothing but a string of oceans, islands and eventual cliff dives. Some call it a roller coaster. I guess my idea is just a bit more dramatic.

Sometimes it feels like there's no island though. That's only happened one other time in my life and I barely found it that time. I was standing in a kitchen with a bottle of bleach in one hand and a phone in the other. This time though, there's no bleach and there won't ever be again. But there's also no phone in the other hand. This time, Chris isn't going to be there to tell me, "Chantal, just stop this. Someone is coming to get you. Everything is going to be -alright-."

Nothing is going to be alright.

I'm horribly, desperately needy. I am demanding, possessive and jealous. But, I also know that I am loving, giving and determined. I try my hardest to give until I just -can't- anymore. And then I'll still try to give love after that. Then when I'm at the end of the line, I end up on this stupid cliff, looking down at the ocean. Try to help me? Nah, I push everyone away so far that I don't even hear them anymore. I can feel myself doing it right this second. By tomorrow, I'll have convinced even Kain that everything is going to be okay. Because I have to. I hate HATE involving other people in my own problems.

Which you might think is pretty stupid, considering I routinely type all of my innermost feelings in a very public journal. But even though this is here, I'll just go, "Oh no, guys. It's fine really. I just needed to take a Chantal moment and I'm back." I'll smile, laugh and be myself. All of it will be perfectly genuine too. I still can laugh and smile. Under that will just be the constant echoing sound of that fucking ocean beneath the cliff I'm teetering on.

I have the biggest abandonment issues of anyone I have ever met. Deep, painful feelings of being abandoned that I never talk about at length and I rarely mention. I think, actually, that only four people know. Ian, Colby, Kain and Leigh. Now whoever is reading this knows. And being apart from Ian is triggering every memory I've ever had of being left alone to fend for myself. Memories of being so afraid of staying home alone that I would close myself in a room and not come out. Fear of the dark places in my bedroom at night. Fear that my Daddy wouldn't come home whenever he left. Fear that my Mom was going to run out on us and not come back. The saddest, most tragic fears that all my friends are just going to leave me to talk endless circles with myself.

I don't want to lose him.

With every fabric of my being, I am praying, wishing and hoping that he comes home. That he still loves me. That I haven't ruined every bit of love I have in my life. If I'm pushing everyone away it's only so I can have room for when he comes back. Because out in the distance, floating on some god forsaken rock in the middle of that stormy sea, is Ian. Sometimes it feels like that rock is going to just vanish and I can barely see it in the fog.

I don't think I can handle being abandoned again.

The cliff. I'm going to end up being pushed off it.

This time I won't swim.

- Dhani

Somebody Loved.

2010-07-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm cleaning Ian's bathroom because I need to do something physical to distract me from how utterly and completely broken I feel. Everytime I stop, I feel like I'm going to just curl into a ball and cry until I cry anymore.

Right now I'm waiting for the floor to dry, so writing is the second best thing I can think of to just spaz and get all of this shit out and gone. Not that it's working very well. But I keep looking forward to when I can pull green rubber gloves up to my elbows and be knee-deep in nasty floor water. Good times. That certainly keeps me distracted.

I don't even know what I'm going to type but I'm going to end up rambling because I just need to ramble. This is the single most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. If this had happened when I was in high school, I wouldn't have been able to properly cope with it at all. Now that I have the right coping mechanisms, I find that they still aren't working. Look, I draw, write and talk to other people about how I feel and I still feel like I'm falling off a tightrope with no net underneath me.

I wish I had someone to talk to that's gone through this. The whole, "I'm leaving the country to follow my dreams" thing. No one I know has ever had a boyfriend like that. My dad has left the country before while he was with Cindy but we always knew he was going to come home. It was sad but there was always an end in sight. A jar that could be filled with an M&M to eat every day until he came home. I wouldn't know how many M&M's to buy. That's the hardest part. The not knowing what's going to happen.

He is the one that I want to be with forever.

Seriously.

And that makes me feel so empty inside.

Back to cleaning the floor.

- Dhani

Where.

2010-06-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile.

But I'm on Ian's computer and he's napping.

And I have no one else to talk to.

I'm not sure where I fit with anyone lately. I feel so lost. This year started out so good. I had so many hopes for the future but now I just feel confused and alone.

I have so many regrets.

Part of me is very sad that I moved here in the first place. The pain I'm experiencing now far outweighs anything I had felt in the past. Even in past relationships where the pain was a physical one, this hurt goes deeper. It's the hurt where you find something that finally makes you so happy with no strings attached and then it's just stolen away from you.

And it's not the quick, easy pain of a bandaid being ripped off, but the slow, meticulous agony of stitches being pulled away from the skin one by one. It leaves you staggering and wondering where you are, who you are and what's going to happen with you in the end. People keep telling me that things will improve with time, but things are slowly deteriorating. I don't know what to do. And I wish people would tell me something other than what they think I need to hear. Honesty would be nice.

But, despite that, I've never been so happy in my life. Every moment feels like a gift, especially since I only have a month to savor every hour of our time together. I've never been with anyone who has made me feel so beautiful, so confident and so amazing. I can look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is worth loving. A friend told me that every good thing has to be mirrored by a bad one. I can see it but I wish I didn't. I wish that I had decided to give my heart away to a safe boy. A boy that would do nothing but safe things, have safe conversations and be boring. But then I would be unhappy too. I can't win, can I?

I'm really tired of the crying.

But I'm still here because I love him so fucking much. So much that it drives me absolutely mad at times. It's the craziest feeling in the world. This loving and this fear that makes me what to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. The feeling that drives me to stand in the doorway of his bedroom and watch him sleep for a moment just to breathe in the sense of peace and love he gives me.

I feel used and unwanted.

I just want him to come home after.

For me.

- Dhani

2010-03-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in my blog in ages since I don't have the internet, so here goes nothing:

So, I live on my own now in a basement suite. Still in Sherwood Park but in a nicer neighbourhood in a really swanky house. It's a really nice place. Oh rich people. Only things I have to share are the kitchen and laundry. Pretty sweet setup. I have the entire basement to myself which consists of:

1. A room which is about the same size as the one I had at my dad's. Maybe a bit bigger.
2. A huge living room already furnished with two leather sofas, a tv and some other randoms.
3. My own private bathroom that has a HUGE jacuzzi tub in it. Really. Two people can fit in there.

I've also adopted two cats and a dog. They both live there and are pretty cool animals. The cats chill in my room all the time and I always give them both a piece of tuna from the can when I'm making Tuna Helper. The dog is a spastic little thing but he's still a puppy. Not that he's going to get any bigger though.

I've been struggling a lot on my own but I'm pretty happy regardless. I've had a lot of money issues because bad things always seem to happen to me all at once. Either way, my mom has been absolutely amazing lately in regards to lending me money or just buying me a loaf of bread when I really need it. Living on your own is expensive but I've only had a couple scares. Ian bought my gas for me one weekend which was really awesome of him, especially since he has his own debts to pay off. I really owe him so much for helping me out and being so incredibly supportive during this whole thing.

Work has been going really well. We're switching to early mornings starting on Monday which I'm actually pretty excited about. It's going to be so much easier to get things done if I have afternoons off. I've also made a bunch of plans to be busy in the evenings as well. I'm planning on attending the once a month Writers Circle at the library starting in April. I've got a girlfriend who is willing to come and try it out with me as well, which is cool. I'm also going to head over to the Magic: The Gathering nights at the local comic book place to see if I can make some new friends there too. I'm a bit nervous about that one because Ian tells me that some of the guys that can play Magic aren't very nice to newcomers. Well, I'll just have to go out and give it a try next week and see what happens, right? I really need to get out and meet some new people or else my life is going to get really stagnant really fast.

On an exciting side note, with my evenings free, I may start a Girl Guide troop or maybe join an existing one. It's been something that I've wanted to do since I left Pathfinders in high school and it would be a good opportunity to start going out and doing things around the community too. Camping would be a nice change too since I find myself stuck inside most of the time with either my job or trying to get enough sleep to keep up with the night shift schedule. I almost forgot what the sun looked like. Haha. Either way, I'm going to start scanning the internet to see what I can find about the organization and see if there's a Guide store in the area that I can visit and ask some questions. My mom is offering me all of her old stuff. I know that a lot of it will be updated but it might be a good thing to get ideas from for meetings and etc. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

So far I haven't really been missing the internet too much. I miss being able to talk to my friends whenever I would like and I definitely miss Colby tons since I no longer have the long distance to call his house but I don't really miss anything else. I realized that I was wasting so much time on the computer when I could be doing things that I really love. I've been drawing a lot more lately and have noticed some improvements already. I intend to get back into my writing now and also follow some other creative pursuits that I've neglected in the last couple of years.

My desktop computer at home (which was my mom's old computer) has sort of become a glorified MP3 player of sorts. I got my external harddrive up and running and have been going through the massive folders of music that my dad gave me. I missed a lot of it and I'm excited to hear entire Eric Clapton albums coming through my headphones again! My laptop cord is completely dead right now and it'll be a little while before I can afford a new one. Ian's brother assured me that nothing is wrong internally with my laptop at all and that the only thing that died was the cord. That's comforting because I have a lot of valuable things on that laptop. I guess I'm once again learning the valuable lesson of backing up my files! But you never expect anything to go wrong, especially when the laptop and cord are only about a year and a half old. Unfortunately, Rob lost the warranty papers so I can't just send it back in and get a new one.

Ian and I have been dating for six months now, as of Sunday. We're going to get together and just hang out for the day and I'm pretty excited about it. Because of his two jobs, we haven't really seen a whole lot of each other recently. I miss him a lot. The sad thing is, because of my hours switching over, we won't really see much of each other in the future either. He's going to be working from 2pm to 2am and I get off of work at 1pm. Which means he goes to work as I'm getting off. He works some weird pattern too. Three days off, three on, two off. Something like that. I don't really get it. But all the days he's not working at the Casino, he's working at Chapters, so he really has no time off at all. Hopefully things will be alright. I'm worried about him because it's going to be really tough on him with the weird hours. Working night shifts is really hard on a person, especially when they're 12 hour shifts. I don't want him to end up getting sick.

Other than that, nothing too exciting has been going on. Hopefully, I can manage to find time to call some people that I've wanted to just to hear their voice and keep in touch with them. I'm missing my friends for sure! But my life is on track so far. My mom and I are going to look at the different schools and talk to some people on her next day off, so I have my fingers crossed!

Love,
Chantal

2010-02-08T12:58:00.000-08:00

What colour crayon would you want to be?
Pink. Because I love pink. Or maybe one of the muted colors no one ever uses o_o

What do you dip your chicken nuggets in?
Sometimes BBQ sauce. Most of the time nothing.

How did you meet the last person you kissed?
At Dennys. He was introduced to me via another friend I was hanging out with :3

Do you think anyone likes the person you like?
Probably. He is the sexiest man on the planet, after all <3

Do you have a laptop or desktop?
I had a laptop... until it hated me and died. Now I have... my mom's computer T_T

Why did you last really laugh?
Yesterday~

Can you curl your tongue?
Yush

Last valentines day; did anybody do anything for you?What?
To be honest, I don't remember. Was I still with Ryan? I can't remember at all XD

Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't around but their phone is, do you look through it?
Never. Invasion of privacy isn't my thing

Who were your last three texts from?
Ian, Wolfen and Ian again

The person you like, will you still like them 1 month from now?
Most definitely <3

Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?
Yeah. I've been engaged twice o_o;

Do you have both a loud side and a quiet side?
Both. However, I only show certain sides to certain people

Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Yeah o_o Guys can wear what they want. I don't judge.

Do you think you'd be a good wife/husband and parent?
I don't know about wife because I lack proper housewife skills. But I think I would be a really good mother.

Has anyone this week, including your parents, told you they love you?
Yes. Someone tells me every day :3

What would you do if you had a child right now?
Not sure. If I had a child right now it would definitely make my whole life a little wonky. It really depends on what my significant other would want. I sort of want kids, but we're just not financially stable enough to make that work out. And holy poop that was a long-winded answer.

Are you close to falling in love with anyone?
I love someone.

How many phalanges do people have?
Twenty :3

If your parents didn't like the person you were dating, would you brake up with them?
Not really. I haven't before. Jesus my parents hated Chris. XD

Do you chew pens and pencils?
Hellz yeah.

Last time you were called cute or beautiful?
Today. Several times.

Who can always make you laugh?
Colby, Ian and April for sure.

Who did you last have a sleepover with?
Ian >.>

Do you plan on moving soon?
Yes! I actually move into my new place on Friiiiday

Two facts about your last kiss?
1) It was from Ian
2) He runs his fingers across my cheek, looks at me with those huge blue eyes... and I die D:

Last time you smiled about someone who texted you?
I always smile when I get texts. Because I'm a loser with no friends XD

Do you know what time you were born?
1:25pm >3

Do you have the same last name as your parents?
Same last name as my Dad, yeah. My mom is changing to her maiden name I think.

What is your zodiac sign?
Gemini

Ever kissed a brown eyed brown haired person?
Yep.

What about blue eyed blonde haired?
God yes. Every day I try to. <3!

How many kids would be best to have other than none?
Three. I'd really like to have three.

Do you know somebody absolutely beautiful;who?
Yeah. All of my friends are absolutely beautiful <3

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend walk you home?
Yes XD

Would you ever be in porn to save the one you loved?
I suppose so o_o What sort of problem would have to involve me being in porn to save a person I loved? Weird.

How many people have cheated on you?
READY FOR SOME SAD FACTS!? Like... 3 out of 6. Fuck yeah.

Would you consider getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant at a young age just so you could live with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Ew no o_o; There has to be that like... solid commitment thing going.

What if your parents told you they were moving 40 hours away and you had to go with them?
Funny story. This happened to me. I moved to Edmonton. Then it happened again and I stayed in Edmonton and they're moving to Calgary (maybe).

Do you like your phone?
S'ok. It's pink n' stuff.

Are you excited for christmas next year?
Eh. Not really. It's a long time away.

What were you doing at 7 in the morning?
Uhm, sleeping I think.

Who in your phone has a heart next to their name?
No one o_o;

Would you ever forgive someone if they killed your parents?
Depends on the situation I guess. If it was cold blooded murder, no. But if it was entirely an accident then maybe but it would be very difficult for me.

Last tv show you watched?
Eh. Not sure really. I rarely watch TV.

What will your wedding song be?
Who knows? Something Beatlesy maybe.

Who was your high school sweetheart?
Chris Overs. *shudders*

Do you watch say yes to the dress?
No?

Do you always have a lot of inbox and notifications?
Notifications yes, emails no.

Do you like the colour green?
It's alright :3

What are your 3 favourite colours?
Pink, black and gray.

Do you have a girlfriend?
Do you mean a romantic female friend? No. But I do have female friends

Do you have a boyfriend?
Indeed <3

Who is mad at you?
Brad probably. I'll let you know when I give a shit though.

Can you put your feet behind your head?
Lawd no.

What classes are you in right now?
None

Will you pass everything?
Yes. Because I am winning at life.

Are you happy at this very moment?
Sort of. I'll be happier in about 45 minutes.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, have you kissed them?
Yeah <3

Are you wasting your time on someone?
I really hope not...

Last thing you ate?
Something called a "Bachelor Burrito" which involves mixing hamburger and canned beans together and then putting it in a tortilla shell. Really classy.

Are you tired?
Sorta.

For Ian.

2010-02-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

... <3

I love you

- Dhani

T_T

2010-01-31T01:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes.

I pretend I'm fine when I'm really not.

Because you once told me that you would start to resent me if we spent so much time together.

So I act like I don't need you.

I say that it's fine.

That I don't need to just stay in your arms for an extra ten minutes.

I don't want any resentment.

I'll try to be happier with what I have.

I love you.

- Dhani

Good and bad things.

2010-01-27T06:32:00.000-08:00

Hello.

Good and Bad Things.

Good

- I am moving on Monday
- My mom is helping me out with finances for my first couple weeks
- Ian loves me
- There are other people in the world who share the same struggles. This is comforting.
- I am healthy and happy
- My job is stable, even if my hours are about to change.
- Working the day shift might be better for me
- I am making new friends!
- I have people I can rely on
- My future will be bright, despite what negative people say

Bad

- My laptop is broken
- Due to broken laptop, I have a little bit more limited contact with friends/family
- I am having trouble finding time to get everything done
- I'm absolutely broke
- I can't seem to lose weight, no matter how hard I try
- I love Ian too much
- I'm worried about my future

- Dhani

Feels like a horrible girlfriend.

2010-01-16T03:53:00.000-08:00

...

Today I had to ask my boyfriend if I could borrow any money.

Well, he offered it.

A lot of money.

$400.

Holy shit.

I miscalculated the amount of money I would need and my mother is still insisting that I pay her the money I would owe her for rent this month. I really hoped she would be willing to let it slide until my first paycheque of February, which is on the 11th.

Apparently not.

I mean, I understand that she's trying to give me some example about what "real life" is like and that a real landlord wouldn't let rent just "slide" until another date. I totally get that. But I also thought that since she's my MOTHER, she would let me off for two weeks so that I don't HAVE to borrow $400 from my boyfriend.

I can pay him back on the 11th, so that's alright. But I just wish I didn't have to. It's such a huge amount of money.

*sighs*

If my mom wasn't making me pay the second half of this month's $600 rent, I would only have to borrow $100. It's still bad that I have to borrow money at all, even if it's just for a couple weeks, but $100 is far less than $400.

I am a really horrible girlfriend.

And I feel like I'm failing at being an adult already T_T

Love,
Dhani

Contemplation...

2010-01-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

I miss him.

He hasn't even left yet but I miss him.

It seems weird to feel that way when I know I could see him anytime I wanted right now. Whether it be by going over to his house to hang out or just popping into his work to say hi. He's never far and he's always there exactly when I need him. I guess it's just the knowledge that it's not going to be that way for very much longer. I guess sometimes love has a time limit.

And this time the time limit is seven way too short months.

We've been together for just over four months but it seems longer than that for some reason. After my last, long-term relationship, I promised not to let anyone else get that close to me again. But here I go again. I let him get far too close to me and at such a speed that I didn't notice until I looked back over my shoulder at the trail we had left.

My boyfriend is leaving to join the military in another country on a five year contract. That means I won't be able to see, touch or hear him for five long years. That's a very long time to wait for someone and though I know I could unhappily do so, I don't know if that's a healthy thing. But because of the nobility of his cause, which is that he wants to protect the people he loves, I can't help but try to be supportive. I just wish he would have chosen a different way to do that. The RCMP, becoming a police officer, joining the Canadian Military... anything but what he wants to do now.

What can I do about it? Everything I say gets countered so easily. Things like, why don't you stay and we can get an apartment together? get responses like, "I can move in with you when I get home." In five years I'll be a very different person. I'll look differently, act differently and feel differently. Time won't stop while he's away. Not for his friends, family or me.

People that join the Legion do so because they have no other options left. They promise you a new identity and to wipe away all the things you've done in the past. I would never say it out loud to him but it seems like a lot of escapeism to me. To erase everything and let you start over? Shelters promise the same things to battered and abused women. Believe me, I've talked to some of those women and escaping from the situation doesn't help them forget it any easier.

But I haven't asked him if he's trying to run away from something.

I just hope it's not me.

I've never truly considered marrying a person before. I've been engaged twice but it seemed like more of a comfortable choice, rather than a true one. I agreed to marry those two because it seemed like agreeing to marry them would cure the problems we had in our relationships. Much like how women have children trying to make the men they love become better people and force them to stay. I would never do that. But, if Ian asked me to marry him, I would probably say yes. Not to fix the problems we have (because I don't think we have many) or to make him stay here but because I want to.

It's just so upsetting that the one time I feel so good about wanting to be with a person, they decide they want to live in France for five years (without me). He says that it's not about ME. It's about HIM and US. I agree with him but it is also about me. Because I am one half of that US equation. An equal half, not a lesser one. And for the us to work, both of the halves have to work together to make it work. If I ignored his feelings, it would be very selfish of me but the same works for him. If I want to be with him, I am going to have to wait for some stretch of time.

When it was the Canadian Army, it was alright. The most I would have to wait was 6 month to one year stretches. I was a military brat so I understand the concept of tours of duty. I can wait that long. Especially since they allow phone calls, webcam chats, letters and care packages. The Legion doesn't. To them, your family doesn't exist, your friends don't exist and your wife and children certainly don't. You enlist as single. It hurts to know that for five years, I won't exist as his girlfriend. I'll be some woman waiting at home for him to come back. And when he comes back, he might not even want me anymore. I could be waiting five years for absolutely nothing. I could be waiting five years for him to come home and decide that I'm not worth it.

I'd like to believe I would be worth it even then.

I can't talk this openly to him about this because I cry and he tells me I'm being silly. I'm supposed to cherish the time we have together without crying over it. I do cherish it. I secretly memorize every smile, every laugh, every word, every time he looks at him. I'm trying to internalize the way his eyes sparkle when he tells me he loves me, the feel of his hands against my skin and the way his lips taste when he kisses me. Because I know that in seven months, I won't get a constant reminder of those things. There won't be anyone at the other end of the phone when I need to talk and there certainly won't be a pair of strong arms to pick me up when I trip over my own feet. No one to spill 22 years worth of love onto, to whisper every stupid secret to and to take care of when they're sick. No one to share with.

And I don't know what hurts more...

The knowledge that I would wait five years for him to come back...

or the knowledge that I'm so fucking easy to walk away from...

- Dhani

Sometimes life really sucks... but then..

2010-01-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!

Last night the roommate that was supposed to be moving in with me at the end of February bailed out. The sad part was that the whole time I knew that he probably would but I really wanted to believe the best of him this time. Looks like we should really go with our gut instinct. However, not all of that sucks because it means I can get a place on my own that might be a little cheaper and a little better.

Speaking of places, I sent out about five emails to different places in Sherwood Park to see if I could find a place to hang my hat so to speak. I already got four responses and a request to come for an interview. I'll, of course, be bringing my boyfriend along so that I'm safe. All of these places were listed on Kijiji which is a sort of internet trading site with classified ads and the like. You have to be internet safe. I could imagine the look on my dad's face if I went to these places alone o_o He would beat the living poop out of me.

Anyway, the guy I have the interview with is an oilfield worker looking for a roommate. He's rarely home and is willing to reduce the already low rent if I would be willing to keep up the house and look after his dog while he's out of the country and such. The rent is only $550 as it is (with all utilities except internet/phone included) so that's pretty low and spectacular. If it was even lower, I would be able to save up buttloads of cash for school next year or the year after. The dog itself is a black lab so I'm excited about that too. I wanted a dog so this would be perfect. Hopefully the dude (named Scott) is going to be awesome. We'll just have to see after this interview. It's even better because it's in Sherwood Park so I won't have to travel far at all to get to work and my boyfriend, etc etc.

Another couple places are basement suites or rooommate situations, both of which I am very okay with. That way I have the security of home and still have a lot of privacy. I'm not too worried at all because I'm very quiet, don't party at all and don't smoke. And I was surprised by how many of these suites are really reasonably priced. Edmonton/Sherwood Park is my home and I really want to stay here. Calgary would be a silly option, especially since my rent would probably go up if I stayed at home. My stress level will go waaaay down too, especially without the constant nagging and etc that I get at home about everything from the shower curtain not being closed to what time I get home in the morning o_o;

I was just mad that I took a chance on someone who everyone warned me was a bad idea. I guess I should listen next time. But... when a door closes, a window opens, right?

Love,
Dhani

Some Resolutions.

2009-12-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

Sup guys?

I know it's been awhile but I felt compelled to write a little something before the Christmas madness really sets in. It's going to be a very full two days for me but also really amazing. For one, I've never spent Christmas somewhere other than one of my parents' houses, so the fact I'm going to be spending it with my boyfriend's family is pretty cool. I'm a little nervous about fitting in during a season that's so ripe with tradition and whatnot but Ian assures me that I'll do just fine.

Here's my schedule for today (Christmas Eve):

Laundry
Finish wrapping gifts
Do my mom's stocking
Try to talk my mom into letting me open something early
Pack overnight bag for Ian's house
Help mom get the "pick around" ready
Call Ian to come and retrieve me
Go to Ian's
Party
Sleep

And then Christmas Day comes, which is mostly super random.

Hopefully I can squeeze a time to call my Dad during Christmas. I'm sure I can. I'll just speaker phone the shit out of it so Ian can be involved too.

Other than that, I mostly just wanted to touch on my New Years' Resolutions from last year. This will be a loooong blog post but that's okay too. I'm going to make a comment on each of my Resolutions from last year and see if I really accomplished them! Then I'll make a new list for this year.

1. To be more honest with myself. - I certainly have been more honest with myself, especially lately. I came to realize that even though I am a very flawed person in a lot of small ways, I'm still incredible the way I am. I also know that I can be even better if I work at it.
2. Be more honest with others. - This is one I have trouble with even now. It can be really tough to fight the temptation to lie to protect myself or the feelings of other people. Though I have gotten WAY better at being honest with other people, I still stumble over little white lies from time to time.
3. Take better pride in my appearance. - Definitely passed. I dress better, wear a bit of tasteful makeup, walk with more confidence and generally just feel better about myself. And feeling better about yourself is really all the pride you need :3
4. Open up more. - Still working on this. Having a hard time with it. It's easier for me to just hide things away most of the time rather than share them. I don't want people to think I'm mental, y'know?
5. Tell her that I like her. - I did that. Nothing really positive or negative came of it. She was just like "meh" and we both got over it. Now we hardly talk, but that's because she got knocked up and had a baby with an asshat o_o
6. Don't make lists of resolutions. - Failed. Lawl.
7. Don't drink. - Passed relatively well! Only had social drinks. So I'm doing spectacular.

All in all, I did pretty good on passing those resolutions. So on to the ones for this year!

1. Develop my artwork - Ian asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I told him that I wouldn't be happy doing anything that fit into the regular box of careers. He asked me what I would like to do in an ideal world and I pointed at the artwork on my wall. I know I'm not good enough to get money for my art now, but if I develop it then maybe I could earn some pocket money for it eventually.
2. Focus on what makes you a good person, rather than your flaws. - I have this obsession with pointing out every little problem that I have with my personality, my body and my outlook on life. I really need to concentrate on the things that are amazing about me, rather than all the flaws that I have. I'm a good person!
3. Experience at least 10 new things this year - Pretty self explainitory. I find myself living in this big city but I haven't really seen a lot of it. Hopefully I can keep you guys updated on what's going on too and when I experience something new. I'll write it on my whiteboard so I don't forget.
4. Learn more about the people you love - I find that I'm too afraid to ask questions about the people that I love because I don't want to offend them or make them sad. There's some things that I've always wanted to ask but have been too scared to. I really should start helping other people open up to me more because I want them to help me too.
5. Express yourself in all ways! - Whether it be with music, art, writing or just plain ranting to someone, I really need to start expressing my feelings and ideas rather than just bottling them up because I'm afraid of "bothering" someone with my issues. That's what friends are supposed to be there for. I know they would feel the same way.
6. Lose another 75lbs to be your goal weight! - When I was 16, I weighed 160lbs. My goal weight is to get back down to that point and then work at it from there. I'm at 235lbs now so that means I have 75lbs to go to get down to that point. But, I feel inspired because before a year and a half ago, I weighed close to 310lbs! That means I'm doing pretty good. I just need to eat better and try to look after myself :3 Let's see if I can lose that much by next january!
7. Eat better - Start by cutting out junk food and see how I can do from there.
8. Try to be happier. - It might just be the winter season, but I always tend to be in a funk around this time of year. Hopefully I can pull myself out!
9. Let go of old grudges and start brand new. - There are so many things I should have just let go of by now but I find myself holding on longer than I should. It's really not healthy to keep hanging onto things that are painful when they're long done and over. I'll start by forgiving myself for the mistakes I made in my past and then work at forgiving OTHERS for what they've done to me. Everythong makes mistakes and they deserve a second chance.
10. Read at least 20 new books this year - I miss reading and I really need to find time to squeeze books into my schedule! I'll keep you guys updated on what I read to (or try at least) and maybe do some mini reviews :3

That's about it guys.

What are your resolutions this year? Hopefully we can all accomplish them!

Happy Christmas, Jesus' Birthday, Corporate Gift-Giving Day or whatever else you want to call it <3

Love always,
Dhani the Jackal

This is Love.

2009-11-19T17:21:00.001-08:00

Love.
　
Feels like my heart is going to explode out of my chest while at the same time it feels so relaxed and even. My stomach doing crazy flips and the typical butterflies. The sensation of being dizzy without all of the unpleasant parts. Feeling as though I could fly if I wanted to.

When you look at me, I feel my cheeks flush and my breathing catch. When your hand touches my skin, the warmth spreads not just in that area but over my whole body like a warm shower on a winter day. Hot chocolate and the feeling of a warm blanket around my shoulders. Nerves tingling like pins and needles but instead of pain, it's the greatest feeling in the world.

Kisses are like fire that spread from my lips and send shivers down my spine. Settling somewhere below my stomach but also causing my heart to quicken it's pace or skip a beat. When I'm with you, I feel as though anything were possible. The feeling lasts even when we're apart and I accomplish things I didn't think I would be able to. I have this desire to be a better person not just for you but also for myself.

I feel as though I have some manner of value. As though I may really be the second most important person on the blanket (second only to you) and that I should do whatever I can to make myself even more valuable. Priceless. I look in the mirror and feel beautiful, stunning and incredible. Because if I look that way in YOUR eyes, then it must really be true. I treat people better, smile more and am just happier because someone in the world loves me and I love them so deeply.

All of these things mix together in some insane, rationless and fascinating sensation that makes me just know that this is love. What I feel is love.

I love you so much.

- Dhani

For Ian

2009-11-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

I believe in love again.

Because of you.

Thank you.

You are my world.

<3 Ian

- Dhani

Worries.

2009-10-19T01:48:00.000-07:00

It's a useless gesture to obsess over things you can't control. To worry about things that are beyond your influence. But it seems like these are the things that I worry about most.

I'm going back to my hometown at the end of this month. I am planning on bringing my boyfriend, who I honestly believe is someone who is going to be around for awhile. It's funny because I'm nervous about bringing him because he is going to learn so much about me at one time.

My old friends, old lovers, old enemies and my old life. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done and I don't regret the decisions I've made in my life. It was all part of my growing up stage. Everything that happened then made me who I am now. But I don't want who I was then to make him walk away from me. I'm not the same person anymore.

I also worry that my friends won't like Ian. I know that they would never be rude to him or anything but I just worry about how they're going to react. I would never let the judgements of my friends carry over into my own judgement but it is important to me that they like him. And I worry that Ian won't like my friends too. They are a pretty random bunch of people.

What if my parents don't like him? I guess I would just have to roll with it. I'm pretty sure that my parents haven't liked every person I've dated. At least they just leave me be and let me make my own mistakes. Besides, what's not to like with Ian? He's considerate, caring, kind and treats me like a goddess. I've never been with anyone who makes me feel so valued, loved and cared for. He has so much respect for his own parents that I can't see him offending mine in any way. I know that my step-mom will support any person who I love and I know my Daddy is the same way. I just want everything to run smoothly.

I've introduced past boyfriends to my friends and family but this time it feels different. It feels more serious. I've never loved someone like I've loved Ian. Before, there was always some doubt and fear in my heart. But when I look into his big blue eyes, I can just smile and know that what's there is real. What we have is real. That's why this is so different. Because we love each other in a way that's real. Past boyfriends were... childish, clumsy and distant. I've always wanted something mature and smooth. Someone who was an adult on the inside rather than a little boy who just wanted to play with a big girl.

I even worry about the city itself. What if he absolutely hates it? Moose Jaw is a pretty integral part of my existance. It shaped me, changed me and then released me to the bigger world. I made my first real friends there, graduated there, held my first job and had my first triumphs and failures. I worry that I won't be able to tell those old stories well enough and that I won't be able to get across to him just how important that stupid, small, silly place is. I want him to learn things about me that I've only ever been able to tell my closest, best friends.

Most of all, I worry that when I take him up to our hill and show him the stars, the sky, the world I live in... that he'll turn away and not understand. I want to hold his hand on that gravel road, look out over the city lights, kiss him and have him know that he is as important as the place I used to call home.

- Dhani

A fantastical update.

2009-09-25T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hello Dhani Fans!

Yes. I'm calling you fans.

All... four of you? Five maybe?

Anyway, this is just a casual update for epic win.

Proceed!

Alright, work is doing alright. Same old issues and problems. Pretty standard routine by this point. I didn't get the position I went for because my application went "mysteriously missing", which is bullshit. But whatever. I alerted the human resources type people and they're looking into it. It's the best I can do. Either way, a close friend of mine got the position so I'm pretty excited for him. He travels a lot so I'm sure he'll appreciate the pay raise and etc.

At home things are okay. Routine there too. Still looking for houses to move into or an acreage to take over and such. No luck yet. I'm still trying to limit the amount of stuff I bring into the apartment but I find myself spending a lot of money lately. I really need to keep an eye on my spending habits >< It's dangerous!

I have a boyfriend now. He's funny, cute and amazing. I really love spending time with him and seeing him is often the highlight of my week. Yeah. He's pretty great. Did I mention that he was cute? :3 My friends laugh at me because he's British and apparently I have some sort of fetish for all things British.

Do not...

(except Liverpool, the Beatles, Harry Potter, slang words AND double-decker buses)

EITHER WAY

He's cute.

My life is pretty dull other than that. I wish my blog entries were more exciting >.>

Might have to imput the old school schedule I had~

- Dhani

For Brad

2009-08-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is by no means an apology.

I have nothing to apologize for.

But this is a bridge to cross the gap of us not speaking to each other.

Maybe we can work something out.

I admit that it wasn't fair of me to not tell you why I wasn't speaking to you suddenly.

- Chantal

Update! Hoshi-

2009-08-23T16:34:00.001-07:00

Hey

I haven't updated this in a long while so I thought I'd pop by with a quick update and news on an exciting project of mine <3

So far, life is going alright. Work is pretty standard, but I did apply for a Senior position. If I get it, I'll be one of the higher up night crew staff which is pretty cool. It's supposed to be a dollar pay raise so I really hope I get it. Even though I'll only be at Zellers for another year. It's better than nothing, right?

Home is better. A little better anyway. I should actually be packing a little bit. We're supposed to be moving at the end of September, if we get the place we want. Ten acres of land. Rob wants to have cattle, which is alright I guess. Get babies at the start of spring and then sell them before winter. I could see the profit in that, even if it is a lot of work. They both promised that I can get two dogs if we get the place. A big one for farm help and a little one to sleep in my bed and for me to carry around (Haha). We're going to get them from a shelter after we get settled in. I really hope we get this place. We've already been pre-approved for a mortgage! Yay.

I've decided that living near Chapters might be a bad thing for me. I keep buying books. Man, I love reading. I've got quite the collection of Beatles literature now. If it has anything to do with them, it gets gobbled up pretty quick. At the library (which I now go to once a week), I found a book that Cynthia Lennon wrote about John. I have a feeling it'll make me angry but I'm interested to know her take on my hero. She doesn't seem like a very nice lady but I do understand that John put her through a lot in the early years of the Beatles. I sort of feel sorry for her but I think she needs to stop monopolizing on her ex-husband's fame. Ew.

Speaking of books, I started rewriting a novel I had started in 9th grade. Man, it was so terrible but the idea behind it was so exciting and fresh. I had Colby read the original and we both agreed that it was pretty bad. Really good for a fourteen year old, but still really bad. It has the same characters, same idea and same alternate universe. They're going on the same adventure and everything but now it's much better written. Much darker though, which I originally intended with the original story. I'm amazed at how much my writing has progressed, and I don't mean with just grammar and spelling. When I read it, I actually enjoy what I'm reading and can't wait to churn out more.

Actually, I'll be broadcasting my monitor and writing some via LiveStream in the future. That way people can read it as I write. Colby showed interest in it and he actually watched me type up the entire first chapter. I also LiveStream my drawing sessions so that people can chat with me and watch me do some art. It's really relaxing and I've gotten to know some really cool artists. If you're ever interested in watching, I usually announce when I'm LiveStreaming on my MSN. I try to do it once or twice a week, or at least that's what the intention is.

I only decided to LiveStream after I realized the Youtube thing wasn't working out too well for me. I loved making videos of me singing and just Vlogs but I didn't like how impersonal it was. I'd rather just sit and have a chat with people on a live basis. That's how the LiveStream idea was born. Also, it's actually really common for artists in the furry community to have a channel there.

This is mine:

http://www.livestream.com/dhaniart

Watch my MSN for announcements on whether I'm streaming or not.

Other than that, nothing too exciting has been happening. Been keeping busy with work, sleeping and working on my little projects. I find that I dwell less on where I am if I'm working hard on something.

Love always,
Dhani

For Colby.

2009-07-22T06:59:00.000-07:00

Colby.

Your smile.
Your laugh.
Your charm.

Find myself wondering
what'll pull me under next.
Fuck baby.
You make me feel like
I'm a million things in one.
Begging to just feel
this beautiful again
Here take my hand,
we're gonna go h-h-higher.

I have this passion for
this sweet grin of yours.
Flash of those eyes
leaves me breathless.
Can't believe how much you
let me shine.
Glowing like the stars.
Reaching out for you.

Shit, love.
You keep me on my toes.
Anticipating every word.
What'll you say next?
Skipping on my way home
noticing the breeze
running through the trees.
Birds singing
ground under my feet
holding me up like your
s-s-strong arms.

Tilt my head back
your hands on hips
swaying with the music
t-t-touch me.
Lift me up.
Your lips on my neck
your sweet nothings in
my eager ears.
Shivering.
God, darling.
Tingling up my thighs.

*giggles and runs off*

- Dhani

2009-07-21T06:02:00.001-07:00

Hello Colby,

Since you're the only one that actually reads this now.

I finally concluded my experiment.

Pretty sure that this person doesn't miss me. Or think about me.

Too bad I can't express to him that the phone works both ways.

My mom would say, "I told you so."

- Dhani

Bitterness

2009-07-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Bitterness~

First of all, I'll get all the boring day to day stuff out of the way before I launch into some sort of pseudo-philosophical bullshit about love, life and the universe.

Work is boring. Pretty average. Not much happening there. I go in, work, leave and get paid for my time. Yep. Excitement.

Home life is... well... I am capable of functioning, so long as I avoid them as much as possible.

Social life is pretty stagnant. Girl met boy. Girl fell in love with boy. Boy broke girl's heart. Girl cries about it and only ever goes out with Shawn. Hmm. That's about the gist of it. Especially if you've been reading my facebook status messages. Trying to cram as much emo as possible into a short period of time apparently.

I miss my family.

That's about it. Now we launch into the good stuff.

I learned something in the past two weeks.

I learned that the phrase "all you need is love" is a huge huge lie.

It seems sad because up until now, I've lived my entire life by that motto. I've invested so much of my time and energy into that little belief. Something that seemed so simple at first but the more I look at it, the more I realize that it's not true. There's always something more you have to invest into the situation. Whether it be money, time or parts of yourself that you never wanted to give up.

I had a chat with a couple of close friends the other day about our concepts of love. My friend believed in the "all you need is love" concept. I can see how his current feelings for a girl is definitely affecting his choices. I know that they are also affecting mine. My worldview changes with each major conflict or choice in my life as well. But, anyway, my friend believes that love is capable of healing any problem, soothing any wound and can help people accomplish any dream. I used to feel that way. Recently something has happened that made me change my mind completely.

I met a man. I call him a man even though he is younger than me. This person has been hurt very badly in the past and it still affects him. It affects the way he sees the world and all the people in it. I understand how someone could feel that way. My own past hurts and experiences have shaped who I am now. This person and I liked one another. Over talking and cuddling, I grew to love this individual. I don't mean the kind of love where you want to run off and marry the guy. I mean the kind of love that could grow into something deeper with time. I don't usually run headlong into circumstances like this but he sparked something in me that I hadn't felt in a very long time.

However, this boy wasn't and isn't ready to commit to anything more than friends. I understood his feelings once he explained them but I still felt as if I was failing him and myself. Failing him because my love wasn't enough to make him change his mind and commit to me. I felt as though something were wrong with me because I couldn't make him stay. I still feel that way sometimes but it is getting better. And I felt like I had failed myself because my belief that love can cure all ills had been horribly shattered. My love hadn't been enough to make him feel good enough to be with me. My love hadn't soothed any hurts or healed anything at all. My love had done nothing. It was useless. Incapable of fixing anything.

Which let me to stop believing that "all you need is love". If that were the truth, than all of my relationships would have worked flawlessly. I fall harder than any person I've ever met and once I have fallen, I love deeper than most people do. A person's flaws become adorable quirks, no matter how horrible they seem to a person watching from the outside. In past relationships, I put up with really terrible things. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Physical and sexual abuse. Neglect. The reason I stayed so long is because of that ridiculous belief that my love would somehow make everything better. Love can't make someone stop hitting you. Love can't make someone stay with you when their heart has grown cold. And most of all, love cannot and will not make a relationship flawless.

Maybe, if things had been different and that boy had committed to me, I would have been happy. Maybe I wouldn't have been. The only problem there was the lack of trying. I don't expect anything to change and I know it won't. The only thing I regret is that I lost that silly belief. I was able to see so much light in people when I believed that my heart was capable of curing anyone. I could look at a person who was suffering the most horrendous tradgedy that was slowly killing them inside and be able to say,"Hey. You're still beautiful. Smile. Look up at the sky. Isn't that amazing? I love you so much. I wish you could feel that too." Now all I can see is the shadows. The darkness. The hideous flaws.

And I'm starting to see them in myself.

"All You Need Is Love"?

What a load of shit.

- Dhani

Home.

2009-07-03T05:54:00.001-07:00

...

I don't call because I don't want you to hear the unhappiness in my voice.

But I really do miss you.

- Dhani

Insignificance.

2009-06-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how one small, insignificant place can create such an emotional response from me. There's really nothing amazing about my home town, yet I find myself in pain as I drive through the silent night-time streets.

Maybe it's because there's a memory for every section of this unremarkable city. Times from my youth where I dreamed of living in a huge, glamourous city; but now that such a dream has some true, I long for the place where I came from.

Humans become the way they are because of the way they reacted to their enviroment. I grew up naive and sheltered to the outside world but developed strength by facing my inner pain on my own. There are places here that remind me of that sense of loneliness. Places that make me realize that this town may have hurt me more than helped me. Buildings, people and moments which frightened me and in a way still do. The positive pieces of the enviroment I grew up in are far outshadowed by the negative.

I have learned not to let fear and anger cloud my mind enough to make me forget the good. When I visit here, I am surrounded by people who love me and who miss me when I'm gone. To me, Moose Jaw is filled with vibrance and life, but only because I have chosen to look past the hurt, the emptiness and past memories.

I live in a place now where I have no real connection to anyone or anything. When I come here, I suddenly feel emerged in warmth. I become part of something tangible. A light, a closeness and a real family. The friends I have here take a real interest in my life and my experiences. Back home, my presense is merely tolerated.

But, I also see the faults. The darkness that hangs like a shroud. The knowledge that youth have given up hope on themselves and each other. I see sick boys and girls filling their lives with false friendships and cardboard cutout imitations of relationships.

It's like there's a cancer eating away at the core of the city. Hopelessness and lies are commonplace and encouraged. I wish I could fix people and heal the enviroment but I'm not strong enough. I can only pray that the people I love will see that they are better than the sickness and rise above it.

But who am I to pass judgement on society? I am just as strange as anyone else. The difference is that I acknowledge and take responsibility for my actions. Free will and self-control are both very important tools to be used.

Humanity is ridiculous but beautiful.

One thing I came to realize over my visit is that the people I used to think I knew, have become different people. I know it's part of growing up and that we all grow apart from each other eventually. My heart feels pain for the loss of the friendships I used to hold so dear to me. Where once fast friends would talk for hours is now the forced conversation of acquantainces. Friendships take two people but eventually someone will give up and decide to walk away. I can't lament over that. Such is life.

I cried on the plane because I knew I was willingly returning to a place that is utterly devoid of love. Knowing that my return home was a hassle instead of a joy. To wash the dishes, feed the cat and receive a disdainful comment about my room being a mess. To be left alone in an empty apartment where I was hoping for a warm homecoming. To bask in the glow of my computer screen, the warmth of a cat curled up against my leg and wish to be back where my real home is.

I know that I am strong enough to handle this.

- Dhani

School. And this black mold infested shithole.

2009-05-08T05:27:00.000-07:00

Black mold.

Our apartment apparently has black mold on the floor below. Which means our apartment probably does too. Which also explains why I've been constantly sick and why my allergies are 100% worse in here.

Capital Health or whatever hasn't come to inspect our apartment yet but I'm sure they will soon. Then we'll be booted out. Which is alright I suppose since we've already been looking for a new place to move into.

It's not that I mind moving, I'm pretty excited about it actually. But it's where they want to move to. Mom and Rob have been making offers on this acreage outside of Beaumont. They want a horse and everything. I don't think they realize how much upkeep an acreage takes. How much care a horse really needs. I mean, Rob has had a horse before but that was when he was a farmer. You can't have both parties working full time and have a horse. I have no idea what to do with a horse. But that's not the real issue here.

The problem is that when I moved here, it was under the sincere promise that my mother would try her hardest to help me get into school and support me during that time. I moved here with the intention of bettering my life. Never once has she even offered to take me to an open house or to ask about applications for mature students or anything. Even when I ask her, she makes some vague promise that we'll get to it and then forgets me completely.

I can't do this on my own.

Edmonton is a HUGE city. I have no car. I don't know my way around. It's not safe to be wandering around in unfamiliar cities on your own. So it's not like I can just get on a bus and go. And if we move out to the acreage, I'll need a car to get back and forth. I've been trying so hard to save up money but if I have to buy a car, then I won't have half my tuition saved up anymore. That means I'll have to wait another entire year working at that stupid place in order to afford school. And by that time, who knows what will have happened.

Mom also has a problem with me quitting my job to start school. I can't go to school full time and then work all night. I mean, I have a pretty good level of stamina but I'm not Superman. I need a chance to sleep and have a life. I told her I'd be willing to get a part time job to help out with rent or whatever, but she insists on me paying the full $600 a month rent even while I'm at school.

What was the point of moving here if I was going to have no support whatsoever? The whole point of me coming to this stupid province, was so that I could get my education and have a real life. A career, eventually get my own place, settle down, maybe find someone and start a family. Now I feel like I'm just wasting my time. Like this whole move was a huge big waste.

I'm just really tired of getting a load of empty promises. I'm also tired of trying my hardest but getting nowhere. And it makes me feel like giving up.

Now she keeps trying to postphone my ability to buy my plane ticket back to Moose Jaw for my visit. Saying that we should wait until later so she can work her schedule around it. If she stops me from going, it will be my signal to move on. I don't want to live with someone who would do that.

Love,
Dhani

Fuck. Off. Seriously.

2009-05-06T17:14:00.001-07:00

I am really tired of people saying they know things about the people I love when they haven't spoken to them, or even seen them in several years.

You know fucking -nothing-.

Also, the assumption that people never change also pisses me off a little bit. Who are you to say that someone is incapable of becoming a better person just because you knew them back when they weren't? Everyone deserves a second chance. Or at the very least, everyone deserves a sense of respect for accomplishing what they have. I don't care if you don't like him. At the very least you could tolerate him because I love him.

Who cares if he refuses to do everything you want him to? Did you ever think it's because he wants me to learn something? Or maybe he just wants me to accomplish something all by myself. I am perfectly capable. I work full time, I pay your fucking rent, and I am going to put myself through school with no one helping me. I have half saved up already. And if I have to buy a car to get myself back and forth, I'll do that too.

Just because I know he'll say no to paying for half of that vehicle, doesn't mean he's any less of a person. It doesn't mean that he loves me any less. It just means that he wants me to do something on my own for once.

And I will.

You do rag on him. Everytime I bring him up in conversation casually, you have to make some smart-ass comment about how bad he is. I'm fucking sick of it. And when I finally ask you to back the fuck off and stop, you blow up in my face and say that "you never say bad things about him." My fucking ass. You sat there and told me that "there are things I could say about him that would make you never talk to him again."

Sounds like you're saying bad things. I dunno. Just my opinion.

God, I just hate people in general.

- Dhani

A sense of deep loss.

2009-04-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

There were many things I would have liked to do to help someone who was important in my life. Someone who, when I was small, I remember as being full of laughter.

I remember playing at the bottom of my grandparents stairs. Their house that smelled like old books and delicious food. A pile of ancient lego blocks on the floor that both my cousin and I were far too grown up to be playing with anyway. Jarrod was a lot of fun to hang around with then. We used to build these lego robots and chase Kylie around with them. She loved it. We had a great time.

I also remember Aunt Terry coming to the top of the stairs and telling us to settle down. Of course, she didn't mean it very much. Just the same motherly scolding I knew my own mother would come down to say in a couple of minutes.

I wonder what happened along the way that made things so different. I know it's not true, but part of me feels responsible. Maybe if I had spoken up a bit more, encouraged a bit more. Been myself a bit more. Things would have been different. I know I'm just trying to find a way to fit myself with blame so as to have someone for my family to be angry at.

We always react with anger.

And when my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had passed away, I was overwhelmed with anger. So much anger that I had to sit down and write it or I would go insane. I'm angry at the doctors for failing her, I'm angry at her husband for standing by and doing nothing. I hate myself for being too sick to go and say goodbye. And I hate... it's stupid to hate.

But mostly I'm just sad. Sad to the very core of my being.

Because I know in my heart that she deserved better than what she got. We can only make life work with the hand we've been dealt. And I wish she had been dealt another one. One that hadn't landed her with the person she was wish. One that had made her healthy. One that would give her the strength to fight off the pain she was given. One to get better.

Sometimes I wish she had been given my hand.

If only for my mom. For my family. Because I know that the only thing I can do is to be a shoulder. I can be calm. Collected. I can radiate strength because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I loved my aunt. I really did.

I wish I had been able to fix her.

And I hate myself for failing.

Love,
Chantal.

An update?

2009-04-20T19:40:00.001-07:00

Just typing up a quick post to let everyone know that I'll be typing up a longer one soon XD

Random

Love,

A jackal.

A Kain-Style Interview

2009-03-29T22:04:00.001-07:00

1) What would be a fitting way to die for you, if you had the choice?

That's a tough one. At one point I would have said drowning; simply because I felt so suffocated where I was in my life. However, my life has changed since high school and I no longer feel so held down by the restrictions I put onto myself. Now, I would have to say that it would have to be fire. The element with the most destructive and creative power. Fire has led me to meet a person I love very much. It represents love. Doesn't fire claim millions of trees every year, simply to help the forest grow new life? I think I have been burned down to nothing because of hardship and now I am slowly growing anew.

2) What is the song you would want played at your funeral?

I've actually given this one a lot of thought. I think I would want "All Things Must Pass" by George Harrison at the beginning of my funeral. I don't want people to grieve for me but instead remember me for the living and vibrant person I think I am. The sun doesn't last all day and neither does life. Why should be grieve what we know is going to happen all along? Death is sad but it is also a happy period of rebirth and deep reflection.

3) If you could go back and change one moment, one choice in time, which would it be?

I would have chosen to walk away from Chris when I had been given the choice that night in August. It would have spared everyone around me the pain of watching me slowly fall apart for three years. And it would have spared me the pain I feel each and every day from that point on.

4) Pass judgement on humanity.

Humans seem to be so obsessed with instant gratification. In the end I can be content with the smile of a friend or a hug from a friend I care about. I can be content with the sound of the wind in the trees or the feel of rain on my skin. Humans can't appreciate the small things in life but instead obsessively search for the "next big thing". The next aderanaline rush and the next chance to fuck someone new.

5) If you had to choose a way for the world to end, what would it be?

An old school, Noah-style flood. Or let's all burn like Rome did in the days of Nero. I think burning and starting afresh would be strangely fitting. Besides, a lot of people seem to be really into the idea of Hell. We could bring it to them.

6) If there was one place you could be where no one you knew was, where would it be?

Exploring the ramshackle streets of a small seaside town in Ireland. Right in the thick of the village where no one knows me and I can act however I want.

7) If you had to sit in one place for a year, alone from all known civilization, where would you be?

The top of a small hill in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Looking over the city which made me into the person I am today. Where I experienced the greatest moments of my life.

8) If you could capture your essense into one song, which song BEST suits you?

This one changes as I change. Since I was introduced to a certain artist, I believe the song "Never Think" by Robert Pattinson pretty much sums up my existance.

9) If you could put yourself into one anime as your reality, which one would it be?

Ragnarok. The manga itself is so enchanting and so is the anime. I've always had amazing times on the video games. I think I could own some porings.

10) If you could change one aspect of humanity, which would it be?

Cease the neverending desire for "something better" and replace it with an appreciation for what we've been given.

11) What constantly surprises you in this world?

How people can be so absolutely foolish and know that they're being stupid and yet continue on the same self-destructive path. And also how people dish out advice and yet fail to follow it themselves. I know I'm guilty of both.

12) What would life have been like for those you know if you had not been born?

I know a couple of my friends would be dead since I held quite a few interventions in my time. I'm pretty sure a few of them would have AIDS or have been raped by now. Kain would be insane. Other than that, it would be pretty basic.

13) If you had to associate yourself with a language, which would it be and why?

English. One of the most expressive and complicated languages. Once someone has a mastery of it, they can build a person up or tear them down to nothing. I can manipulate others in that same manner.

14) Summarize yourself with unique statements that can't be easily applicable to others

Passionate about helping others but still reserved and distant from those that I wish to help. I never want to get involved but find myself utterly fascinated by the follies of other human beings. A jackal with a sadly flawed human personality that I desperately try to distance myself from.

15) If you had one gesture to represent yourself to others rather than words, what would it be?

A deep, passionate kiss. The kind that leaves you breathless and full-filled. I think that I give that feeling to people who fall in love with me.

16) If you could share one moment with all of humanity, what would it be?

A night under the stars with my best friend, a roomy car and the wind moving through the tall grass. Talking about the meaning of life and then switching back to how lame the radio is and then back to the deepest discussion of religion that leaves you with tears in your eyes.

...

2009-03-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

I screwed up.

Somehow, despite my best intentions, I ended up losing a friend.

My friend, well I guess... former friend, made a journal post about how her boyfriend had been fighting with her mother and threatened to kill her cat. I left her a comment on said journal telling her that she should call me after she reads it so that she could get out of the house for awhile and sort out her feelings. My friend mentioned that she was so upset that she felt like cutting herself. I was instantly very concerned her for, since she mentioned abuse and cutting in the same paragraph.

I went to work that night and told my supervisor at the time that I would like to have my phone on in case my friend called. That it was sort of an emergency situation and I needed to be able to help her if I needed to. My supervisor asked what was going on, and I explained the journal entry and how I might need to leave if something came up. My supervisor said that she understood and even told me she was willing to drive me to my friend's house to get her if I needed to. I thought that was very kind of her.

Unfortunately, the boyfriend of said friend also works on the MMT shift with us. He's a douchebag and no one really likes him. He's also sleeping with another person on the night shift behind his wife's back. He's a terrible person. But, the supervisor that I told these things to in confidence, turned around and told everyone else on the shift what was going on between the boyfriend and my friend. I didn't want it to happen but it did.

Last night I got a text message from my friend telling me to never talk to her again and just getting really angry that I had ever mentioned her problem to anyone at work. I tried to explain what had happened and that I had just been worried about her. She called me a cunt and told me to get out of her life.

I went into the situation with the best intentions and with a lot of worry for my friend. I have lost friends to both suicide and abusive relationships. I take both of them very seriously and I don't think people should casually mention either without expecting a reaction. Did she expect me to just sit by and be like,"Oh, your boyfriend is threatening your family pet and you want to cut yourself? That's super."

I think that a lot of people would have done the same thing that I did. I just wanted to look out for her safety and it backfired on me. I guess I should have been more careful with telling my supervisor what was going on, but apparently trust is something that isn't to be freely given out.

I suppose I'll go back to not telling anyone anything and refusing to trust people. Seems to work better that way.

But to the people who are involved: "Fuck you guys, seriously."

Love,
Dhani

Rambling - Furmeet and random

2009-02-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

Hey

I haven't updated in such a long time that I thought I had better pop on to give everyone an update on my life.

On the weekend, there was a furmeet. A ton of furries from Edmonton and Calgary got together at the West Edmonton Mall for mini golf and a furry parade through the mall. We had a total blast. There was about 10 fursuiters and about 40 furries in total. Here's the group shot:

I'm not in it of course because I was stuck taking pictures for most of the event. The rest of the shots are on my facebook, if you're interested.

It makes me want to get my own fursuit and I'll be working towards getting a partial one as soon as I can afford it. It just seems like the suiters have a lot more fun than the rest of us, not that we don't have fun as well! I met a lot of great people and made some new friends. Everyone is so open and accepting, no matter how different we all are. The furry fandom gives us something in common but everyone is so open-minded.

Once I get my new credit card and set up my paypal a bit better, I'll be opening up for art commissions and all of the money from those will go towards my fursuit. I'll also be accepting donations and such, if anyone is interested in helping out. I might just buy one off of furbid at some point.

I can hardly wait till the next mini meet on March 21st. Just another Yap and Draw but it's always good to see friends again.

Now onto random...

So, I still work at a lame job. They change my schedule constantly so I never have any idea of what I'm actually working. I was supposed to be off for four days but apparently I work tonight. I called in because they can't change my shifts on such short notice and expect me to switch everything around to work it out... and then change it back... and then change it again @_@ I'm starting to get dizzy from the amount of switching. So I'm going to go in, change my availiability to Monday through Friday and leave. That way they can't screw with my schedule anymore.

I also got invited to a wedding. Brad's mother is getting married over Halloween. I'm not sure if I'm going to head to Moose Jaw for that or head to Vancouver with Amran and Luci for Howloween (a furry convention). I'm thinking it'll be the wedding and then I can make wild plans to head to the bigger convention in Seattle next year. :3 Seems like this year is the year for weddings. I also need to call my dad tonight just to say hi. I definitely don't call enough -_- I just haven't had the time.

My mom asked me if I would change my last name today. I was confused so I just said,"Yeah sure, I will when I get married." But she meant now. She wants me to change my last name to her maiden name. I said no and she seemed to be a little miffed. Why would I change my last name when I'm just going to change it again when I get married? Seems like a HUGE waste of time and money. Then she said I shouldn't change my name even when I get married. I have no idea why this last name thing even matters. I don't care what my last name is at all o_o It's just a fucking word, who cares? Besides, King sounds way better than what she has. Ugh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLBY! Even though a day has passed XD I just wanted to mention it here *gives a fuzzy jackal hug* <3

Love,
Dhani

You can't spell diet without 'die'

2009-02-16T15:07:00.000-08:00

Hey,

So, my mom has set some new crazy diet regimen for me without my consent. She filled our cupboard with like... 100 calorie bags of chips or someshit. Despite the fact I barely eat as it is since my work schedule is so random. Apparently she's afraid I'm going to have a heart attack since she almost had one. However... she isn't changing her own diet at all. So I'm sort of forced onto this and then facing it entirely alone.

I joined a website called SparkPeople to see how many calories I really need to eat and lose per day to reach a goal weight of 160lbs by December 31st. Apparently I just have to eat between 1776 -2110 calories a day and then lose 297 calories per day. Pretty fucking easy. In fact, I eat less than 1776 calories right now on a daily basis and lose easily 297 in just one hour shift at work. I work pretty hard, thus negating my need to go to a real gym. Working counts are cardio, yay. I'll just do some lame strength training things at home.

Anyway, I'm pretty much starving now. I tried to make myself lunch but got shoo'd out of the kitchen. So apparently I don't even get to eat normally o_o Meaning I'm down to like, one and a half meals per day. I managed to smuggle one of those 100 calorie cheetos bags out of the cupboard but eating it just made me more hungry.

Gawd damn, I want a fucking sandwich.

Miserable jackal.

Love,
Dhani

School.

2009-01-28T05:44:00.000-08:00

...

You know, I never thought I would want to become something that was so difficult. The moment I decide on something that I'd really like to do, it's as if that door is slammed shut in my face.

I want (or rather, wanted) to become an english teacher.

I was going to major in english and minor in art, if that was needed. I was going to make a bunch of appointments to see a university representative. Get my shit together. You know? I was already saving up for a computer to use since our old one is getting pretty junky. I was planning ahead. Going to build up my credit rating so I could take out loans.

Doing it alone.

I've been looking into a zillion different scholarships. I have to either have a 90% average or be someone from Africa or someshit. Not to mention the millions of scholarships that are for Native Americans. Makes me wish my mom or dad was born on a reserve. Then I might have a chance of getting to school.

One scholarship looked awesome. Full four year tuition, residence and a $200 book allowance per year. All to go to a school in Scotland. Yeah. Scotland. Then I find out that it's all based on academic rating and that you have to have a 95% average to be considered. What. The. Fuck. What kind of kid has a 95% average in high school? Apparently last year's winner was some Native American orphan who was going into Medicine in hopes of curing other people who had died the same way her parents had.

How is someone supposed to compete with THAT?

Seriously.

The chances of me going to school are looking more and more small as days pass. Unless I go into something I absolutely loathe, I'm not going to be able to go to school. I might as well resign myself to working night shift at Zellers for the rest of my life. Maybe I could move up the ranks and become the night manager. Oh wow. Chills and thrills.

I tried to broach the subject of not paying the $600 a month rent now that there was another person sharing the apartment but I got completely blown off. I just wanted to save up for school. Not all of us WANT to work at Zellers for the rest of our lives. o_o; Apparently that plan was a no go. But not having to pay all that money every month would help me save up for a couple of classes at the very least. Especially when the course I want to take is going to be about $10,000 per term. 10 grand. That means about 40 grand for the four years.

That includes tuition, residence and the meal plan. Not including books. Which will probably be another $2,000. NAIT is just as expensive. And for lame courses.

It just makes me a little mad at the person who went before me. My parents had money put aside to help us both out. The person sort of squandered it. Went to school, dropped out and then ran off without paying any of it back. When I went to college and dropped out, I worked my ass off to pay back that debt. But now I'm going to get no financial assistance whatsoever because someone had to ruin it. To waste away all of that money so that I get nothing at all.

Oh well, I guess I learned by watching others.

I'm going to do this on my own somehow. Even if I have to stay up 72 hours a week filling out scholarships that are just going to be denied anyway. I'm going to make an appointment with the bank to get a credit card and start building my credit now. Then I'm going to look up student lines of credit and student loan information.

I'm sure Ryan will drive me from place to place if I ask nicely.

Love,
Chantal

2009-01-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

It's funny.

The memories that music brings out in a person are funny. In the way that they're never what you expect them to be.

We always look back on things that were big. Huge memories that changed who we are as a person. Music can make us dissolve into tears or grin with the greatest joy. It reminds us of those influential moments in our life that shaped who we are today. But sometimes music can remind you of the small things. How a beam of sunlight hit a person's face or the scent of their hair. The way someone looked when they were curled up with a book across from you or the exact timbre of their laughter.

This is what I like to remember about my life.

The small memories that seemed so unimportant at the time. They were only a passing thought at that moment but now they seem so important to me. These things that I took for granted. These things that were always there but I never really paid attention. It was all about the huge moments. We always forget to look at the tiny memories. Things like sunlight and laughter.

I remember coming home from school and seeing my mother curled up on the couch with a book. Comfortable pyjamas and a warm smile. As if we were always the most welcome sight. No matter how hard my day had been, no matter how much the other kids had teased me or hurt me, it was washed away by that warmth. Like climbing into the shower and letting the water wash your stress away. I even remember that it wasn't always a book. Sometimes it was a cross-stitch pattern that she had been working on for years. Bears. I remember it had little bears on it.

Colby lying beside me on the bed. His face smooth and peaceful as he sighed in his sleep. The feel of his hair twined with my fingers as he slept. Softness. An expanse of smooth skin that I was tempted to explore. The expression of trust in those eyes as they opened and the dawn of realization that I was still there. The glaze of joy as he reached across the short distance to brush my bottom lip with his fingertips. The crease of confusion when he saw that I wasn't really a dream. And the smile that came to my face as he closed his eyes, let his hand drop to the sheets and shifted back into a blessed sleep. The next morning when he told me he slept without nightmares for the first time. My heart aches knowing I gave that up for something temporary and meaningless. What is life without love? I miss him.

A recent memory. Kain's face illuminated by moonlight as we leaned out of the car windows and watched the stars. Wondering what life would be like for us when I was gone. I remember the smell of the long grass outside and the sound of the cars on the highway. The way Kain's hand rested on his thigh and was pale in contrast to the blue of his jeans. The memory of how his voice sounded when he said my name. The tousled hair that he told me he would be getting cut soon. I'm trying to hold onto these things more than anything. Not the fact that it was the day before I was leaving home. Not the fact that it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. I try memorize his face, rather than the agony of separation.

This music makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. Am I looking for the right things? Is it realistic to want something that you're sure you'll never receive. To believe that I deserve more than what I'm getting. To yearn for something that I know will never happen. I'll do my best to look at these little memories and realize that I've had it good. Don't focus on what you don't have and concentrate on the good things that have come to you. Reject the negative. Embrace the positive. When I start sounding like a self-help book, I know that I need to listen to myself.

It's when you come so far down that you don't know where you are anymore. You can see that little light at the very top of the well but you haven't the strength to scale the walls. Before, I would have just sit down in the dark and let myself be lost. Someone would come for me eventually. Before, I would have given up waiting for that rope to come tumbling down. To ignore the voices calling for me from the pinprick of light. Now... Now I think I might be able to manage the strength to at least stand up and shout back. To reach my hands towards that little bit of hope at the top of the well. I don't have to surrender to this lonely hole. I won't even think about leaning back against the stone walls and crying. No curling up on the damp ground for me. No more waiting. I'll reach out towards the rocks and find a firm foothold. I can do this.

A girl once said:

"You can only change yourself."

I think I am changing. Growing.

More than ever, I just want to go home. I don't think I belong here. But I'll make the best of it. Maybe I can learn something about myself and about the world before I go back. Let's see what new experiences I can pick up before I settle down into the quietness I've learned to love.

One thing I have learned is that you can't deny what your heart wants. Even though the path might seem difficult and your steps seem to falter more than you think you can take, there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. There is always a bright sky at the top of that well. If only we'd just take the time to look for it. If only we'd all take a moment to remember the small things.

Sunlight and laughter.

Tears and stars.

The warmth of a loved one and the chill of loneliness.

Sleeping angels and aching hearts.

These are the small things that I hold close to my heart.

Love,
Chantal

PS - The song that inspired it all:

Resolutions: I Hate New Years

2009-01-02T05:21:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

I decided I would finally get around to talking about the resolutions I made for the new year. Apparently it's something that you have to do, even if you don't actually fulfill any of these wishful plans. This year, I think I'm going to make an honest attempt, even if it ends up making things a little bit worse. Here we are in list form. No particular order of course:

1. To be more honest with myself. I will look straight into the mirror and realize my own faults, rather than blaming my own problems on other people. If I put myself into a situation, it's my own job to get myself out of it. I will also be true to myself. Stop sugar-coating and hiding parts of my life. People can love me or hate me. That's their prerogative.

2. Be more honest with others. Unfortunately, over this past month, I've ended up hurting people who were very close to me. I won't apologize directly because I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I also need to be honest with my feelings. I can't pretend to feel something just because I'm craving something else. I won't tell people I love them unless I absolutely mean it and if I don't love them, I'll give them the reasons why.

3. Take better pride in my appearance. Lately I've just had this "why should I care what I look like?" attitude. Especially over the past couple of days when I no longer have anyone to actually impress and look pretty for. I guess I should start to care because maybe if I look good on the outside then I'll feel better on the inside.

4. Open up more. I have to many things hidden here but no one to really talk to. I should find a good friend and just spill everyone. It's really needed. If someone would make time for me.

5. Tell her that I like her. Stupid idea but maybe I should just do it. Risk a friendship though, could be a bad idea. This one is still being considered.

6. Don't make lists of resolutions.

7. Don't drink.

That's about it for now.

Tell me some of yours?

Love,
Dhani Jackal

Pictures of Stuff.

2008-12-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of things:

This is me.

This is some Edmonton lights

More city lights

My boyfriend Ryan.

My best friend Raven

Love,
Dhani

PS: I am so sad about John Lennon that I can't even make up a long post about him. I love you.

2008-11-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I just want people to know what a great man George Harrison was.

George Harrison was more than just a guitar player and vocalist for the Beatles. They always called him the "beautiful one". Sure, he's good looking on the outside but I think he's one of those people where beauty flows from the inside. You could see it in his actions and hear it in his words. His spirit was in his music and it still is. If only people would open their hearts and listen.

Seems like such a silly thing to cry over a man who died before I even really knew anything about him. When I tell people that I love someone who I've never met, they look at me strangely. My love for those four Liverpool boys is so strong that it surpasses anything I've ever felt for another human.

George's music and how he is was as a person, inspire me to do better things with my life. They inspire me to reach for something greater than myself. I want to change the world. He makes me see beauty in things that I didn't notice before.

Above all, he makes me appreciate my life. And to realize that death is just another adventure.

All Things Must Pass

Sunrise doesn't last all morning
A cloudburst doesn't last all day
Seems my love is up and has left you with no warning
Its not always going to be this gray

All things must pass
All things must pass away

Sunset doesn't last all evening
A mind can blow those clouds away
After all this, my love is up and must be leaving
Its not always going to be this gray

All things must pass
All things must pass away
All things must pass
None of life's strings can last
So, I must be on my way
And face another day

Now the darkness only stays the night-time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
Its not always going to be this gray

All things must pass
All things must pass away
All things must pass
All things must pass away

So, I raise my glass to you George.

A genius. A poet. A songwriter. A musician. One of my heroes.

George Harrison - February 29th, 1943 to November 29th, 2001

Love,
Chantal

Having a crush on a boy... wow.

2008-11-22T05:40:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I had a huge crush on a guy at work. He was a furry like me, really nice, into video games, liked the Beatles. He also had an interest in art, writing and basically all of the same things I was into.

His name is Shawn.

So, I was so shy I could barely talked to him. Stuttered a lot and blushed awkwardly. Pretty bad first impression but we get along really well. He's gorgeous.

But...

Turns out he's gay.

Yep.

Totally gay.

However, I heard it from someone else so I'm not positive that it's a true story.

Just thought I'd share that excitement.

Love,
Dhani

Impossible Wish: A Dollfie.

2008-11-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

I thought I would come right out in this blog and tell all of you my deepest desire.

I want a Dollfie.

They're a type of asian, ball-jointed resin doll that is absolutely gorgeous. They have these realistic faces, soulful eyes and clear beautiful skin. Their little hands are exquisitely detailed and each individual hair is gorgeous like pure silk.

I want one so badly that I've been dreaming about them. Honestly, dreaming about some inanimate object. I want a little boy doll. On Luts, I want the one on the Luts-Honey-Delf link. Honey Delf MUFFIN. I would seriously carry my little boy around with me everywhere and make him gorgeous clothing. For me, he would be my best friend, a companion when I feel lonely.

I guess stuffed animals and porcelain dolls aren't cutting it anymore.

I promise I would take care of him T_T

The only problem is, they're quite a bit of money. The one I want, the aforementioned one, is $250.00 USD I believe. That doesn't come with clothes. Just the body, eyes and wig. I would make my own clothes for him or buy little outfits when I got paid.

It's all I want for Christmas. Honestly.

My mom could never afford it. I might ask to go halves on it with her. She'll think I'm ridiculous.

*sighs*

Love
Dhani

Fursuit Status: Head before furring!

2008-10-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

As you guys know, I decided to make my own partial fursuit. I'm nearly done! In fact, I'll have everything finished on my very first fursuit by tomorrow. Just in time for the Bellerose Anime Festival in St. Albert, Alberta.

Here's some pictures:

Pretty cute, ne?

I'll update my blog with the completed fursuit pictures.. sometime tomorrow @_@ If I have time. If not, it'll be on Sunday.

Love,
Dhani Jackal :3

Realization: I Am Different.

2008-10-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am different.

I realized this when I was trying to make new friends at work. It's a funny realization because I never really noticed it before. In high school, it's so easy to make friends because there were at least three people who were like me. Out in the real world it's much harder to find people who are like you.

I did make a friend but there are parts of her that annoy me. There's parts of me that annoy her. We clash. But at the same time there's a mesh that means that a friendship is slowly starting. I guess that's how all friendships start. There's no instant connection, not usually at least. With Kayla and I there was an instant connection. We looked at each other and knew that that was it. We would be friends until we could no longer stand each other. It hasn't happened yet and here's to hoping that it never will.

And then there's the sort of friends that start off in the face of adversity. Kain and I both went through a lot of problems, battles and tribulations before we became the fast friends we are now. We've witnessed things about one another that no one else has. He and I know the deep inner workings of each others minds. Secrets that no one knows. It's a friendship that travels beyond any conventional meaning. It's like we've reached transcendence, or something corny like that.

But, I am different anyway.

I can't fit in with regular people. I'm not sure why but a lot of the time I feel like I'm too intelligent, too emotional, too in touch with the things around me. Like I see more of the world than they do or that they don't react in the proper way. Maybe that's really elitest of me but it just feels like I have so much more maturity than average people do. I've seen more pain in my life, experienced more. This especially holds true for people my own age or close to my age. All the twenty-somethings that I talk to are still concerned with partying, sex, drugs, etc. I'm just... not.

I realized that my differences make me a better person.

My experiences have shaped who I am. They make me appreciate the things that have been given to me and to see that my life is okay. That everything is going to be okay. My differences make me able to form friendships that are based on deeper things, rather than based on alcohol, sex and drugs. To base my friendships on emotions, rather than superficial stuff.

At least I hope so.

Love,
Dhani

Something Old, Something New.

2008-09-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hello again,

I recently found an old diary of mine. I found an entry that still applies to how I see life today. I think it was written mid-summer, about two years ago. I thought I would share it with you.

Mid-Summer

It is in the silences that I find the answers. The blissful reflections when there is peace instead of the usual chaos. I can sit here in this park and notice every feeling nature gives me. The tree that my back presses against is a reminder of safety that I do not get to feel often but yearn to have. The wind provides a soothing whisper as it weaves through the leaves. The rain filters through those same branches and falls so gently against the paper I write on like tears.

I ignore those who desperately search for me and continuously end the protesting ring of my cell phone. My heart does not desire neither pity nor sympathy. It desires the natural peace that only places like this can reward me with.

As the sun sets, the day slowly fades into night. Each passing second brings me a new gift from Mother Nature. I open each eagerly and study it until I know it in every way. I watch as the sun turns trees into gold and silences the birds of the day. I learn the sound of the rain hitting the ground, paper and my skin.

Each of these small lessons teach me the greater lessons of life. They show me that, I too, can belong. Even if it is just among the beings who may not speak a language of words, but still speak a language of feeling. A song of life and knowing every creature belongs.

~*~

I just thought I would share that before I move onto the real entry. First I want to give you a quote I received from a close friend of mine.

"I have always wondered what it is that I am looking for. Is it the gentle hush that precedes the storm or the knowledge that all will be well once it passes?"

I have been having these dreams since I moved. I wake up with this feeling of separation. In the dream I am reminded of what I left behind. A figure I've been dreaming about since I was younger.

Soft fur, pointed ears and warm brown eyes. Greyish, usually. A mixture of greys, whites and blacks. Paws that leave large prints in the fluffy snow. They almost match mine; if mine were a little bigger.

His voice is quiet and plumes into the winter cold. He tells me secrets that I can't quite make out. He tells me that I remind him of all the good things in life.

I want to ask him who he is (I already have guesses), but I wake up right before he answers.

A wolf and a jackal?

Dreams are strange, but I don't want to wake up from that one.

Love,
Dhani

Empty Existance.

2008-09-25T12:57:00.001-07:00

Hi,

Maybe I complain too much about it, but I really do hate Sherwood Park.

I have no friends, the whole transit system confuses the fuck out of me, I'm lonely, work is awkward, and I come home to an empty apartment every day. I'm not actually supposed to leave the apartment except for work, mostly because I'll get completely lost. So I'm confined to this stupid apartment building where our neighbour across the door is constantly screaming at her drug addict boyfriend and throwing household items around.

Upon arrival, I got informed that I might not be able to take the course that I wanted to take because it might not be offered at SAIT. I haven't looked into SAIT yet. The reason I might have to go to SAIT is because next year my mom has these grand plans to move to Calgary with her boyfriend. They call it the "Whatever-It-Takes-One-Year-Plan". And if I don't fit into that fucking one year plan shit, I'm basically tossed by the wayside. I really don't matter in the whole mom+ her boyfriend equation.

There is nothing good about this place.

I miss home so much.

If someone came and picked me up, I would leave with nothing more than a photo album and the clothes on my back.

Love,
Chantal

The Day Before The Move; Midnight.

2008-09-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

Saturday, September 20th, 2008. Midnight. Written on some notebook paper.

So, I said goodbye.

I said goodbye to fourteen years.

I said goodbye to a place that feels like home.

Goodbye to the familiar streets and buildings. To Main Street where teenagers drive endlessly up and down. Hip-hop blaring from car stereos and young girls hang out with older men at Tim Hortons. To the mall that once held me enthrall but now bores me. To the rundown historical buildings and the Wal-mart I once spent hours at.

Goodbye to the park where I used to play make-believe; even as an adult. To the boardwalk that I walked Masen along. The river where I watched both my dogs play in; "Come on Ace! You're doing great!" Water lapping against the dock where my friends and I would sit and contemplate our own meanings.

Goodbye to places I once thought were important. Old homes where I learned how to ride a bike, met my first best friend and where I grew up too fast. The places I went to school. Remembering the sounds of laughing, slamming of lockers and the taste of stale cookies when I forgot to eat breakfast before band practice. The arcade where I had my first kiss and my first taste of heartache. Places I used to work. The sound of fresh popcorn and a sense of fun. The smell of coffee and feeling responsible and talented at something.

Goodbye to the place I live now. To the house we made despite obstacles. Warmth, love, and closeness. Staying up all night talking to people I may never meet and being scolded for it the next day. Listening to muffled Mandarin from the basement while drifting to sleep at night. Ducks hanging from the ceiling to dry and an endless supply of rice. The spider-infested basement that I grew to love and the feel of a warm labrador curled up before me.

Goodbye to my amazing brother and adorable sister-in-law. Remembering times spent together as children playing with plastic lizards and sibling bickering. Bonding together against difficult odds and being there for each other when no one else was around. To first meeting her as she shivered in the Canadian cold. Sparkling eyes as Christmas morning approached. Teasing Dylan until he scolded us jokingly.

Goodbye to a loving father. A person who taught me that people can and will change. That there is always something to look forward to and you should try to smile. To a person who pulled me out of rough spots, dusted me off and still let me make mistakes. To sage advice mixed with a ready laugh and encouragement. A father who told me I could do anything. Be anything. Who always told me that I was worth so much more than I gave myself credit for.

Goodbye to a woman who has inspired me so much. A free-spirited fighter who just won't back down. Who showed me that all you really need is love. Shares my passion and my thirst for peace and fairness. A woman who I would be honored to call my step-mom and already do (when she can't hear me saying it).

Goodbye to one of the greatest boys I have ever met. Someone who is not afraid to be who they are even if they get hurt because of it. A ready shoulder to cry on and always the first to cheer me up. To the one person in my life to tell me that being different is amazing; as long as you flaunt what you have. Who helped me pick out the right dress and taught me the importance of being fabulous! Who believes that Love is indeed, Love.

Goodbye to my best friend. My rock, my voice of reason and my sanity. Eons of memories both good and bad. My mirror, sharing my ideals and outlook on love, on life. My link to reality and my gateway into the unknown. A long wolf but still always part of my pack, my world. To the one person I believe with my whole heart that I could call soulmate.

I will miss every part of this town...

Love Chantal.

Masen.

2008-08-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

As you guys know, I had to find a new home for Masen. Last night we drove him out to a farm to meet a nice family. We left him there for what I thought would be forever. I cried most of the way home. Maybe not on the outside but on the inside. I went to sleep in the bed that I shared with him. I cried. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

He's back again.

The family didn't work out. They said that Masen wasn't really that into being active and that he scared their dog. My dog is a pretty sleepy, lazy dog. Maybe he's not suited for farm life? The first thing he did when he saw me was walk right past me and stand by the car. He knows where home is. And that's exactly where he wanted to go. Does that mean he was unhappy there?

I want to keep him with me. The only reason I'm trying to give him up is because of outside pressure. Everyone is telling me that he would be happier on a farm with other dogs and lots of kids. What if he's not? What if he's happier just getting a walk once a day and then coming home and sleeping. Because I take him for a walk everyday then he comes right home and clocks out for the rest of the day. Then I come home at the end of my shift and play with him for an hour and a half. Most of the time he doesn't even want to play that long. I make him play that long.

I'll keep looking but I know he's happier with me. Curled up at my feet, snoring, with his paws kicking makes me know he's happier with me.

Love,
Dhani

Uprooted.

2008-08-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hello,

It's been a long time since I've written and I'm only doing this out of desperation. I am so upset that I feel as though I could simultaneously explode and shrivel into a small ball.

My mom got a job offer in Edmonton and got it. She's already looked at apartments and told me I have just over a week to decide what I'm going to do. A week to decide where I want to go with my life and what I want to do. Most people would state that Edmonton has more opportunities, more chances to advance my life. There's a great school there, plenty of jobs, I could make new friends, reinvent myself and maybe... just maybe I could be happier there. These things come at a price.

I am being told that there will be a chance that I can't take my dog with me. My dog is... one of the most important people, albeit a furry person, in my life. You can say that's stupid all you want, but it's only the truth. I looked at apartments and I can't find one that allows pets. I don't party, smoke or play loud music. I'm responsible, intelligent and capable. But I have a dog. A well-behaved, quiet, gentle dog. Somehow this means that I'm not able to find an apartment. My mom keeps saying that I can just leave Masen with someone until we figure things out. I keep wanting to say,"I'm not going to just abandon him like you abandoned us." I have no idea why I want to say it. Maybe because I'm starting to realize that it's true.

Abandon.

It's a strange word. Dark, looming. The sort of word that you would have to lean close and whisper into someone's ear. Abandon. Painful and confusing. It's hard to think of a world without Moose Jaw. I mean, I've lived here close to my entire life. The people I love are here. She's asking me to leave everything behind, turn away and never look back. Never. Look. Back. That's what it feels like. The thought of not seeing my father every week KILLS me. It's so upsetting that I feel like it's not even real. Surreal. Not a reality. It shouldn't be a reality to me.

I feel very stuck right now. People keep saying that I should go. Try it out. I can always come back, they say. I'm not the type of person to just drop everything and walk away. I used to be a runner. I used to be able to go, "Fuck this shit." and walk away. I'm not a runner anymore. My mom can run away from whatever it is she's so afraid of here. I don't want to run. Moose Jaw is my HOME. And for someone who has never felt that sense of home, that is a lot to say.

I want to settle here. I want to raise my kids (which will be dogs) here. I want to bring Colby up here and go, "Hey, this place is pretty cool. Check this out, I met my very first best friend here. Hey, this is where I had my first kiss. This is my high school. Hey look, these are the footprints of my life." My existence is here. My home... is here.

Now I just need to find a way for Masen and I to keep it our home. And if there's anyone out there who are willing to help me keep it that way, I would be eternally grateful.

Love,
Chantal and Masen.

Wednesday: No special day. Just random.

2008-07-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

It's been a couple weeks since I posted anything so I thought I should make an appearence so you don't think I've died. I have been doing a lot of thinking since I settled into my new "home". I live in the basement of my mom's home now. I pay rent and I have my own dog. A lot has changed in such a short time but I'm determined not to be overwhelmed by it.

I got promoted at work. I'm not the assistant manager of the Starbucks and my responsibility has shot right up. It seems that with my dollar raise, I also got an extreme raise in stress. I work 40 hours a week but it seems like I'm always doing work after hours. Getting called during the day by my staff for advice, going in on my days off to check on them, staying late. I like it. I have a sense of purpose that I'd been missing in my life. I feel like I'm going to go somewhere and do something.

I bought a dog. His name is Masen and he's a very large black lab. Looking at him gives me a sense of pride, of happiness and also of sadness. When I touch his fur or take him for a walk around the block, I am reminded of another dog and feel like I'm betraying his memory. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a lab. At least not one of the same color as Ace. I miss that happy-go-lucky dog like you can't imagine. I think that Masen is helping me learn to let go of the past and move forward. I have a furry person I can devote myself to. To shower with love and mold into the well-behaved little man I know he can be.

Also, getting Masen is allowing me to grow closer to my dad. To share in child-like wonderment as I train him. Asking for advice and recieving it. Making up for lost time and rebuilding a relationship. I don't regret adopting him, even if he does remind me of Ace sometimes. He really is the love of my life.

I've been writing again. Cryptic poems that even I can't understand and of course, working on rewriting the novel I started in ninth grade. It's not exactly up to the standards I would like it to be. Hopefully I'll have that project underway before too much time passes. I might make a blog for that story as well. Post a chapter every once and awhile to satisfy the people in my life who desperately want to read everything that I write.

My brother and my sister-in-law moved out awhile ago. I miss them dreadfully and it's really strange not to have Stephanie around to keep me company. The kitchen is no longer filled with delicious smells and the warmth of home seems to have disappeared. I spend most of my hours while I'm at home in loneliness. A lot of things have been moved around, as if my mom was trying to chase out memories. I guess I just got so used to Dylan always being around that it feels so strange to have him far away. I want to call him and just chat about nothing. Maybe I'll ask him for his email but I don't know if he has the internet yet. I guess this is part of growing up and growing apart. I hope my mother takes me to visit them soon. Or maybe they could come home for dinner. I want them to meet Masen.

Here's a poem I wrote.

Snow

Just white
Just silent.
I dream of you.
Quiet touching.
Gentle reprise.
I awake, wondering...
What became of you?
Tender kisses.
Rain-drenched curls.
Waiting for the sun to shine.
On my bitter, broken heart.

In this dark.
I am singing.
Love songs.
For my sad fate.
Cold and empty.
Reflect the rain...
Where have you gone?
In this light.
I see nothing.
A bittersweet reprieve.
Grieving for hope.

To regret.
Staring into this.
Symphony of gold.
Time flowing.
Hourglass cracked...
Who have you become?
I lost track.
Of your glow.
In the dark.
Cried for my loss.

If I forgot.
How to smile.
If my shine faded.
The clock stopped.
Hands and minutes...
Would you miss it?
I am here.
In this winter scape.
Waiting and listening.
For your footsteps.

In the snow...

Love,
Dhani

Tiresome Tuesday: A Mirror.

2008-07-01T00:15:00.001-07:00

Hello,

Today I come to you... reflective, introspective and with a slight feeling of loss. I'm not sure what else to say other than to ramble on endlessly about how I am feeling right now. In that way, I shall name my entry "A Mirror" and get started.

A Mirror

When we see a mirror, most of you probably only see an empty reflection staring back at you. As you fix your hair, your makeup and your clothing you see nothing more than a mimic, copying your every move. When I see a mirror, I barely glance at it because I know that if I stare at it long enough than I'll start to remember who I was or start to think about the person that I'm starting to become. Maybe I'll even be saddened to know that I'll never be who I feel I should be. To have my outsides match my insides.

I had someone very close to me tell me that I make them feel as though they aren't valued. I had him tell me that I make him cry himself to sleep and that no matter what he does for me it doesn't seem to be enough. I always saw myself as the type of person who was so open, so loving. That everyone else was the narrow-minded empty people. Am I really becoming the type of person who is that spiteful? That abusive and cruel? I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I lost myself somewhere along the way. Are they right, or are they wrong about the person I am?

It seems like I only torture myself with thoughts like this when I'm alone. I have so many things going for me right now. Amazing family and friends. A great job. Soon I'll even have a place to stretch out and a dog. I don't quite understand why I'm feeling like such a terrible person. Mirrors are becoming my newest fear because I hate looking at myself and wondering what I can do to improve myself even more. I look at the people I've surrounded myself with and just see them as ugly and that they lack so much meaning. But at the same time there are others here in my world that represent so much goodness. I try so hard to be like those people.

People like Cindy who have fallen but still get up and keep going. People like my own Dad that have fought and beaten addiction. Who have made themselves into better people because of their experiences. Who had stumbled and learned from their mistakes. I've been trying to learn from mine but I'm not exactly sure what mistakes I've made. There are days when slipping into isolation feels like it would be the better move to make. But I won't let myself do that again because I'm a far stronger person now, I know that.

I just wish that other people saw my insides and knew who I really was.

A lover, a fighter, a jackal, a scared child, a spiritualist, a mother, a daughter, a girl and a boy.

Love,
Dhani

Thoughtful Thursday?: A poem.

2008-06-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

It has been quite awhile since I wrote anything. I'm now the first assistant at work and haven't really had the time to do much but work, sleep and do more work at home. My brother is moving out soon and I'll be moving into the basement. Then I'm going to find a computer to buy somewhere and get that all set up. I'm going to push off moving out for as long as possible, especially since I'll have a larger space to stretch out and do my own thing in soon enough.

Today is a Thoughtful Thursday. I haven't written in a long time but I sat down and this poem came out while I was listening "Isn't It A Pity?" by George Harrison. I suggest you look it up because it's pretty introspective and helped me put a couple things into perspective. So here you are, a poem:

Knowing

You're looking at me,

I always look away.

You're staring at me,

through a pane of glass.

I'm gazing at the far future,

wondering if it will ever involve you.

Maybe if I say my prayers,

each night like a good girl,

I'll finally be happy.

Diligently fixing the holes,

so the weather doesn't get in,

and rot the wooden beams

holding this fragile manger together.

Finding warmth in the piles of straw,

instead of your ever-present smile.

Thinking about where I'll go,

if I'll find you at the end of the road.

Puzzled by whether I am better alone,

don't need a companion at my side.

When I've become complacent,

drawing circles in the dirt.

Learning how to decipher this,

imagining I'll find you in the sand.

Knowing I won't.

Find you.

I hope you enjoyed that. I miss making entries and I'll be trying to get back into the flow again over the weekend.

Love,
Dhani

Special Event: Ticked Off Thursday

2008-05-22T16:24:00.001-07:00

Hello Y'all,

No, I will never say "y'all" again after that moment, don't worry. I don't allow anyone to talk like they're from the South around me. This is a special event because I just NEEDED to rant a little bit because I've been having a relatively crazy week.

Ticked Off Thursday

So, last night I was hanging out at my dad's house after I got off at work and the talk came around to money used on rent. Now, my brother and I still live at home with our mom. It started off perfectly fine and I thought her $200 a month was pretty reasonable. I don't really use very many utilities around the house and I don't eat all that much. My brother had to pay $400 a month because he's paying for both himself and his wife to live at the house. They also use twice as much utilities because there's obviously two of them.

This was working out fine for some time although I wasn't paying rent because I didn't have a job at the time. We soon began to realize, however, that the money we were giving to our mother for rent wasn't being used properly. My brother was paying basically two of the bills and my mom was paying the rest. I say it wasn't being used properly because my mother goes out for supper almost every night and isn't exactly frugal with her savings. My brother buys all of his own groceries and basically lives a separate life from the rest of us with his wife. We're all okay with that.

Finally, I managed to snag a job at Superstore here and was working quite a few hours. I also got a job at Starbucks that was just opening and decided to work at the Superstore until I started at Starbucks on May 18th. When I received my very first paycheck on Superstore, I blew it all on things for myself. Clothes, movies and video games. I treated myself because I hadn't had a job in so long and wanted to celebrate that. I also knew that I would be getting a bigger paycheck in two weeks.

Today was the day I got that bigger paycheck. It came to the grand total of $338 (which really isn't that bad). I told my mom I would give her $200 of it, which I thought was pretty fair and keep $100 of it for myself to give to my dad for a car payment. So in reality, I was only keeping $38 of it, most of which will go towards my paying to renew my license and such. However, my mom demanded the entire paycheck, saying that it was because I hadn't given her any of my last one. I told her that I would not, and that $200 would be fine for now.

I discussed rent with my dad, who said that $400 was entirely unreasonable because my mom would basically be turning a profit on my brother and I's combined mother. She would be getting $800 a month, which she definitely doesn't need to maintain our house. Even with mortgage payments and bills (which shouldn't be over $800 a month I might add), she should have been able to be frugal enough with her money to pay it off without too much of our assistance.

My dad and Cindy told me that there were a couple places they knew of that were accepting tenants for as little as $400 a month INCLUDING utilities. Basically all I would need to pay after rent would be internet/phone and groceries. Not too bad at all, especially since I'll be making about $200 a week with my new job at Starbucks as a supervisor. Plus, my dad would hold me up at his house for a lower rent rate until I was able to move out. There are so many better options than living here, especially with someone who is entirely unfair with her finances.

However, I have several worries as well about moving out. For one, I'm not sure if these places are furnished and since I don't have any chairs/tables/fridge/oven, I'm not sure if I could move out right away, which I would like. Also, I don't have a computer, which would make me feel pretty cut off from the world. If anyone has an old computer they'd be willing to sell for a cheap price, I would be very interested. I basically just need it to run MSN and store some music for now. I could save up for a better "gaming" computer with time or even purchase an external harddrive and video card for that sort of thing at a later date.

There is a huge perk (for me anyway), I could have my own small dog or cat in some of these places. I would really like to move to a place that allows keeping animals because I would be all alone. I'd need some sort of companionship. Another perk is that I no longer have to be so close to my family anymore (I don't mean that in a rude way). I think I really am ready and independent enough to take care of myself in that way. I really like my job at Starbucks and I'm promised at least 24 hours a week. I'll be getting above minimum wage, which is at $8.60 apparently. I'll be getting AT LEAST $200 a week... definitely more than that since I'm an AST (basically a supervisor/management). So that's about $800 a month.

Definitely excited to get out of this hell.

Love,
Dhani

Secret Sunday: Strangely Suitable (Wow, lots of S's)

2008-05-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

Hello muffins,

Seems like I'm on a roll for blog updates so I thought I would pump out a quick one before I collapsed from exhaustion. I just got back from a 15 hour car ride to Cold Lake, Alberta and back again. For the hours back, I had to sit beside an obnoxious, loud, fidgety eight year old. My idea of hell for sure. Not to mention that I got a pretty grotty hurtful comment on the way there. Apparently my mother won't be here for my birthday next Monday. She'll be at her boyfriend's house in some shitty hick town. It's good to feel important.

Anyway, here's the Sunday Secrets I chose.

Secret Sunday: Strangely Suitable

So, I saw this secret and I was surprised how much is suited my own view towards life. I try my hardest not to get upset with other people because I realize that they have their own wars to wage. I fight a different battle each day and when it seems like I'm falling down two steps with every one I take, I remember that other people are often facing their own struggles. Knowing this, I go out of my way to be kind to everyone I meet. Lately I seem to be assisting so many people with their problems that I've been neglecting the things in my life that have been going wrong. But, at least I'm not alone all of the time.

When I saw this, I took it as a definite message. For the last couple weeks I've been having trouble accepting the idea of having to say goodbye to the people you care about. When someone important to you dies or walks out of your life you can end up feeling that pain for a long time. Sometimes those people will never come back again. I started to hate the idea of having to say goodbye and I isolated myself for a week. I closed myself off so that I wouldn't have to say that word to anyone. On reflection, I realized that I learned so much from the people who came and left from my life. It is true that with every goodbye, you learn. Sometimes the lesson remains hidden for a long time. Usually it stays that way until you start to get over the bad situation. Though Meghan's passing for me was traumatic and very upsetting for me, I learned a lot from her and from her tragedy. I learned that life is something precious and worth holding onto.

I also learned that you should tell the people you care about that you love them, even if you haven't spoken to them in a long time. Anger is something that takes a long time to fade but it can always be helped along by a heartfelt apology.

Thanks for listening to me rant during this Secret Sunday :3 Hopefully I'll continue on my roll and update more often.

Love,
Dhani (Who has also been called 'Macca' very frequently as of late o_O weird Beatle friends.)

Special Event: Remembering Meghan.

2008-05-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

Today I am writing a solemn blog in remembrance of a friend of mine that recently passed away. I haven't had the time to sit down and decide what I would want to say about her. Other than I love her and that she was so important to me. Instead, I'll tell you about her. The good bits, the sad bits... anything that pops into my head. It's hard.

Meghan

When I first met you, you were quiet and shy. My friends told me that you were suffering from lung cancer. I felt bad for you but I didn't know you well enough then to feel the pain that I'm feeling now. I met you from another friend. She introduced us because we were both really into the Beatles. You had been a fan since you discovered that George Harrison died from the same thing that you were suffering from.

George was your favourite. I remember us getting in arguments over which Beatle we thought was the hottest. Usually it would end in us laughing at Paul's mullet from the 70's and deciding that all of them were beautiful. I remember you telling me that I was beautiful too. You said that I had John's heart. I'm still not sure what you meant by that but you assured me that it was the deepest compliment you could think of for me. I believe you. I still think that you have George's heart. Gentle, sensitive and spiritual on a level that I can't even fathom. Sometimes I even thought that you WERE George. That you were reincarnated to teach me some sort of lesson about life, love and the universe as a whole.

When you started to get sicker, I was so worried about you. I was so afraid that you were going to leave me. I'd never met anyone as wonderful as you. Someone who understood me in a way that no one else did. We could laugh together, cry together... slowly, I watched you grow up. You were older on the inside that you looked on the outside. You were like a soldier that just wouldn't give up.

It was the day that you told me that you wanted to thank God for your cancer that I realized that you were going to end up leaving me here. You told me that you were thankful that you were sick because you knew what George had gone through. You told me that when you went to meet him in Heaven, you could sit down with him and talk to him about all the suffering in the world. About how your temporary pain was nothing in the grand scheme of things. We used to have talks about Peace. About how the world needed more people like us. You taught me that love isn't something you can reach out and touch. Love is within all of us and outside of all of us. If people could just take it inside of their hearts and understand the harm they were doing to one another and themselves, we could have Peace.

I never thought I would learn so much from a 13 year old girl. You always seemed so strong even though your body had become fragile from being so sick. We thought you were getting better towards the end. When your Make A Wish foundation request had gone through, you were ecstatic! We were so jealous for you then. You were going to meet Ringo Starr! At first you were disappointed that you wouldn't get to meet Paul as well but we told you that you had to take what you could get. You told me that it was the happiest day of your life. I felt so happy for you and hoped that you could pull together just long enough to see him.

You started to get more sick as the day approached. You told me that the doctors said you only had a month left. Just one month. But you still smiled for me and told me that you were happy that it was all going to be over soon. You would get to meet George, your idol... your love and your best friend. We started to talk about what it would be like for you after you passed on. You made promises to me that you would hug John for me, that you would tell him how much he meant to me. The same for George. The day of you going to meet Ringo approached but the doctors had told you that the cancer had moved into your little heart.

I went to sleep that night praying to whoever was up there that they would let you hold on long enough to grant you your wish. I had a dream that night that we were sitting together on a cloud drinking tea. Green tea, your favourite. John and George were there and we were laughing about something. I woke up the next morning with a feeling of loss but at the same time I was so happy. You had come to say goodbye.

I heard from your friend that you had passed away the night before about 1am. I was saddened by this but at the same time I was happy that you weren't sick anymore. That you were with George and John finally. Even if you didn't get to meet Ringo, I know we'll all get to meet him together someday. You can tell him how scary I am so that they can brace themselves before my arrival. Haha.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. You promised that you'd annoy John for me until I got there. I'll take over and do my best after that.

I love you more than I ever told you. I'll always be your Little Jude and you'll always be my Prudence. I miss you Meghan.

Love,
Dhani

Why Wednesday?: Time to Wait and Playing Charades

2008-05-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

Hello readers,

A friend of mine has once again set down some hard hitting questions for me to answer. I feel guilty because it's been SO long since I updated. I've been busy running my own Ragnarok Online server, working and running my new Beatles guild on Gaia Online. Hopefully I can make some time to update now and again.

Why Wednesday?: Time to Wait and Playing Charades.

Where do you draw the line in this world? In the end, we all have to...where do you?

It's hard to say where I would draw the line because I don't know which situation we're specifically talking about. I'll just take it as it comes and try not to ramble too much. Since I've been thinking about it a lot, I'll talk about where I draw the line between chasing imagination and staying within the bounds of reality.

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams about the Beatles, actually. In these dreams, we're all friends and I get to sit down and thank them for what they've done for me in my life. I find myself retreating more into these dreams, these fantasies. Lately I have a tendancy to forget where I am and what I'm doing with my life. I often end up staring into space and wishing I could be a completely different person in a completely different era. It's hard to decide whether or not I want to step back across my very thin line between reality and imagination.

If this isn't what you wanted me to answer, leave a note and I'll get back to you.

How do you tell apart the time to leave from the time to wait? (Regarding relationships)

This is one of the hardest questions to answer because relationships are so emotionally charged. I've been waiting for Colby for a long time. Or at least what I perceive as a long time. There have been moments where I've wanted to just drop everything and walk away but something holds me to him. Maybe it's the way he can look at me and I just know he wants to be with me. The knowledge that he's trying so hard just for me is what makes me decide that it's not yet time for me to leave. Some people gage those times differently. Some leave as soon as the first sign of hardship appears and others will stay inside of a rut where they are unhappy and broken.

For me, I tell the time apart by how I feel. I'll sit down, look deep inside of myself and decide how exactly I am feeling at that moment and how I may feel in the future. I try to be realistic and plan ahead in everything.

Why do you think people keep playing charades and following the blind?

People play charades because they're afraid of showing who they really are. I used to do the same thing because I didn't want anyone to judge me negatively on who I was on the inside. It's easier to put on a mask and put up a front in order to escape the ridicule of others. And we follow the blind because we're often blind ourselves. There are many times in a person's life where they have no idea who they are and where they're going. I know I'm guilty of clinging to the sleeve of someone I deem as "smarter" and "wiser" than me and doing as they do. It gets me in trouble sometimes but it can also be a worthwhile learning experience.

I hope that's a good enough answer for your questions XD It's pretty early in the morning right now but I'm off today *yay* Please send me more questions!

Love,
Dhani

Fun Furry Friday: Ulario-Aira-Zemothe and Daddy Comes Home

2008-04-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

Ulario-Aira-Zemothe

Hello everyone!

Our furry artist this friday is Ulario-Aira-Zemothe. I recently discovered this amazing fur's artwork while scanning through the Recent Artist section. It was the picture above that caught my eye the most. The realism is so adorable and my favourite part was actually the paws. They caught my eyes and I loved each perfectly formed claw on the end of each pudgy puppy paw. I also really liked the choice of background for this one and the border work on the sides.

Ulario have quite a bit up in her gallery but I haven't had a chance to go through all of it. What I have seen, however, is definitely worth every second of time! She has everything from aliens to plushies and back again. If you're interested, you can check out her work at this link:

http://us.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Ulario-Aira-Zemothe/.New/index01-by-date.html

Check it out!

Now onto the other section of our Fun Furry Friday

Daddy Comes Home

My dad came home from Kandahar, Afghanistan yesterday and I went over to see him today. He was pretty tired but he was putting around the house like his usual self. Talking on the phone while shoving pizza in his mouth. Multi-tasking. He set up his cool pipe in the backyard that he had gotten from Israel a long time ago when I was small. It's sort of a ceremonial pipe and I can't remember the name of it right now. I'll insert it into the blog once I ask my dad what it was again. The only way I can describe it is sort of like the hookah that the Caterpillar smokes in Alice In Wonderland. Very awesome. The tobacco smelled like apples and it comes in millions of other flavors. If I was a smoker, I would have tried it myself but the smell of it was pleasant enough for me.

My father also brought back some pretty neat things from Afghanistan. A t-shirt and fancy perfume for me and some money for my brother. The t-shirt is really great and I appreciate the thought that must have gone into him getting it for me. It's the words "Someone who loves me very much went to Afghanistan and got me this shirt" set over a background of a camel and some palm trees. I really like it. The perfume is Sunset Heat by Escada. I've heard of the brand I think but I've never really seen this particular scent before. This Escada brand sells for HUGE money in Canada/USA but everything in Dubai (where he went to bought the perfume) sells for a fraction of the price. He also bought two expensive Rolex watches for only $10 each Canadian! Of course, they were fake Rolex watches but they look incredible non-the-less.

We had a pretty sweet evening. Ate some pizza and ice cream. Watched TV like we usually do. Usually nature shows and shows about traveling the world. It's great watching them with my dad because he's just so knowledgeable about the world around him. I really admire him and I am really happy each day that we're close now. I was really worried about him while he was in Hell, I mean... Afghanistan. I would watch shows about the war zones on TV and hope that he got out of there unhurt. And he did, thankfully. But there was a close call. A rocket landed not 50 meters from the place where my dad was bedded down for the night. I think that three people died, something like that. I feel really sorry for the families of those soldiers. That was someone's brother, sister, father, mother, wife.. husband. It's a really scary thought.

But this was supposed to be a Fun Furry Friday so in the end, I really did have a great time with my dad. Here's to many more years~

Love,
Dhani

Tiresome Tuesday: Hard-drive Crash = Embarassment.

2008-04-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

Today is a special Tiresome Tuesday because you get to have a closer look at something rather deviant about me. Today my hard-drive crashed and my dad is trying to recover as much as he can from it. Who knows if he can but I really hope he can manage to salvage at the very least my Writing folder. Also my real pictures folder would be nifty to salvage too. The rest can be regathered over time.

Tiresome Tuesday: Hard-drive Crash = Embarrassment

So, today I thought I would cover just what sort of things you can find on my external hard-drive (the one that crashed). I might as well get all the embarrassing and possibly sexually deviant things you may find on there.

First of all, in the writing folder you can find everything from early high-school poetry to hardcore roleplay sessions (and yes, I mean the sexual kind). In the pictures folder, there's mostly just cute anime pictures along with pictures of RP characters I've had over time. Though, there's a sub-folder called Hentai in there. At least 325 pictures of anime/furry porn art ranging from girls in bikinis to guys dressed as women to hardcore BDSM and everything in between. When my poor father recovers that section, I think he might go into cardiac arrest. I'll tell my step-mom to have the ambulance on standby just in case. Not that it matters, they live pretty close to the hospital anyway.

I may or may not have some pretty intense videos in my Real Videos section. I'm pretty sure I saved everything that Colby had ever sent me. Things from innocent love rambling to fapping. Even him singing Hey Jude to me once when I was sad. What an amazing boyfriend I've got.

Other than that, I think my hard-drive was pretty kosher. I hope I can get a new one. I won't have anywhere else to save my ungodly amount of pictures to. And my /b/ folder. What am I going to do without my /b/ folder? It's a catastrophe, that one. I'll have to ask Kain for help gathering up all the pictures I've lost. Kain, I'm enlisting your help as a fellow 4channer to help me bring my old /b/ folder up to its former glory and then some.

;-;

Love,
Dhani

Why Wednesday?: Holy shit, late much?

2008-03-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hello there

Sorry I've been so busy lately, my loyal readers. I hope you haven't abandoned my blog in favor of better things. I'm finally going to update with a spectacular Why Wednesday? Answering Kain's questions that he asked about a month ago. So without further ado...

Why Wednesday? : Holy Shit, late much?

1) Would you willingly take the rabbit hole, leaving everything behind just to see what was on the other side? I can't promise you that you would enjoy it like Alice did or anything.

You targeted my love of Alice in Wonderland, you tricky devil. This is a hard question because the answer changes depending on how I feel at the time. I know that I've answered this before and at the time I meant every word of my answer. I think now that taking that Rabbit Hole would be an escape to the reality of real life. The harshness of the situations I've been placed in in the past, present and probably the future as well. There are too many things that I would miss here in the real world. The laughter of friends, the good conversations with my mom, the pride I feel when my dad says he's proud of me for trying, Colby's warm touch. Things that can't be replaced in any way. So, I don't think I would go anymore because there are much more valuable things in reality.

2) What was the most profound, life-changing experience you have ever had and why was it that way?

Tough question to answer, yet again. There have been a lot of those types of experiences in my life and I seem to be the type of person who draws them in. I surround myself with unique people so I also experience what they feel, think or say profoundly. I think the most profound experiences would have to be during elementary school and early high school. The pain I experienced through teasing, having an alcoholic parent and dealing with the daily stresses of holding my mom together through that has helped me change into an open-minded, strong and kind-hearted person. Also, suffering through an abusive relationship has given me the ability to comfort others who are going through/have gone through similar situations.

3)If you could go one place in the world alone...without any friend to follow you and no one there waiting for you, where would you go?

Definitely Paris, France. I felt such a compelling magic while I was there and three days definitely wasn't enough time to explore every part of the City of Romance. I've never felt so automatically connected to a city before so I think it would be great to take a trip back, even if I was alone.

....

I hope that's a good enough response to your great questions! Send me more questions and I'll try to answer them. See you next time I update!

Love,
Dhani

Secret Sunday: Doppelgangers and Desires

2008-03-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

I'm starting to get my blog on a semi-regular schedule again, thankfully. I had a hard time finding two secrets that I liked off of the Postsecret website so I went to LJsecret, the livejournal secret community. It took me awhile but I found two really good ones among the terrible. So here it goes.

Doppelgangers and Desires

I chose this one because from a young age all I ever wanted to do was write. In fact, writing is such an ingrained part of my life that I try to write down every major thing in my life (and a lot of the minor things as well). I express my feelings, thoughts and desires through writing. Usually it's in freeform abstract poetry or in short stories. I had dreams of growing up to be a writer but that's unrealistic in this times. I'd need a couple jobs along with my income from writing to make that my career. I think someday I'd like to publish something but that's a pretty distant dream for me. I've published a couple short stories, a newspaper article and a poem but I'd like to finish writing my book. Inspiration has yet to hit me with the "next big idea".

This one really spoke to me. Everyone feels that they're strange sometimes. Some of us know that we're strange constantly, like me. It's a comfort to know that there's other people in the world that have these feelings. I think it would be frightening to meet someone who was just like me in every way. I like to think that I'm the only person who is just like me. Everyone needs to feel as if they are part of something bigger but at the same time protect their own unique ideals and decisions. While it nice to know that there may be someone who is having similar struggles in love, I would rather have a unique life rather than a "cookie-cutter" one.

That's it for today.

Love,
Dhani

Serious Sunday: Special Event

2008-03-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hello there

Finally getting around to updating this damn thing. I've sure you've all been waiting with bated breath for the exciting update. Today I'm changing Sexual Saturday to Serious Saturday just for this day only. I'm going to let you take a sneak peek into the hell that I've somehow been dragged into.

Serious Sunday: Parties You Should Never Have Gone To.

So, last night my friend Nessa was having a birthday party for our mutual friend named Brad. Everything was alright and we were all set to attend. We were going to play video games, watch movies and eat cake. Pretty standard fare for a birthday event. It was about late afternoon on Friday when I received a phone call from Brad stating that he was going over to Nessa and Blair's house early to eat supper with them. He was also bringing his out-of-town friend RJ along to the event. He asked me if I would mind picking up Nadine (a girl who I had just met on Thursday night). Of course, I said that I wouldn't mind at all and got him to call her and tell her to be ready by 7:30pm.

Before the set time arrives, Kain tells me that Brad didn't give him any money or even a thank you for driving him and RJ around earlier in the day. In fact, Brad was rather rude about the whole thing and really ordered Kain around. I discuss this with Kain and we both agree that this party is probably going to be filled with drama and suck. We decide to go for the lulz anyway. Kain also mentions that RJ has nowhere to stay. I tell him that he certainly can't stay at my house. We discuss that for a moment and realize that RJ, indeed, has no one to stay with.

7:20pm rolls around and I finish getting ready for the party. When I arrive at Nadine's house around 7:30pm, she isn't ready. In fact, she'd running around in her pyjamas and tells me that she has to wait for the dryer to finish so she can get pants. Of course, I'm a little annoyed but I don't say anything. We finally leave Nadine's house at about 5 minutes to 8pm. I drive her to the party and we get out. RJ, Blair, Nessa and Brad are already there and have obviously been drinking. I didn't realize that too much drinking was going to be involved at the party and didn't mind as I thought everyone there was responsible enough to be, well... responsible. Oh god, I wish I had been right.

I greet everyone and hug RJ, who I haven't seen in about a year or so. He lives in Odessa and before that had moved around everywhere. We mainly talk on MSN and Second Life. The whole evening starts off pretty well and after standing around talking outside, we move inside. Blair sets up pillows and blankets on the floor so we can all sit around but people mostly just wander around and mingle. Nadine and RJ seem to hit it off really well and openly flirt with each other. This perplexes the rest of us because RJ is supposedly homosexual.

I have one drink because I knew I have to drive around in 3 hours. One shot isn't going to kill me. No one else really drinks the whole night except for RJ and Nadine. Within the hour, Nadine decides that she wants to take off her pants and does so. She wanders around like that for some time. Half a 40 of Wisers is polished off by Nadine and RJ, making them both pretty drunk. Sometime during the next hour, Nadine takes off all her clothes except for her bra and panties. It's pretty awkward and she keeps rubbing up against people at the party.

Brad starts crying on me at some point and calling Nadine a whore behind her back. I agree that she is acting a little whoreish but that I can't really do anything about that. Nessa and I take off our pants as well but also wrap ourselves in blankets so you can't see anything anyway. There's a difference between taking off your pants for laughs and taking off your pants because you're being a drunken whorebag.

Well, Brad started puking up spaghetti and vomit at some point. RJ goes into the bathroom to help him out. Eventually, Brad comes out and we make sure he's alright. Nadine and RJ sit at the table and basically ignore the rest of that. I pointed out to Brad that it was rather rude and that they should be spending time with the rest of us at his party. I blame myself for instigating this part without realizing it.

Suddenly the drama comes to a near fever pitch and Brad takes Nadine into the other room with RJ. Apparently Brad started yelling at the two of them. The yelling moves out into the kitchen where everyone can hear it. I go over to split up the arguing but realize that they're too far into it and that not even the Rapture could stop them from shouting at one another. Though, the only one shouting is Brad. RJ keeps apologizing over and over again. Nadine is sitting there with a teary-eyed stunned look on her face. Kain and I just want to go home. Nessa is starting to get frustrated (understandably so) and Blair is just confused. The argument was going something like this:

Brad: I LOVE YOU AND IT HURTS SO MUCH
RJ: I'm sorry man, I can't help that you love me. I love you like a friend, I'm sorry.
Brad: YOU LEFT ME BROKEN AND SHATTERED BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.
RJ: I didn't have a choice Brad.
Brad: YOU DID HAVE A CHOICE! YOU COULD HAVE LEFT ME DEAD OR YOU COULD HAVE WORKED THIS SHIT OUT WITH ME
RJ: I'm sorry. I came here to love you like a friend, why can't you get past that? I've gotten past it. I'm really sorry Brad.
Brad: I CAN'T GET PAST IT! YOU HAD A CHANCE TO GET PAST IT! YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME CAME OUT OF NOWHERE! *goes into bathroom and slams door*
RJ: Oh.. fuck this.
Brad: FUCK YOU *comes out of bathroom and storms outside*
RJ: *tries to go after him but I stop him*
Chantal: Don't go after him RJ, you'll just make things worse. Seriously.
RJ: Alright. Fuck this. All of you are cool except for Brad. I came here as his friend and he's just going to be a drama whore.
Chantal: I know.

I'm sure it was a bit different than that, but that was pretty much the gist of it. Nessa and I go outside to comfort Brad. He's sobbing heavily and we start hugging him. I crack jokes until I get him laughing and he eventually gets up. He lets out this blood curdling scream. Nessa, Blair and I just kind of stare at him for a moment and Brad decides he wants to go back inside. We follow him. Brad goes to play Resident Evil for awhile. Nessa and Blair sit with him. I go talk to Nadine and RJ. Kain is nearby doing something (I forget XD). RJ and Nadine decide to go outside so I go with them. RJ basically feels like he's a total shithead for what had just happened and Nadine doesn't know what just happened at all. I explain the situation. I tell RJ that it's not his fault that Brad exploded and turned this into a drama fest. The two of us agree that we sort of knew something like this would happen all along. I sigh and tell Nadine that Brad is mad at her because she's basically hitting on everything that moves. She tells me it's the booze and I roll my eyes.

So, after that, the three of us all go back inside. There's a moment of awkward tension, in which I flit back and forth between the two social groups. I don't really like to take sides in that sort of thing. Suddenly, RJ and Brad meet each other face to face for the first time after the incident. Brad wraps his arms around RJ and they apologize to each other. I thought that was going to be it and that everything would go back to normal. BUT THEY START KISSING! They're all cuddly in the other room while the rest of us cuddle in the kitchen and are extremely confused. I tell Nessa that the lack of logic in the other room just made my head explode.

After this, I take Brad aside and call him an idiot. He says he did it because it "makes him happy". I tell him that it will hurt the next day and he just said "i know". I call him an idiot again and walk away from him. By this point, I'm so frustrated that I might stab someone in the uterus. For about an hour, everything is pretty normal... except for the Brad/RJ combo pretty much having sex on the living room floor. Kain and I decide that we both want to go home, since it's late and we both are getting tired of the high school drama. Blair and Nessa agree that they would like to spend some time alone. Kain and I go outside to catch some air.

Now, the leaving process took about an hour and a half. I agreed that I would take Brad and Nadine home but that I wouldn't take Nadine home by myself. She was creepy and kept trying to have sex with me whenever she saw me. I didn't really want to be alone in a car with her. At some point, we asked RJ where he was staying and he had just assumed he was staying at Blair's. Nessa was angry and Blair said no right away. RJ finally manipulated his way into staying at Blair's house. Saying shit like..."Oh, I'd rather stay on the street than with someone who hates me." Blair sighed and decided to put him up on the couch, even though his mom would freak out when she got home.

Neither of them felt very comfortable sleeping with a blind-drunk RJ sleeping on the futon in the living room. For some idiotic reason, it was agreed that Brad would spend the night as well with RJ out on the futon (who the fuck made that decision?) for safety purposes because apparently Brad can control RJ. Kain said he would take Nadine home after that and we tried to get her out of the house so we could. Of course, she was still running around drunk, in her underwear. She staggered over to Kain and said, "I'm really drunk. Hahaha." Kain just looked her right in the face with no expression and said, "Congratulations." Nadine pouted and asked if Kain was mad at her. Kain said yes. Nadine pouted on the couch for about a half hour while the rest of us cleaned up.

FINALLY, we got the plan down. Kain and I stood outside waiting for Nadine to come outside so he could drive her home. We hear the door open and close and two voices from around the corner. Kain creeps around and sees RJ/Nadine making out. He finally snaps at her whoreish behavior and starts the car. He tells me to get in and Nadine comes wandering out. We drive her home, with much ironic lulz from music and he takes me back to the house.

When we get to the house again to retrieve my car, we catch Brad and RJ making out on the driveway. They hastily push each other away when they see it's us. Obviously Brad didn't want me to call him an idiot again. I start my car and let it run for a bit to warm it up. Kain agrees that he'll follow me home because my car was making strange noises. RJ and Brad come over to say goodbye and RJ feels me up while he's hugging me. Very uncomfortable and just makes me more angry. Kain and I joke about driving our cars over the 9th Avenue Bridge. We privately laugh because the other two don't understand.

Then we drove home. Some crazy native chick on High Street tries to get into my car. Then she tries Kain's car. I drove home and Kain circled around to see if the crazy girl was still there. She was being arrested when he finally got back to her. Told me when he got home. I had lulz.

Then we explained everything to Colby. He facepalmed and I sighed heavily. I tell them that I thought I had graduated from high school drama but apparently I haven't. Kain and I are still angry and plan to talk to the others about it.

That's about it.

Now it's your turn, tell me about the worst party you ever went to. XD

Love,
Dhani

Hiatus till Friday

2008-03-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hello there

Posting in the ol' blog to explain that I'll be on hiatus until Friday. I'll post then if I have time. I've been keeping really busy and haven't really had to time to sit down and devote myself to a really good post.

Felt that you all deserved a heads-up anyway. I tried to sit down to type up a post on Tuesday but Blogger kept 404ing me when I tried to log on.

Peace, love and tailwags,
Dhani

Thelogy Thursday: It's the Church, not the Religion.

2008-03-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

Hello

Sorry for the long break but I wanted to take some time to relax and just be normal while my mom was away for a couple days. It doesn't happen so I really have to take advantage of the times where I'm free from that.

Today, I thought I would continue on the same line of thought that I was having when I had a debate with a friend of mine the other day. Those of you who are Christian and reading this, please don't take it personally. It's just some observations I've made about the religion.

It's The Church, Not The Religion

Last night my friend and I were having a debate about Christianity and how it portrays itself in the everyday world. I, personally, am not Christian because I think the teachings are very hypocritical and that they also contradict themselves. However, I don't think this is the fault of the religion itself but of the Church as a whole. The community of people rather than the ideals taught within the Bible. People are flawed and filled with judgment which, unfortunately, has rubbing off in the way they portray their religious ideals to other people.

People have found passages in the Bible and taken them in a literal sense. Things such as "you shalt not suffer a witch to live" have been taken literally in the past and this has led to the murder of thousands of innocent people (many of them actually were Christian women and not "witches" at all). The Old Testament was written for the people of that time. Rules like not eating certain meet and women being "unclean" while they were on their period were written to keep the health of the people of that era. Back then, people didn't have the right technology to protect themselves from the diseases found within meats and things of that nature. Sodomy and casual sex was, basically, a death sentence if you got pregnant or got a disease from it.

A lot of people within the Christian church take the OT (Old Testament) to heart even though it doesn't apply to live as we know it today. The teachings in the NT (New Testament) apply to us in some ways today but not fully. Many of the individual Christians I know personally are shocked and appalled by the way their fellow believers treat non-Christians. I have often been on the recieving end of some crazed Bible Thumpers rage. I respect the Christians who believe in the one important part of the NT and of Jesus' teaching and that is to love each other above all things. The one thing I got from the NT when I was a Christian a long time ago was just "LOVE".

The Church community is so quick to judge people based on some silly book that some people wrote a long time ago. The reason I could never be a Christian (other than the fact I don't believe in their God) is because they're so judgmental. Everyone has something wrong with them in their eyes. If I don't attend church in my "sunday best" and confess all my crimes to some guy in a booth, I'm going to hell. If I think women and men are equally beautiful and acknowledge that I am capable of loving people regardless of gender, I'm going to hell. If I'm not a woman or a man but stuck somewhere inbetween that, I'm going to hell. And finally, if I think that the beliefs, ideas and freedom of people who are not Christian are fascinating... I'm going to hell.

I don't understand how some people can continue to worship within a community that's filled with so much hatred. You preach tolerance, love and acceptance but then turn around and tell me that I'm going to be eternally damned because I'm in love with a transgendered person. You tell the world that your religion is one where you can feel safe and secure but then turn around and tell everyone that they are going to be treated as a sub-human simply because they were born with a vagina. I respect the Christians who don't subscribe to this hypocritical Church doctrine. For those who can stand up and say "I don't agree with what you're doing but I love you regardless of that. Because love is the one rule that matters." Those are the people who I want to be around, because they know the right stuff.

In the end, wasn't the Golden Rule the most important one?

Here's to love!

Yours,
Dhani

Furry Fun Friday: Excuses and Arphalia

2008-02-29T10:12:00.000-08:00

Hello there

I have a few excuses for the missed day yesterday and a decision. I missed Theology Thursday yesterday simply because I didn't really feel like writing about anything serious. I had a good day yesterday and I simply wasn't in the spiritual mood. I'm sure that you guys will all understand. I've also decided that Theology Thursday/Tiresome Tuesday will be updated on a "when I feel like it" basis simply because of the content of each day. I'll still try to update them on a weekly basis like all the other days but it'll be hit or miss.

Anyway, on with the Furry Fun Friday content.

This work belongs to a very talented furry artist that goes by the name of Arphalia. Her work tends to be darker but is accented with light-hearted pieces. The amount of detail she puts into each drawing is exquisite and hard to duplicate. She's very well-known in the furry fandom but doesn't do very many commissions due to the length of time she spends on each piece of art. Arphalia also does incredible pin-ups that are classy, colorful and hold the spirit of the 50's. I think everyone should have a look at her work and I'll post the link at the end of this little blurb here.

http://us.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Arphalia/

That's all I have to say about the furry part for today. Check out her work and let me know what you think via comments/email.

So, I have to talk about something fun now, hm? Well, I've had a pretty busy week so far. I've had two job interviews; one at the Bentley and the other at the Deja Vu Cafe. I haven't heard back from them yet so that's pretty disappointing. But oh well, I'll just keep looking. I'm also going to look into taking an online course to become a vetrinary assistant. I want to have a career that has something to do with animals so I think that would be perfect for me. I also think it would pay pretty well and I'd be able to work anywhere since there's a vet clinic in every city, usually more than one.

I'm going to sell my Xbox 360 because I never play it now. I'm thinking I can get at least $400 out of that, especially if I add in all the controllers and the games I have. I'm going to sell the extra power block and AV cords separately so I can get another $100 out of those. I'll talk to my dad about putting them up on Ebay for me later since that's the only place I can think of for selling those cords. The Xbox 360 will be listed on DiscoverMooseJaw in the upcoming days. As soon as I can find the extra controllers and finish peeling Disney stickers off of the Xbox itself.

Exciting news, though! I cleaned my fish tank up completely and it's ready to go with all new fish. I still don't have a filter but I'm going to get fish that don't really require one. I have a neat cleaning device, however, that'll help me keep the gravel clean and the water pristine. It's a sort of tube with a large end that sucks up dirt from the gravel and travels down the tube into a bucket I'll have on the floor. Pretty neat, huh? Tonight I'm going out with Kain and Brad to look at fish at Wal-mart. I'll probably pick up two little goldfish and maybe a couple of those red and blue Neons, depending on the price. I was tempted to buy Feeder Goldfish because they're cute AND only 18cents.

That's about as thrilling as my life gets, really. So, I'll bid all of you adieu.

Love,
Dhanners

Why? Wednesday: Secrets and Relationships.

2008-02-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hey

Well, it's midnight now and it's officially Thursday but I'm going to do my Wednesday post now. I had been hired to babysit from 8:30 to 10:30pm but as per usual, the woman was an hour and a half late. I really hate when people do that. I go over there to watch their children as a favor and so I'd appreciate it if they came home at the time they said they would. 10 to 30 minutes late is acceptable to me, but and hour and a half? No thanks.

Anyway, I don't have enough energy to answer all of the questions I wanted to answer so I'm going to answer the two I got from Cindy. Here they are:

1) why do certain peeps hide their true feelings, keep them locked in their heart? What are they afraid of?

This question is really great but it can be answered so many ways because people have a lot of different reasons for doing this. We live in a society today which is very judgemental. We have come a long way from even the 50's but there's still a lot of behaviors and feelings that are considered taboo. For a lot of people it's a way of protecting themselves from being harmed by these judgements. Maybe something happened to them in the past which has made them close up completely. For example, I hide my real self here in my home because I remember the way that my mother reacted to me being Wiccan. I don't want to deal with that sort of reaction again so I simply keep the parts of me that are taboo, to myself. I let my real self out in other outlets of life. With my friends, trusted family, art, writing or in video games.

If you want someone to show you their true feelings, give it time and let them know they can trust you. If they decide not to devulge how they really feel, perhaps they're not ready to do so.

2) oh another one! Some peeps have a difficult time letting go of their ex's.. they bring them up in conversations, over and over again! Why don't they realize it's time to move on and truly, honestly, enjoy who they are with without bringing up the ex all the time?

This one is a little easier to answer than the one before. When you love someone very deeply and then they decide to leave you, it's as if someone dies. Logically you know that they didn't die but your heart is so torn up over the loss that you enter a period of deep mourning. For some people this mourning only lasts a couple of weeks to a month but for others the pain is so intense that it can last for years. You may have noticed that when someone dies, people often bring them up in conversations over and over again. I think it's their way of trying to talk about it without seeming sad. A lot of people never get the chance to sit down and sort of their feelings with someone they trust because they don't want to seem bothersome or maybe people just don't care enough to listen.

In other situations, they bring up the ex over and over again because it was an important time in their lives. I talk about my ex-boyfriend quite often because I shared two years with him and he was my first love, so to speak. Also, the relationship was very traumatic and I never got the chance to sob and talk to anyone about it. Even though I'm definitely over him, we had fond times together so I often bring him up in casual conversation. Or I talk about our relationship when I give out relationship advice or to point out things in a relationship that shouldn't happen.

If the person is with a new boy/girl, then it can be really uncomfortable for the person they're dating. Try sitting down and talking to them about it. Tell them that you're always willing to listen to what they have to say or what is bothering them but the constant mentioning of the ex is making you feel uncomfortable. If the problem continues, perhaps they weren't ready to move on and are still hung up on the ex. This is when I would suggest you taking a step back and letting the other person heal before persuing a relationship with them.

I hope I did a good job of answering your questions, Cindy <3

That's all for this week's installment of Why? Wednesday. Please send in your questions via email or just leave them in a comment any day of the week! Thank you.

Exhausted and annoyed,
Dhani

Media Monday: Rick Rolling.

2008-02-26T00:05:00.000-08:00

Hi again!

Even though it's technically Tuesday right now where I live, I'm pulling a late Media Monday so that I can say that I've remembered every day so far (except for when I was busy on Friday). Today I'm going to cover Rick Rolling, which I will explain now.

Rick Rolling is basically an internet prank where you tell someone to "check out this really cool video/link/picture I found" and then send them to the Rick Astley video "Never Gonna Give You Up". I've had it done to be several times this weekend and I've Rick Rolled my boyfriend about 5 times already. Those of you who have been Rick Rolled before know how hilarious it can be and good clean fun too. I encourage you to Rick Roll all of your friends just to see the expressions on their faces! Soon you'll be responding to Rick Rolls with this sort of response, "Ah, Rick Rolled again? Colby, you bastard!" And then laugh it off.

I have my boyfriend so paranoid that he hesitates before clicking every link I send him now. We have a running count of who's been Rick Rolled more. So far I'm winning since I've only fallen for the Rick Roll about 4 times and he's fallen for it 9 times. Rick Roll all your friends! It's good fun!

Here's the Rick Roll video:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Cindy, you'll recognize the song and now you'll know why I think it's so hilarious.

That's all for a very short Media Monday. Get ready for Tiresome Tuesday tomorrow, I've got a lot to unload.

Love,
Dhani

Serious Secret Sunday: Pubic Spiders and Abuse

2008-02-24T13:18:00.001-08:00

Bonjour!

I thought I would try out my french. Pretty sweet, hm? Today is the first Serious Secret Sunday. I thought I would review two secrets because I just have so much time on my hands today. Seriously, I'm so bored that I'm tempted to roll around in the snow naked, just to entertain myself. Both of the secrets below apply to me in some way, which I will explain when we get there. One of them is really serious and the other one is funny because I wanted to end on a serious note. So, without further ado... the secrets!

This secret really spoke to me because I drifted in and out of different types of abusive relationships since I was a preteen. My father drank a lot and it deeply affected me. It wasn't a sort of physical or verbal abuse but more of an emotional one. It doesn't bother me as much today because I've been able to look back and realize that people make mistakes. I can see that my dad was really unwell and I think that he was lost without a road map. I know that he loves me and that he did then. I can forgive him because I know these things. He's better now and he's doing great. Every day I talk to him and spend time with him, I'm filled with pride. He really stepped up to the plate and gave it his all to get over his drinking habit.

My first boyfriend was really abusive. Verbal, physical and sexual abuse. I don't want to go into it but it took me a long time to convince myself that he was the one who was in the wrong. The more I think about it, the more foolish I think I was. I fell so deeply in love with him that I would blame myself for the way he treated me. My friends would try to call me out on these excuses I made for him but in my heart I still believed he could do no wrong to me. There was always some way for me to rationalize the way he acted towards me. There are still many people who don't believe me when I explain what he did to me. I loved him for years after he left me and part of me always will. I think I'll always be trying to talk myself out of loving him. He was the first person I loved seriously and had even planned to spend the rest of my life with him. In hindsight, I think it was a very good learning experience that I went through. I learned to stand up for myself and I definitely learned now much I'm worth. And I'm worth a hell of a lot more than he thought.

To the girl who wrote that secret: Things will get better. In time you'll look back and realize that what happened is not your fault and that you were the victim. You'll realize that you are worth far more than you think and that you are allowed to say "no".

I thought I went end on a humorous note, so I picked this one out of the bunch. It also creeped the hell out of me. Spiders are one of my greatest fears so the thought of that situation happening to me, will probably give me nightmares for weeks. I'll wake up in a cold sweat and paw at my vagoo to make sure there's no eight-legged critters dead in there. It would be worse if it had been alive though, I think. Crawling around in there checking things out. I'm not sure what else I can say about this one here.

But think about it... when you're about to go to sleep. Make sure you double-check your pubes.

Love,
Dhani

Missing a day and Sexual Saturday

2008-02-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

Hello again,

As you may have noticed, I already missed a day of the week. Here I was planning to get organized and down to business but then I failed. I have a good excuse though, so listen up! Yesterday was my fiancee's birthday and I was also busy with several other things. I had to make a very important phone call to Idaho and then I went out with my friends (one of which was having a hard time with some school issues). So, that's my genius excuse. I promise I'll make Furry Fun Friday extra exciting next week. I've already been looking into an artist to review and picking out what I think is her best work (or at least my personal favourite).

Let's get down to business. It's Saturday so that means it's time to talk about, you guessed it, sex. This is my disclaimer now:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING TEXT WILL CONTAIN INFORMATION AND OTHER THINGS OF A SEXUAL NATURE! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED AND/OR GROSSED OUT BY SUCH THINGS, PLEASE CLOSE THIS BLOG NOW AND COME BACK TOMORROW. (Also, if you're my dad... you might be creeped out. Just a warning :3)

Alright, now that we have that settled, let's move right along.

Sex/Romance, Love/Lust

I thought I would talk about what sex means to me as a start, so I suppose it won't be that explicit this week. To me, sex and romance walk hand in hand. Along with love and lust. To me, you can't have one without the other, which is why I treat sex as such a huge deal. I'm not the type of girl who can just go to a bar and pick out some guy there to take home with me. I have to love someone deeply before I'd be willing to give myself over to them physically. It takes me a lot of time and thought to get into a sexual relationship with someone. This might seem weird for a girl my age, but I've only had two sexual partners (three, if you count a sexual relationship with another girl).

There's more than just the fact I have to be in love with someone before taking that leap, as well. There's so many diseases and things floating around now that I wouldn't want to end up making a mistake. Especially a mistake that could turn out to be fatal. It only takes having one unprotected sex partner to give you AIDS. And that shit isn't curable. Instant gratification isn't worth death, in my mind. If you need sexual release that badly, buy a vibrator or one of those fleshlight contraptions for men. Use your imagination and your hands. I'm pretty sure that your hands can't give you AIDS, unless you rubbed them in something contaminated first, and that would be just nasty.

Also, there's more than just STDs to worry about, though that's the big thing for me. You can also get pregnant. As a 20 year old girl living with her mother, I really can't afford for that to happen. I know that sex is the "next big thing" for teenagers now but I'd really like to go into classrooms and give each of them a screaming baby to take care of for the day. I think it would change their minds real fast. I really think that parents and schools should be more involved with their child's sexual education. You can show them videos, you can tell them about diseases and hand out condoms, but I think you need to show them the reality of what could happen. Have a girl who got pregnant at 14 to come into the class and tell them the hell that they went through just for one night of gratification. Have some poor person with AIDS to come in and tell them that they aren't invincible, that they can still get sick.

The thing that stopped me from losing my virginity for so long was when a friend of mine that I knew online got herpes and then another one of my online friends got pregnant. They were 15 and 16 respectively. I was one of the last of my friends to lose theres and I know that there's pressures on kids. I waited until I was 17 and I had been dating the guy long-term. In fact, we waited 8 months before I eventually gave it up to him, and we talked about it extensively beforehand. I don't think your virginity is something be given away while you're drunk at a party. And most of the people I've talked to that lost it that way, regret it dreadfully. Most of them wish they had waited until they were older and with someone who really loved them. I don't regret losing mine to the person I lost it to. We loved each other then.

This is sort of turning into a rant, so I'll try to get it back on track. I also believe that you can't be in a romantic relationship without some sexual aspects being involved. I'm a very physical person so it's a pretty big aspect of my current relationship. Even though we can't be together physically, we still do roleplay, hang around on Second Life and maintain our D/S relationship over the internet. It works for us because it's satisfying enough. However, people have different needs and may need something more than that. I love Colby, so I'm simply happy with what I have for now.

Anyway, I better stop before I get long-winded and babbling. I hope you enjoyed the first Sexual Saturday and I apologize for yesterday once again. Next week I'll get a bit more explicit. In fact, I think I might go through the Encyclopedia of Kink and talk about each one. It'll take some time but I think it'll be a lot of fun.

Love always,
Dhani

Blog Revamp and the beginnings of Theology Thursday

2008-02-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

Hello there loyal readers,

I decided to organize and revamp my blog so that it makes more sense to me and also so I never lag a topic to spring off of. I find myself grasping for topics and I'm always afraid that I'm going to talk about something that will upset someone. This way, everyone has a chance to skip the topic that they think will bother them most. Also, it makes my blog more organized and thus, easier to update on a daily basis. And this time I'll try to actually update every day. I've already got my boyfriend on stand-by to remind me, should I forget. Though, we both have terrible memories. The days of the week will go as follows:

Media Monday: I will talk about a musical artist, a song, TV show, commercial or internet thing.

Tiresome Tuesday: This will be my day for whining about life, ranting about the world, etc.

Why? Wednesday: I'll answer questions from readers, or find a hard-hitting life question.

Theology Thursday: Spiritual, religion and things of that nature.

Furry Fun Friday: I'll post a new furry artist and then speak about fun things.

Sexual Saturday: Sexuality, fetish and things like that. Seriously, I'm like an encyclopedia.

Serious Secret Sunday: I'll chose a secret from http://postsecret.blogspot.com to review. You may also learn something you never knew about me on this day.

How does that sound? I think it's a great way to split up the week. Feel free to send me questions for next Wednesday. Anything you'd like. If you want, try to stump me with a particularily difficult question. I love learning new things. Anyway, I suppose today would be the first Theology Thursday, so let's begin:

A Definition of Religion

I decided I would start on an easy note since this is the first Theology Thursday (*You here an unenthused 'Yay' in the background*). I think I'll tell you my definition of religion. To me, religion represents organization while spirituality represents a lack thereof. People who belong to a "religion" also belong to a church or community where many people gather together to worship or spend time with people of like-mind. People who belong to a "spirituality" or see themselves as spiritual, tend to practice along or only gather in small groups of eclectic people. However, this doesn't hold true for many people. A lot of pagans, who label themselves as "spiritualists", also may belong to a tradition or "coven" (a gathering of pagans, usually 13). And also, a lot of people who are part of a "religion" don't go to church or community gatherings.

But that's just how I see it. A religion is an organized group, church or society where people worship the same things, practice the same rituals, etc. For example, Christianity is a religion. And to me, Wicca is a "spirituality".

I thought I would ramble on more about this but I think I got my point across already. Sometimes I get right to the point and other times I pointlessly babble. Sort of like I am now. Anyway, expect more exciting Theology Thursdays in the future. Next week I think I'll talk about my own spiritual beliefs and how I came to believe them.

Get ready for an exciting Furry Fun Friday tomorrow.

As always,
Dhani

On growing up and letting go.

2008-02-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

Hello again. I seem to be making entries more frequently as of late. Maybe I've gotten more confident now that I've opened up a bit more and people close to me have learned more about me. Or maybe I'm just thinking of a lot of things lately. Who knows. I have been assured that everyone is allowed to complain sometimes, so I feel a little better about my last post. I felt terribly guilty when I was reading over it but now it's alright. You should be allowed to rant every now and again. In fact, I recommend it because it can really lighten the load on your shoulders.

My post today will be on growing up and letting go, especially in the area of relationships. I have been thinking about my own relationship for awhile lately and I'm starting to see it in a whole new light. It makes me think about how much time, energy and money I've invested into this whole engagement process and what I'm getting out of it. I promised I'd be open and candid about my thoughts so I will do so now.

I've grown a lot in the past few years. Since Chris and I broke up, I've become a whole new person. I think that I'm stronger and able to cope better with things that would have broken me before. At the same time, I feel as though I've lost focus and become apathetic about a lot of things I shouldn't have. When Chris and I were together, I had a life goal. I wanted to go to school for a quick course until I could make enough money for the two of us to move out together. I changed my whole life plan for him and it backfired in my face. In my relationships now, I tend to dig my feet in and push against whoever I'm with because of it. I don't want to change who I am or where I'm going because of someone else. Sometimes relationships need you to change with them. They need to you to become someone else to make them work. I'm really tired of being the one who has to be different to make things move along. I want to be with someone who helps me become a better person as I am, rather than molding me into something I don't want to be.

But what happens if you're with someone who's not as grown up as you are? A person who hasn't had as many life experiences and refuses to try new things. At times, I feel trapped by my current relationship. I'm the one who's adventurous, outgoing and who always craves new things; but I'm with someone who's closed-off, shy, and who just wants things to stay as they are. No change. No life. Just stagnation and nothing else. I want to be with someone who is excited about the same things as I am and interesting. My boyfriend isn't very interesting. He promises that he's going to go out and try to meet new people, try to see new things and get more experiences. Instead he just stays up home and sleeps until 8pm. When we talk, I lead the conversation because he never has anything to say. I feel like I'm talking to a voice recording programmed to give me positive responses. I'd like to be with someone who when I ask, "what did you do today?", they can give me a real answer. Even if their day involved getting stuck in traffic or going to the supermarket, it would be more exciting then, "I slept and then I got up and talked to you."

I don't want to be the reason for anyone's existence. And I don't want to be responsible for anyone's mental health or their life. I just want to be a perk in someone's life, not the end all and be all of it. It's nice to know that I'm important but I don't want to be the only important thing. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the only way I know how to explain it. Maybe I grew up too fast for him to catch up. Maybe my pace in life is just too hard for him to keep up with. I don't know what the reason is or what to do about this situation. Is love enough to pull a relationship out of a rut? I don't want to waste my time with a guy who isn't going to meet me halfway. I don't want to do 3/4 of the work. A relationship takes two people but sometimes it feels as though I'm the only one moving towards the future.

I have all these plans in my head. When I get a job I'm going to move out as soon as I can. Then I'm going to start working towards getting a car. After that I was planning on saving up enough money to get him permanent residency and move him here to Canada with me. But if I'm not getting any help with these plans, and if I'm only getting rewarded with empty promises and false stories, I don't want to waste my time. I deserve more than what I'm receiving from this person who apparently wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I know that I've invested a lot of time, money and emotion into this engagement but I don't know if it's worth it. The unhappiness currently outweighs the happiness. I end up spending a lot of time alone, waiting for that other person to be there.

I just don't want to wait in vain.

Perhaps it's time to think about letting go, even though I love him so much that I feel as though that action will break me. I just want to be treated as though I'm priceless.

Love,
Dhani

Finances and Fighting Scientology.

2008-01-27T21:34:00.000-08:00

Hello there again loyal readers,

It's been a long time in between posts again and it seems like it remain that way for some time. It always takes me a couple days or even a week to decide which topic to focus on. There's so many ideas in my head that it often overwhelms me and leaves me sitting at the computer desk staring blankly at the Blogger Dashboard. Some of you who write probably know that feeling all too well. This post will address two things that are currently going on in my life; One important and the other not as much.

It seems that all my life I have been bombarded with concerns about money. I, personally, have never been one to believe that money was the end all and be all of everyones existence. To me there are much more important things to worry about than the almighty dollar. Things like learning to love yourself, being with your friends and family and nurturing your creative energies. That's why being forced into a course in college that I hated almost drove me to kill myself. My freedom and happiness is more important than money. Unfortunately, we need that money to survive. The reason I haven't approached either of my parents for help with school is because I don't think they'd be willing to help anymore. I think I know what I want to do but once again finances are stepping into my way.

To be honest, I've never been very good at school. Classrooms and essays were never my thing. I would rather write freely and without boundaries than be locked into a desk and learn grammar rules. If money and education wasn't an issue, I would love to teach children and even other adults how to write. Not essays and question sheets; but stories, poetry and novels. I want to inspire the world with my words. I haven't written in my blog in so long because I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about expressing my complaints about my life because it's not fair of me to do so. The truth is, I don't think I've been trying hard enough. The reason for not trying is because the things I want out of life are different from the things that everyone else wants. My dreams have nothing to do with making tons of money and buying lavish things. My dreams have nothing to do with starting a family or a business.

To be frank, the only thing I want to do with my life is live in an apartment with the love of my life, a dog and that's it. I don't care if I'm rich or famous. I want to bring joy to other people and all the creatures I meet here. Life is so short and it seems that everyone in my life is so obsessed with money. I stop and point out a beautiful sunset to my mother and she just makes a vague comment and then grills me to get a job. The first question my father asks me when I go to his house is, 'do you have a job yet?'. I would like to get a job but the jobs that I want to do won't make me the money I need to please everyone else. And sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who is holding this financial burden up.

My mother isn't very well off at all. We can barely afford to pay or bills and the mortgage. My brother doesn't help very much because he's so busy with work and taking care of his wife. I don't blame him at all. When my mom complains about money, it's always to me. She tells me that my brother should help out more and that I need a job. I've been trying and I have given every cent of the money I have earned to my mom. It just feels like I'm a huge burden and it stifles me. It's very depressing. At home, I bear the brunt of my mom's worries and I'm the one she comes to when she needs someone to lean on. I like to help any way I can but I sometimes stay up all night worrying about the bills. About money.

I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my spirit to live because of all this financial stress. I told my mom that I would talk to my dad about moving back into his house if it would lessen the financial troubles. She told me that she would do anything to help me stay where I wanted to be. But I don't know where I want to be anymore. I can't help but feel as though I'd have a job and a life if I was living with my dad still. I also feel as though it would just cause more stress to keep moving back and forth. Maybe I don't belong either place and I should look into something else. A friend of mine told me I should consider going to Social Services and see if they'll give me a place of my own. They'd help with the rent and help me get back on my feet and on my own.

I just wish that the world wasn't so concerned with money. I know you need it to live but it shouldn't consume your entire being. It shouldn't be the only thing you think about day in and day out. And it shouldn't make you feel helpless and lost. It shouldn't drive your children away and make them hate you. To me, money is almost as bad as alcohol. It can consume your whole life and take everyone you love away from you. I have to live with the affects of both on a daily basis but as the pain from alcohol abuse fades; it's replaced by this financial abuse. Where I can't go a day without hearing my mother complain about how much my dad is making and how I'm a useless person because I don't have a job. It's slowly driving me into a place of silence and darkness. It's starting to make me resent the fact I was even born at all.

When I was at my dad's, he didn't stifle me in order to motivate me. He helped me and praised me for what I -was- doing rather than tear me down for everything I hadn't done yet. I really would like to get a job, go back to school and make something of myself. I really would like to be independent and strong. It just seems as though I lack the means do to so. I want to be remembered for the life I brought to everyone around me, rather than by my financial portfolio and lack of RRSPs or whatever. It just doesn't seem like there's a place where I can be that I will be judged for my soul and heart rather than by the giant dollar sign above my head.

~*~

On a less serious note, a group of people on the Internet calling themselves "Anonymous" has become a worldwide protest against the religious group Scientology. I am among those who have joined Anon and intend to protest the cult of Scientology in any way I can. You may have seen coverage on the local news about Anonymous' activities against the brainwashing cult and it's desperate attempts to bring light to the real actions of Scientology.

Scientology demands ludicrous sums of cash for the "secrets of their faith". They take money and give false information to those who are led astray by their teachings. Each "step" in their faith does nothing more than demand more money and supplies more empty promises. They brainwash their members and limits their right to free speech so they may not teach others the ways of Scientology. They preach tolerance of all faiths but their own "faith" contrasts and tears down all other religious groups. They reject all medical knowledge on psychology and reject common sense.

For more information on the Anonymous vs. Scientology battle, please visit these websites:

http://partyvan.info/index.php/Project_Chanology
http://youtube.com/watch?v=JCbKv9yiLiQ
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YrkchXCzY70

If you currently subscribe to the Scientology cult, please research Lisa McPhearson and learn about the dark side of the "religion" you are involved with. Listen. Learn. Arm yourself with knowledge. Be aware of the very real dangers of this cult. The information is out there, it is yours for the taking. The choice is yours.

Join us in protest on February 10th. Do all you can for the cause.

Thank you,
Dhani

On being judgemental and being hasty.

2008-01-16T18:35:00.001-08:00

When I sat down to write this entry, I was angry at first and then very, very sad. I've spent all this time of hiatus wondering what to write about but then it came to me. I would write about judgement and being hasty with such things. This topic came about when a friend of mine read one of my blog entries and was very displeased with it. He voiced this opinion but didn't exactly give me reasons why. I can already guess what they would be, but I didn't exactly ask.

I find that judgement is a tricky subject. There are so many different people in the world and that's what makes it such an amazing place. I chalk it up to the various way we were all raised and the enviroments that we were exposed to. As a child, I grew up in a home that was devoid of judgement. As children, we were always loved and cherished no matter how different we may be from over children or societies views on how we should be. For example, my brother was always very quiet and preferred to stick close to home. He had his last birthday party when he was six and stopped going out for Halloween shortly after that. My parents didn't press him to be like other boys were and certainly didn't put him down for his choices.

My brother and I were always exposed to all the different races, sexualities and religions. We were taught that everyone was equal even if they had a darker skin color, liked the same sex or believed in something we didn't. We were told that people were people, despite what they did or how they behaved. At a young age I learned that all people bleed the same way, all people can have their feelings hurt the same way and we can all love, hate, and be sorrowful. I never understood the concept behind hate crimes and bullying in school. I never saw anyone as being better or worse than I was. As I grew up, those feelings only intensified. I love people because they are different. I love people because I know that they could be capable of loving me and why should I deny both of us the chance to friendship?

However, I also grew up in a household that was devoid of religion. Not completely devoid but it seemed that it was only kept for special occasions or when a religious relative came over. I wasn't hit over the head with the Bible at any point in time and I do think that's why I'm so open-minded towards things. My parents taught me that the only thing God wanted out of us was love. That was all. Though I don't believe in the Christian concept of an Almighty Spirit sitting in the clouds and watching over us, I do admire people who believe in such things. I especially admire those special people who believe that even though I might be a bisexual, genderfluid, sexually deviant, therianthrope pagan, that I can still be loved and that I'm still worth their time and consideration.

What I don't understand is why parents teach their children hatred. I just can't quite fathom why you would want your child to grow up in this world thinking that homosexual, transgendered or people with different religions are evil. Why would you want them to believe that these people are just in this world to hurt others? Love is love; regardless of who it's between or where it's coming from. It seems like human beings are so hasty with their narrow-minded judgements. We never take the time to open up to one another and learn. Instead we follow a set of ideals and place everyone into our small little box of how we think they should be. And even if we do take the time to get to know someone, as soon as we find out that some aspect of them doesn't fit into our box, we toss them out. We toss them out even if they still behave in the same way. Even if they are still wonderful, beautiful people.

A long time ago I decided to toss the box out, instead of the people. Why should I follow what some person filled with hatred says? Why should I listen to something made out of ground up trees and ink? I don't care how old you are or who you are, I will love you regardless. We should stop being so hasty with our judgements and learn to see people for who they really are, not just by the labels they put on themselves. As my extremely wise father once said, "Normal is a setting on the dryer and labels are for soupcans." I'm so lucky that I grew up in a house where love is love.

And for the one person who I know is reading this with silent disapproval, just know that I still love YOU even if you don't love me anymore.

Love,
Dhaniel

Hero Worship: The Beatles

2008-01-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

Time for another extremely delayed blog post. I'm sure all of you are sitting there waiting with bated breath. I can only hope so because that means that you actually care about what I'm saying. I'm "internets popular".

What prompted me to make this post was a full-page spread on the Beatles in one of the local papers. The Leader Post, section B page 3 for those of you who have that particular paper. The article, about several artists and commercials taking the boys songs, gave me a mixture of feelings. Sadness, elation and anger. Those of you who know me well know that my life almost completely revolves around those Four Fab Liverpudlians With Mop-top Haircuts.

I was glad to hear that the Beatles songs were getting new life in covers like the ones in the movie Across the Universe. I think it's great that the music is reaching a new generation and inspiring old fans to dig out their records and give them a spin. I've never had a thing against covers and enjoy hearing the music done by new or older artists. I'm sure all of them are aware that they'll never do it as well as the Fab Four but at least they're trying and breathing in new life to the music. However, the article mentioned that hiphop artists like the Wu-Tang Clan and Ja Rule are taking the music (not the lyrics) from songs like While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Eleanor Rigby and simply rapping over it. This filled me with great anger at first and then sadness and disappointment. If the music companies are selling out and giving classic, GENIUS work to artists who are going to rap about how much money they're making and "smacking their bitches up", it makes me so depressed.

The article said this:

"On rap collective Wu-Tang Clan's new single "The Heart Gently Weeps", a Santana-style rock guitar opening gives way to an almost celestial chorus of something very familiar. There and throughout the track, is the unmistakable melody of George Harrison's timeless contribution to the Beatles' White Album from 1968: "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Now, the track is accompanied by Wu-Tang's trademark, uncompromising language, rapping out a gritty street story, even as Harrison's son Dhani plays along."

The brings up a terrible rage in me like you can't imagine. One of George's most genius and classic songs being rapped over by some dolt who doesn't even know how to pull up his own pants and has more gold in his mouth than a rich woman has in her bank safe. George's song is about looking at the world around you and seeing the wrong. About pulling out the love inside of you and making a change. Not about how your $50,000 car and your platinum record.

A lot of fans say that I'm overreacting and that such things aren't a big deal. My connection with the Beatles is more than just being a fangirl. Some may call it Hero Worship but usually that entails ignoring the bad parts about a person and just seeing the good. I know that the Beatles did drugs, had wild sex, partied and drank until they threw up. They were badass. But I love them for being the people they were and are. Maybe it's weird for me to say this but I picture the four boys are being my mates, my buddies, my friends. I still cry sometimes over John and George. I stayed up all night worrying about Paul when I found out he had to go in for heart surgery.

In the end, to me and a lot of fans, the music is sacred. We don't want some punkass rapper ruining the song and distorting the message. Their music was about peace, love and light. We should be inspired and stirred into action by the lyrics, music and heart that those Liverpool boys posessed. It isn't something that you can "lay your phat beats over." Make up your own guitar riffs and grow some originality. Don't take another man's genius and wreck it for the fans who have been there forever. That's just my 50 cents.

Beatles Forever!

-Dhani

Hesitation

2007-12-26T15:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in my blog for a long time because I found out that people were actually reading it. People that don't know everything about me. I feared being judged on who I really am. I'm so used to sugar-coating my feelings and my soul so that people aren't harmed by the things I say. Two of my parents read this. My dad and my step-mom. She's not officially my step-mom but she's more of a mother than I'm used to really. Their response to my first blog entry was so overwhelming that I was at a loss for words. They sent me blankets, a little heater and flannel sheets as soon as they read that I was freezing in my bedroom. Such an amazing gesture.

It was then that I decided that we should allow the people who love you into your life. Even if the things you do, feel or see might be something that they don't entirely agree with or don't approve of. There are some individuals in my life that I know would judge me on what I type here, no matter how long I've known them but there are others that I know will love me regardless of these new things they'll learn about me. It's time for me to realize that there are people who really want to help me through the struggles in life, rather than shoulder every issue I have and try to tackle them all by myself. Friends and family are there to help you distribute that weight. Well, some of them do anyway. Some add more weight, rather than take it away.

So, without further ado... my post. This will be a long one.

I decided to talk about androgyne, gender-fluid, bi-gender or whatever else you want to call it. Some of us even refer to ourselves are being "gender-fucked" but part of me disagrees with that. Just because I feel differently, doesn't mean that I'm "fucked up". Normal is a setting on the dryer afterall. First, I'll start off with a couple links that you can browse over that will be more scientific/psychology based explainations, rather than emotional like my own.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyne#Androgyne
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer
http://www.squidoo.com/androgyne

First of all, I don't want anyone to treat me any differently than they already do. I'm still the same person I always was, I just now have a label for how I feel inside. For those of you who are just learning this about me, please don't mention it unless you wish to discuss it in an open and curious way. I'm still the same person I was yesterday, honestly.

You may be confused. A lot of people confuse gender, birth sex and sexual orientation. So I'll just give you a rundown definition of how I see each thing. Gender is a list of social ideals of how someone should and shouldn't behave based on this birth sex. These traits are usually along the lines of "if you're a boy, you should be tough" and "all girls are submissive". It's true that most people fit into those traits naturally, based on the sex they were born into. However, there are some of us that don't fit into either gender traits or may see themselves as being stuck in the middle. For others still, they may feel they are one gender or the other from day to day or even hour to hour.

Birth sex is simply the sex you were born as. For instance, I was born female. I had no choice in this matter and no one really does. However, people do undergo sex reassignment surgery and take hormones to change into the other sex. Personally, the thought of that terrifies me and I'm pretty content with the way I am.

Finally, sexual orientation is who you're sexually attracted to. Heterosexual is being attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Homosexual is being attracted to someone of the same sex as you and bisexual is being attracted to either. I place myself in the category of pansexual. A pansexual person sees past gender and birth sex. I'm attracted to someone's intelligence and personality, rather than what their genitals look like. I guess I could be fit into the category of bisexual, if I had to be slapped with a label. I'm capable of falling in love with anyone regardless of what their wiggly bits look like.

Also, I feel I should mention this as well. Androgynes are different from transgendered in the way that androgynes feel they are either or neither of the genders. Transgendered people are usually just longing to become the opposite of their birth sex. Though, some androgynes do undergo sex change surgeries.

Now that that's out of the way and we're all on the same page, I'll go through my feelings and experience on the topic. I identify myself as a pansexual androgyne. I explained pansexual above and my feelings on that topic, so let's concentrate on why I am androgyne and how I discovered this aspect of myself. Since it needs some historical backing, I'll go into that first:

Ever since I was a small child, I have always felt far different from the average girl. There were times when I was a child that I loathed playing with barbies and doing girly things. I always felt I was more of a tomboy than a little girl should be. However, the feelings switched almost from day to day and I would find myself yearning to do little girl type things. Maybe it was because I grew up around an older brother who took a major role in my raising. It's hard to explain but some days I felt as though I should have been born male. I used to wish on the stars that I would wake up the next day as a boy. However, I adjusted naturally and for a long time I managed to push those feelings aside. I started forcing myself to avoid "boy" activities and play only with girl toys.

When I hit puberty, I began to realize that I was attracted to girls as well. Boys also held appeal for me. The feelings of gender confusion roared back up in me and I started to act differently from other girls my age. While my friends were getting into makeup and the latest clothing, I would rather play video games and watch horror movies. Most people chalk this up as my just being "different" and being into different things but there was something more than that. It was so complex. Some days I would behave like a male would and others I would be completely female. This confusion left me in a terrible depression that was intensified by problems going on in my home life.

I started to have a little bit of sexual exploration with a girl my age. The feelings of confusion disappeared whenever I was being protective of this first "girlfriend". I started to understand that it felt nice and natural to behave in the male gender concepts that society had laid down. I felt comfortable when I was allowed to just feel, rather than be held down by everything people had told me I should be. When I entered highschool, I surrounded myself with people who accepted me even though I wasn't entirely female in my mannerisms. Most of my friends were also lead alternate lives. Homosexual, bisexual and transgendered people became my best friends and I don't think I could have ever chosen better friends to have in that period of darkness in my life.

It wasn't until later in my highschool years that I could put a name on what I was. My first boyfriend and I used to play rough. When we broke up, I realized that I craved the feeling of submission that I felt while we were together. I searched on the internet until I found what I was looking for. I discovered the world of BDSM and for once I felt normal. All of the confusion was lifted and I finally found a community where I belonged. I'll discuss more about my BDSM lifestyle in other posts in the future. It's a huge, intregal part of my life. I can finally express my inner soul in a place where I feel safe, loved and welcome.

I started to thoroughly research the transgendered community, thinking that was what I was. I was confused again because I didn't want to become a boy, I just happened to feel like a boy often. I also didn't want to change my birth sex. I was mentally a mixture of male/female mannerisms. Through research, I discovered the wikipedia article on androgyne. I had finally found out what I was! There were others out there that were like me! I joined several online communities and learned that there were other people in the world that felt as though they were male some days and female the next.

So, that was the historical part of this topic. I still feel as though I am androgyne and have become comfortable with who I am. It seems as though the ratio between my male and female feelings/attitudes are 60:40. I go by the unisex name of Dhani online and often have a male avatar when I play online video games. However, in the real world I keep this part of my life in the closet out of fear of judgement. I was always terrified that my parents would hate me and my friends disown me for being who I was. I told my friends and they accept it entirely. I simply behave the way I always have and nothing has changed.

I don't want anyone to think differently of me. I would still like to go by my real name of Chantal in the real world and I'm quite happy to release my male persona out into the internet.

I just hope that those of you who are just learning this for the first time, will still love me the same way you did before reading this.

Yours as always,
Dhani.

Stepping into the light?

2007-12-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

I've never had a blog before.

Well, I have a livejournal that I rant about personal things on.

I want this blog to be something a little more sophisticated, if that makes sense.

I wanted to talk about the things in my life that were most important to me. Namely spirituality, therianthropy/furryism, sexuality and BDSM. I will, of course, be also talking about random topics as they come to my mind. I don't think I'm going to become a famous interwebs person or anything like that. A couple friends of mine are always asking me to talk about myself, so here we go.

I thought we'd start with a light topic for today. Something airy and delicious, much like popcorn.

That topic is...

Snow.

Yep, that was the first thing that popped into my head, so here we go.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of snow. It's sort of like sand in the way that it gets on everything and in everything. Except sand doesn't give you frost bite and you don't have to brush it off your car in the morning in order to go to work. However, if sand fell from the sky, I imagine it would be pretty painful. It would absolutely rip umbrellas to shreds, and can you imagine the carnage it would wreck on people's clothing? So, I guess snow is good in that sense. It's light, fluffy and if you catch it on your tongue it can be refreshing.

I guess I don't like snow because it comes when it's cold out. And my bedroom is whatever temperature it is outside. It's really not even a room that I sleep in. It's an enclosed front porch, honestly. It has really poor insulation and so it's as good as it is outside on the inside of my room. So I sleep with four blankets and fully clothed. Snow also makes me angry because when I go to the rest of the house, I have to trek through the front hall, which is incidentally, where the front door is. People don't kick off the snow on their shoes before they come in the house so it's all over the front hall. Usually melted into freezing cold puddles of icy death. I can't count the amount of times I've stepped into a pile of snow and soaked my socks. I'll probably lose a toe by the end of the winter (which can't seem to come fast enough).

Also, while snow looks very pretty when it's out in a field somewhere, untouched by the footprints of humans or animals, it's a huge nuisance in the city. It really peeves me when my friends and I can't go out because it's snowing so hard that none of us can see our hands in front of our faces. It makes you have to drive 30km/h in a 50km zone. It's terrible. And kids seem to think it's hilarious to throw snow at you as you're walking past them. Yeah, real hilarious, you little bastard spawn of Satan. I just LOVE being soaked on my way to work, makes my day. All in all, snow is a pretty horrible invention of nature.

For those of you who live in countries that don't get much snow, or snow at all for that matter, be careful what you wish for! Or just come to Saskatchewan for one of our long, cold, snowy winters. That'll take the longing for snow right out of you.

Though, I'll say here, though I'll never admit it out loud; I love snow.

The way it glitters on the trees, the way it falls like a blanket on the front lawn. I love making snowmen, snow angels and having snowball fights with the ones I love. I adore sledding, skiing and the hot chocolate that usually comes after those activities. But most of all, I love snow because I've seen it through the eyes of someone who loves it, and that makes it the most beautiful part of nature there is.

But it still sucks <3

-Dhani

Test

2007-12-15T13:21:00.000-08:00

This is a post test.

Now I can tweak my blog things.

It's a very complicated process.

-Dhani